Kris Allen Sucks My Balls

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And not my nicely shaved ready for action balls, but my unkept 4 month unshaved gorilla balls.

UGH!

I AM LIVID PEOPLE…not that I didn’t call it. Why would I ever think that America would get it right. I’m gonna keep it real.

I watch tons of these result shows, Idol, DWTS, ANTM, Top Chef, Project Runway…you name them I watch them. But I have never, EVER in my entire life been as disapointed and upset as I was tonight. Even though right before Ryan read the name I knew it would say Kris, I was not prepared for what I would feel after. I was shaking, and then I actually went a little crazy and thought “Maybe it’ll change during the PST airing. Yeah it HAS to be wrong”. No joke. I’ve since regained sanity, which is how I write to you now.


OK…let’s recap.

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After last night shiteous show, IDOL came back, and came back STRONG for the finale. All the contestants were back and btw, the blonde with the tattoos should have her vocal chords removed. How did SHE make it to the finals. Bad America, bad! That was your first mistake. The funny thing about the finale show, is that it’s actually NOT about the finalists. I have seen a few IDOL finale’s, but this one takes the cake. They had everyone perform, Fergie with the Black Eyed Peas, Cyndi Lauper, Lionel Ritchie, Rod Stewart. But the guests that took the cake, were the two that performed with Lambert, and it was then the I knew he wouldn’t win.

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Adam performed with the legendary KISS! KISS MOTHERFUCKERS! KISS PERFORMED ON IDOL! I’m NOT making this up! I totally LOL’d at first, but my GOD they killed it. Lambert even rocked a pair of platforms (which funny enough, were the platforms I believe he wore in a picture as a tranny no?), and even sang BETTER than the band.

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The second performer I gagged over, was QUEEN! How fitting, we have the re-incarnated vocal chords of Freddie Mercury in the competition, why not have him front the band for one night. True it was a duet with Kris Allen (who TOTALLY didn’t fit in during that performance. His vocal was all over the place, he knew he wasn’t good), but it was all about Adam and Queen. IMHO, he should be their new frontman. I don’t think anyone would get offended by that, and it was after this thought that a lightning bolt struck my head.

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Is it REALLY a bad thing that Adam Lambert didn’t win? After my initial anger, I think the answer is actually…no! I personally think there’s always a conspiracy theory with everything so here’s what I think ACTUALLY happened. The producers of American Idol took Lambert aside and said this “Listen, you actually won, but if you win you’re going to be tied to the Idol contract forever. If we let Kris win, he can actually sing that shitty song, and be the Idol for a year before he vanishes to nothing. But you, you can go on and have the career you actually want to have!” They obviously left Kris out of this, they needed the element of surprise from him, but Lambert agreed to it.

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I call it the “Nina Flowers Effect”. Think about it, same thing happened to her on Drag Race. She’s now free to do what she wants, and is booked solid constantly. Whereas Bebe is tied to that Absolut tour, which isn’t as great right? Same deal. Stupid Kris Allen can have his Idol title, and release the crappy Idol album, and come out of the closet in a year whatever. Adam will go on to probably have the biggest career of ANY Idol contestant (besides Jennifer Hudson…who could’ve predicted THAT) because he has the pop appeal, but also the glam rock appeal, and my mother likes him but so do I. Kris had the stupid girl vote, Lambert has the people with actual money and taste vote. Am I right? That’s TOTALLY what the bigger picture is about.

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So, even though the IDOL finale was an absolutely incredibly produced show, the outcome sucked major balls. But let’s think of the good! Kris Allen will be gone in less than 2 years, and Adam Lambert losing will be the biggest upset of the year, that he will get SO much press, and will release probably the best possible album he could ever do and in the end, he will be the winner. Sure he isn’t the “American Idol”, but he is the People’s Idol.

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OH! And how funny was the Kara and Bikini Girl duet. They totally made that chick look stupid. And Kara totally spanked her in the singing department.

Second OH! How good did Kara sound? And she even looked BETTER than she sounded! Work it out girl! FOCUS!

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One thing that I am totally sure of, is that my relationship with American Idol is over. I won’t care to watch the show probably ever again. Quote me on that.

  • Everyone got it wrong. TATIANA DEL TORO should’ve won. That bitch cracks me up.

  • Michael

    I have never watched an episode of American Idol before but did tonight because some friends kept going on about it. Well I must say I was completely impressed with Adam Lambert. His session with Kiss brought the house down. His outfit along with those platforms helped him blend right in with the band. Minus the white make up.
    The throw in Queen for good measure and that boy showed he was the better of the 2. To my friends that told me I would be impressed….your all right….for once. 🙂

  • Craigers

    There’s always time to get a life. 😉

  • I know right…I need a boyfriend

  • Tradnam

    Is anyone honestly surprised? Let’s look at the demographic of who votes in. Middle-America. Middle-America, for the most part, can’t deal with boys with eye-liner. It’s a sad statement that’s true. As powerful as Adam is with his voice, he only seemed to have one style. Kris, on the other hand, was versatile enough to be able to pull some things off. I didn’t catch the finale, but watched last night’s 3 rounds and I wasn’t really impressed by either of them. Both were out of tune, didn’t listen to the band for their key and lost some energy by the 2nd song.

  • I’ll be the first to admit that I think Adam should have won- but I definitely don’t agree that Kris is lacking in redeeming qualities as an artist as well. The two, in my opinion, are both incredibly talented- but in VERY different ways. Both are clearly going to go on and have successful careers if they play their cards right. What’s more is that Tommy does have a point in that there is a silver lining with Adam not winning in that he’ll have more freedom to do what he wants rather than what he’s contractually obligated to do.

    The finale was awesome tonight- I was so impressed with almost all of the performances and the bikini girl/Kara number was HILARIOUS.

  • Whoa whoa whoa…ADAM not being able to pull things off?
    We were watching the same season?
    Hello, Ring of Fired, Mad World, like…EVERYTHING Adam did was nothing short of extraordinary. Saying that Adam wasn’t versatile…(heehee, what can I say I’m immature) is a silly comment and one that is completely ridiculous.

  • Thank you for coming to Homorazzi though, and please continue to enjoy my opinions 😉

  • Omar

    Exactly, that blonde bitch with the tattoos (Megan Joy or however you spell her name….who cares?) should have NEVER been in the top 13. Her annoying presence stole that spot from the true talent (laugh all you want) Tatiana Nicole Del Toro. She was the best thing about this otherwise *YAWN* season of idol. As Ms. Abdul said, she WILL be an actress….;)..haha.

  • Terry

    Adam Lambert fans don’t need to fret; not being the winner may actually work in his favor. For starters, he doesn’t have to release that melody-less song “No Boundaries” as his first single. Whatever success he would have had as the winner will come to him now, and he may even get more attention because of the perceived upset.

  • I will NEVER get over how bad “No Boundaries” is… I love it 🙂

  • the American Idol finale this year had to be one of the best finales of any show I have ever seen; I hope Adam becomes Queens’s new lead singer

  • Craigers

    Tommy Tommy Tommy.
    You don’t need to have a boyfriend to have a life. lol

  • bella

    kris allen sucks. adam was okay.
    tatiana was a crack up…she should go into acting.
    i think the girl with the red hair had more real natural talent than all of them put together. i guess she was just a bit too young….i think she is 16. kris allen doesn’t really have a voice. he usually sings off key. he will fade away very quickly.