LITERALLY, the best title I could come up with at 3am… on a Friday… after an 1181/fountain filled evening. To be fair- let’s pretend I have it in me- the movie was good. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t completely bad either. Was it “Best Picture” worthy? Oh Hellllll to the no. The funniest thing about that award this year (aside from the mormon-esque family of 10 nominees idiocy), is the ex vs. ex battle going on between James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow over the Best Pic title. How the HELL did these movies make it to the top? I realize La-La land is essentially a circle jerk of nepotism with “benjamins” as condoms and tears of the “little people” as lube when it comes to awards and the like, but come on “academy”, get it together. “Hurt Locker” literally had me HOPING the protagonist (ugh, if you could call him that) would die already so the movie would end faster, and “Avatar” was just plain pandering.

My favourite revelation of the night was how to appeal to the cheetos-lovin’ mid-western fams with a blockbuster: be pro troops or be pro religion… these two movies did just that. While “Hurt Locker” decided to go SO viciously “hate the war, love the soldier” that I nearly puked (seriously Bigelow, you think the throngs of 17 year-old soldiers in the Middle East are THAT patient with shooting “suspect locals waving a cell phone, 100 feet from a bomb”? Bitch, Please!), “Avatar” on the other hand went all “God” on our ass. Our alien-lovin’ director opted to paint the war-hungry Americans (cause, let’s face it, those soldiers had zero accent and were 95% white) as frenetic monsters who can’t get enough “savage blood”… well, that is of course for the one female foreigner: “You’re not the only one with a gun, bitch!” (best line of the movie ps.) So, in lieu of bein’ pro-Bush, the flick went all God and religious on our ass: Oh, America… you’re everything most off with the world, but I love your boys, and about 9 of your cities hehe.

All that aside, there were definitely some big issues I had with this movie. And, I decided to you Homorazzi to rant about it ;) Really, why can’t directors just send me a copy of their movie before they hit the print button? Here are my top 5 problems with this “Best Picture” (hopeful).

Read the rest of this entry »