WARNING. This is gonna be one of the rantyiest Top Model rants of all time. You know that feeling you get when you see a pregnant teenager smoking a cigarette and downing a bottle of wine? That’s how I feel about Tyrant and this episode right now. She so needs to retire. Or is it RETYRA? OMG. I just made up a new word and I’m gonna shove it down your throats. Just like Tyrant. Barf. You have been warned.

Previously on America’s Next Top Petite Never Gonna Be A Model, a bunch of midgets screamed, moved into the Oompa Loompa house, got mediocre makeovers and received stereotypical reality TV whore labels. The Bitch. The Weirdo. The girl who got cut first and no one’s ever gonna remember your name. Lisa? Whatever. Only 13 little people remain. Who will be America’s Next Top blah blah blah?

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Here we go boys and girls. Cycle 13 is here! Mini models have invaded and Tyrant is gonna change the world with a little help from Jesus Christ… or at least a girl named Amber who is full of Christ’s love. Where do they find these people? Read all about it in Homorazzi’s first recap of this epically petite Cycle.

If you’ve read some of my rants building up to this glorious day, you know I’ve given Tyra Banks a rough ride for her decision to cast only girls under 5’7”. She must’ve heard me because she spent the first five minutes of the show giving us a passionate voiceover defending the move. In her own words, Tyrant is out to “change the standards of the modeling industry”. Give it up gurl. The fashion industry left you behind years ago. Snap.

Too mean? Never. Not when she pulls lame ass shit like naming it Le Cycle 13. They’re PETITE… get it? Ugh. If that wasn’t enough, we spent the next five minutes listening to Tyrant do the introductions in a heinous French accent that was more crazy-voodoo True Blood witch lady than Paris runway model.

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Ashley, Bianca, Brittany, Courtney, Erin, Jennifer, Kara, Laura, Lisa, Lulu, Nicole, Rachel, Rae and Sundai!

Learn those names, study these faces. Get ready for the invasion of the Mini Models on September 9! Tyrant has revealed the 14 (OMG 14!) wannabes competing to become America’s Next Top Never Gonna Model Model. One of the girls is only 5’3”! I’ve got a feeling Cycle 13 is not so much a modeling contest as it is an audition for various CW teen dramas. Oh well. I cannot wait to start ranting at Tyrant. I’m gonna go out on a limb and call Courtney (OMG she’s a Cheer Instructor), Jennifer and Rae as my faves.

Check out the pics!

ASHLEY
Age: 22
Hometown: Chicago, Illinois (currently Brooklyn, New York)
Occupation: Artist
Height: 5′6″

BIANCA
Age: 21
Hometown: Columbia, South Carolina (currently Washington, D.C.)
Occupation: Student
Height: 5′7″

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