Previously on America’s Next Top It Doesn’t Matter Which Munchkin Wins Because Neither Will Ever Have A Career, the wannabes continued their adventure in Hawaii and Tyrant continued her cheap ass budgeting by eliminating two girls to save some production costs. Jennifer and Erin both got the boot after some hard core hula hip hop nonsense. That left Nicole (the one who can’t take a bad photo) and Laura (the one who wears couture by her Gramma) to duke it out in the finale. Who will win? Who will be America’s Next Top Model?

I have to wonder… does Laura even have a shot? Sure country bumpkin is cute, but Nicole has outclassed her at every turn. Nicole’s Achilles heal could be the CoverGirl challenge. Will it be a photo shoot or a commercial? If it’s a commercial, her awkwardness could result in a Laura upset. And we really haven’t seen enough of them on the runway to know who has a better walk. This could get interesting.

We start off the finale with Laura and Nicole, both in disbelief, talking about being the final two. They’re an interesting pair. Awkward vs Friendly. Edgy vs Commercial. Urban vs Country. Nicole sounds like she’s high and Laura sounds like she’s got a mouth full of marbles. Can either of these girls deliver television campaign? I don’t know.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Midget, the girls continued their budget whirlwind through the not-so-fashionista Hawaiian countryside. Tyrant made the girls jump off some cliffs and dive for their photo shoot. Sundai finally got the boot about 9 episodes too late while Jennifer, Nicole and Laura continued to impress. Can Erin and her heinous eyebrows hold on? What’s in store for our final four? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Please note… I had a little too much wine and gin with dinner. Great combo. I hope this makes cents. I mean sense. The credits just started… here’s what my boyfriend had to say about the gloriousness of Top Model… “I hate Tyra. She’s so ridiculous. She’s so… she’s just beyond herself. A caricature. She’s a dumb cunt.” Wow.

We start off this week with Erin discussing how she’s been in the bottom two three weeks in a row. Usually that’s enough to get you sent home, but some how someone else has always sucked harder.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Catalogue Superstar, the wannabes made it all the way to Hawaii… the not-so-centre centre of the world’s fashion industry. Lame! Tyrant totally cheaped out on this one. Is she just running out of ideas or does she just not care? Either way, she pissed me off by cutting Brittany instead of Sundon’t… I mean Sundai. Only five wannabe shortels remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We start off this week with a bunch of confessionals from the girls about how exciting/scary/unexpected it is to be in the final five. Even Nicole says she’s shocked. What? Didn’t you see all the fugly no-talent girls that started this Cycle? Sundai then complains about Erin… wondering why she’s still here, but I’m busy wondering why Sundai is still here. I have so much reality TV hate for her.

Back at the Hawaiian abode, Nicole and Jennifer lament the loss of Brittany. Finally! Some sanity! They’re shocked that she went home because she had been so consistent. Amen sisters. Amen.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Midget, the girls learned how NOT to give an interview and bungled their way through their first CoverGirl commercial. Tyrant sent Rae home because she didn’t suck as bad as Erin or Sundai and they’re Tyrant’s faves so they can’t go home anyways. Make sense? No? That’s because Tyrant is ridiculous. Only six wannabe short little oompa loompas remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We start off this week with Erin bemoaning her performance in the commercial. She really was terrible and she probably should’ve gone home for it. In fact, she should go home simply because her bleached eyebrows are starting to look like a slug that’s been covered in salt. Brittany’s now telling us that she’s confident and well-rounded because she’s older and more mature than the rest of the girls. Bitch, you are 21. You don’t know who you are. That’s just some vague concept Europe uses to entice us North Americans to stay in filthy hostels and check out a bunch of churches.

The girls get back to the house to find danger tape all over the place and dudes in hazmat suits cleaning up. Tyrant is there to tell the girls that the house has been condemned because it is “the most disgusting top model house” she has ever seen. Eww. It is pretty heinous. Ants?! Oooo Jesus! Tyra tells the girls they can no longer live in the house. And guess what? They’re going on a trip! SCREAM!

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Previously on America’s Next Top Shart… I mean Model, the wannabes all went on go-sees and got down with their ninja selves for a ninja photo shoot. The last of the totally useless girls (Kara) went home. Scratch that… Sundai is still here. Sigh. Anyways, 7 easy breezy super short girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

So last week, I started off the rant with the little known fact that Tyrant appears in 34 different shots in the opening credits. Barf. This week, I’m gonna let you in on another little known fact. I am in love with Noah Puckerman. I know this is supposed to be the ANTM blog and Donovan does the Glee blog… but damn I am so hot for him right now. Not Donovan. Puck! Grrr. Move over Nigel Barker. Wednesdays just crowned its new king.

On with the show! This week starts with Rae getting some mail from home and pics of her little baby. Awww. The sweetness didn’t last long as the whole Nicole-hating began pretty quickly. This time it was Erin bitching about the fierce awkward ginger. Before long, Tyra Mail arrives and we learn that Lauren is dyslexic.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Mini Model, the show was invaded by Jabbawockeez, Lil Mama and some bendy Cirque folk. The wannabes danced some terrible dances while the dancer who was really shitty at dancing was actually sent home. Ashley, thank God, finally left us. Only 8 little petite mini midget models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Before we get on with today’s rant, I’d like to let you in on a little known factoid. I just watched the opening credits in super slomo… there are 34 different shots of Tyra Banks! Tyrant putting on lipstick, Tyrant talking into a headset, Tyrant walking, Tyrant dancing, Tyrant looking into a mirror, Tyrant looking into another mirror, Tyrant still looking into a mirror, Tyrant sucking in her cheeks, Tyrant flipping her hair. I totally forgot that this show was about finding America’s next top model. For the longest time, I thought this was just a bloated vanity project for a former Victoria’s Secret lingerie model. I’m Sue Sylvester and that’s how I C it.

Play time is over folks. On with the show! And what a start! They’re in the limo as usual and bitching about each other as usual. Then they’re in the house and bitching some more. Nicole’s depressed and the girls make fun of Laura’s country bumpkin voice. Then a gaggle get together to bitch about Nicole behind her back. Is that all girls do? Bitch? Seriously?

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Previously on America’s Next Top Tyrant’s Ego Is Bigger Than The Models, the midgets ran through a Walmart like a bunch of gays on YouTube looking for the latest Single Ladies spoof. Bianca finally got axed after weeks of pretty much being the worst one there and Tyrant actually took some time out of her busy day and Gossip Girl cameos to photograph the girls in their first beauty shot. Only 9 midgets remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We began this week with Ashley whining about being in the bottom two. I ain’t whining though. I’m hoping she’s next. Nicole’s worried that she talks like a stoner. And Kara’s actually talking. Have we heard her talk before? She needs to go too.

The midgets got their first Tyra Mail in the limo… something about smizing with no eyes. Ugh. Enough of the smizing! But wait! It’s Benny Ninja! He’s gonna teach the girls how to pose! Wait. Scratch that. I wrote too soon. He’s gonna teach the girls about dancing! WTF. I love Benny Ninja. He’s like Vogue Evolution on crack.

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Previously on America’s Next Top Shordel (that’s “short model” to those NOT in the know), Tyrant put the girls up against real models for a runway show. Thankfully, her creative genius allowed all of us to see just how big of a farce this season has always been. Lulu and Ashley bitched about Bianca bitching. Nicole judged Lulu and Ashley for judging Bianca’s bitching. Lulu, Cycle 13’s girl-on-girl girl, got the boot. Only 10 shordels remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We begin this week’s shitfest with Kara celebrating her digital art in the house. I still can’t believe she won. She’s super fug. Brittany is concerned about being in the bottom two last week. She should be concerned because Tyrant is bat crazy for putting her there. Bianca celebrated not being in the bottom two and we got to relive the part where Jesus made her soft. Barf.

Tyra Mail arrives and the girls meet with Sam Fine, a makeup artist who looks WAY too much like Benny Ninja. He teaches the girls how to do a smoky eye. Ummm. Isn’t that a basic all shordels should know? Sam Fine then sends the girls off to meet Nigel Barker and his wife Crissy at Walmart. Walmart? Really! For a makeup challenge! No wonder America is so screwed up these days. Top model = Walmart isle whore. The challenge turns extra trashy when the girls literally have to stampede to get to all the items. Haven’t people actually died at Walmart doing this! After all is said and done, Sundai ended up winning the $1000 Walmart gift card. Awesome. Barf.

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Previously on America’s Next Top These Wannabes Are Too Short To Model, Rachel got axed for not showing enough personality while Courtney and her gimpy broken foot got the boot. And don’t forget, Tyrant taught the world how to “smize” and the world blew chunks all over their TVs and poured beer in that crazy bitch’s weave. Ugh. Did you see her on CNN’s Larry King Live? She tried to get him to “smize”. I hate her so much right now. Eleven midgets remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

This week, we start out listening Bianca whine about being in the bottom 2 twice. She thinks she needs to soften up her face. I say she needs to leave because she’s just fugly. Ashley, Tyrant’s chosen one, tells us the judges are worried about her dancing background and then starts bitching about how Bianca is a bitch. Nicole then calls Ashley delusional and judges Ashley for judging Bianca. Keeping up?

The first Tyra Mail arrives and it looks like some runway action. This is gonna be hilarious. Cue the music. Cue Miss Jay stomping it down the red carpet with a little girl. Like an actual little girl. She’s 9. She’s fierce. She is Diva Devine. Do her parents know they gave their daughter a drag name! Like the most stereotypically overused drag name ever! Poor child. Call social services. But dayum! Diva knows how to walk! She stomped the shit out of the runway.

After the midget wannabes get some tips from Miss J, they have a walkoff! I love walkoffs! We walkoff all the time! We, the Homorazzi, are so much more fierce than these bitches. It was so lame! Even Donovan could out walk them! [Publisher's Note: Bitch, Please! I can walk circles around everyone. haha]Sigh. I got my hopes up too high. That was a disappointing walkoff.

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