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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Ann began her inevitable crash and burn as the the wannabes took on a commercial for some water no one’s ever heard of. They roller skated in cute little summer outfits and tried to deliver some lines. Several of the girls experienced a serious case of Tragicitis. Ann was heinous and ended up in the bottom two for the first time. Esther was awkward and flat. Liz didn’t seem to five a shit. Kayla was too afraid of her male model to do anything. The only two who really delivered were Jane and Chris. Esther and her giant boobs got the boot. Can Ann bounce back after two disappointing weeks? Will Kayla overcome her fear of men? Will Tyrant try some ridiculous Italian accent? Who will get eliminated tonight?

Before we get to ANTM, let me talk to you about VFW. That’s Vancouver Fashion Week. I just got home from a couple runway shows… Jacqueline Conoir and some men’s wear line that is not worth mentioning. It had the feel of trying to be something it’s not, but it was cute. A couple of the girls were fierce and a few of them even slipped. Loved it.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Ann was finally dethroned as Queen Wannabe. After five consecutive first photos, she lost because she was less of a man than Liz. Seriously. How did Liz become the first girl to knock Queen Ann of Tyrantsylvania off the top? Isn’t she the same girl that Mr. Jay has been bitching about all cycle long? How did that happen? Oh right… she got to fugly it up as John Galiano. Gurl, you win ‘cause you’re a man. How’s that for a compliment! Can Ann bounce back? Will this year’s twist be tucks for all the dumbo ears flying around? I’m looking at you Esther! Who will be eliminated tonight?

OMG. Did anyone watch Modern Family tonight? I died. Mitchell in the SpiderMan suit! Epic. Oh… and while we’re off topic… is anyone watching Nikita? I’m loving it. I kinda wish Nikita still had that hot super spy guy tied to her bed. He was hot. Nice undies too. Now back to our regularly scheduled CW crap fest that we can’t live without.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Ann continued to carve out her place in Reality TV history. She was called first for an astounding fifth time in a row. The other girls must be beside themselves. I’m not so sure Ann deserved the last two wins, but it certainly makes for good ANTM. It was refreshing to see Jane step it up. She looked GORGEOUS in her shots. Tyrant ended up putting Kacey, this cycle’s biatch, and Kayla, this cycle’s lesbian, in the bottom two. Our girl Kayla survived which meant Kacey was out. We won’t be seeing her trying to bed the hot male models anymore. What a shame. Can Ann lose? Will Tyrant find some lame excuse to tell her she has stopped growing in the competition? Will anyone step up to the plate? Who will get eliminated tonight?

Ok… I know. “Tonight” wasn’t the right word. I’m a full week behind in the recapping! I was swamped last week with my real job and my fake job and my fish had diarrhoea and Alcide was crashing on my couch with Cooter. FML. Sorry about that. I feel like a wannabe in the ATNM confessional booth. The good news? Two recaps this week! Yay for you.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Ann made ANTM history by getting top photo for a fourth straight time. The Girl With The Littlest Waist has stolen Tyrant’s heart almost as much as Lisbeth Salander has taken over Sweden. I didn’t think she actually deserved the win, but you know Tyrant! All about storylines, not so much about credibility. Kayla should’ve won that round. Maybe Tyrant just doesn’t like lesbians. Just kidding! No hate mail. Gawd. Relax. Can Ann do it again? Will one of the other girls rise to her level? Will Tyrant say something stupid? Duh. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We begin this week with the wannabes driving back to the house. Someone comments that Ann is the last of the “quirkies”. Hmmm… interesting. I hadn’t thought of the eliminations that way. I guess slutty doesn’t count as quirky. I’m looking at you Kacey! Then Ann gets a little teary in a confessional. Awww. Cute. She’s really proud of her achievement and feels like she’s actually pretty and not just the gangly one in the back of the class. I know how you feel girl. I know how you feel. It wasn’t until my own model breakthrough that I truly accepted my hotness. It was tough. I got through it though.

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ANTM Cycle 15 Episode 5: “Wooooo Jesus!”

In: Rich, TV Shows

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Ann won best photo for the third time in a row after a STUNNING beauty shot. Rhianna got the boot and I’ve forgotten her already. The girls also managed to step up the drama after having a BORING party with some hot guys. They all turned on Kacey and she got all ghetto on their asses. Liz continued her whining ways and got on Jay’s last nerve. Can these two bounce back into the good graces? Can Ann continue her unprecedented streak? Who will be eliminated tonight? Wanna be on top?

We start off tonight with Ann celebrating her win. Kacey starts hating on her and tries to defend herself to a group of “bitches”. She calls a group meeting. Oh God. This never goes well. Remember when Robyn called a house meeting in Cycle 1. Elyse almost rolled her eyes out of her sockets! Oooooooh Jesus! They all write questions down on a piece of paper and answer them. Some juicy little tidibits spill out. Ummm… Liz? Really? Pregnant and in a homeless shelter? What kind of trash are you? Jane comes from a wealthy family and feels ostracized because she’s loaded.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant gave the wannabes makeovers and I praised the almighty that she stopped calling them “Tyovers”. Terra got her recently made over self booted halfway through the episode and Sara followed soon behind in a double elimination smackdown. Ann, the ugly pretty awkward girl with no waist, odd eyebrows, freakish height, and ZERO fashion sense won best photo for the second time. We have ourselves a frontrunner! Can the other girls catch up? Will Tyrant say something asinine? Does anyone else miss Miss Jay’s panel commentary? Who will be eliminated tonight?

We start of this week in the apartment with a series of confessionals with the girls talking about each other behind their backs. Surprise surprise… blah, blah blah. Then Kacey decides they should throw a little party and invite the male models from the most recent shoot. Ooooh. Interesting. Is someone gonna pull a Shandi? She’s got a boyfriend back home too. Uh oh. When the boys came, it was “mad awkward” as Liz put it. Kayla said it was worse than a middle school dance. I guess that’s what happens when there’s no booze allowed. The tumbleweeds roll in. Snoozefest.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant kicked off the competition with a lesson in self-esteem and body image. Obviously. Where would American girls be without Tyrant Banks! After a fairly lackluster photoshoot, apparent front-runner Anamaria got the boot. She was WAY too skinny… even for the cycle of high fashion. She was a bit of a cow, so I ain’t hating on Tyrant for that one. Crazy looking Ann emerged as the awkward one to beat. Can she get top photo two weeks in a row? Who will breakdown during the makeovers? Thirteen wannabes remain… who will be eliminated tonight?

We start off this week with Drew Barrymore talking about CoverGirl’s legendary bold lash blast bolder shade duo smoky shadowblast lashblast. Oops sorry. That was a commercial. That shit is crazy. I’d be really curious to see the market research on the CoverGirl campaigns. They throw so much tongue-twisting jargon and gimmicky slogans around in one commercial that it’s hard to follow. Any marketing folks want to chime in on this one? Lash blast away smoky shadow blast!

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Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant introduced us to a whole new crop of wannabes. And you know what? Not a plus-sized girl among them. No fatties. No midgets. Just a busload of tall skinny girls with high fashion potential. Thank god. Can Tyrant really find the next couture sensation? Can she find that awkwardly beautiful diamond in the rough? Probably not. The only thing we know is that a bunch of waifs will scream, cry, yell at each other, and lust for Nigel Barker. Just like me! Who will be the first to go? Who will be America’s Next Top Model?

The title of this week’s episode is simply “Diane Von Furstenberg”. Saweet. Can’t wait to see her on the judging panel. Loved her on Project Runway. But first we have to get reacquainted with the 14 finalists as they move into their new pad in Venice Beach. Ugh. Back in California. This show is WAY better when it’s in NYC. Oh well. I’m actually kinda jealous of their new place. It’s gorge… AND they have a runway. I want a runway in my condo. Sigh. When I get married, there is going to be a runway. Walk off!

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