Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Camille, our darling whacko wannabe from Cycle 2, was eliminated after a very lackluster run this year. I’m disappointed because we never really got to see her stomp out her signature walk that was going to make her famous but didn’t because she was never really that good. Oh Camille. On the flip side, Angelea is making some sort of epic come back. She went from the bottom two to top photo in one week. Tyrant sure is pimping this girl and her “ghetto bitch” storyline. God I hate Tyrant. On the flip side of that, I still love Allison who has been on an impressive roll this cycle. Can she keep it up? Will Angelea continue to be Tyrant’s obvious rags to riches fairy tale princess? Will Kayla rebound from her puke-a-thon slash was it actually some kind of OD as loyal reader Robyn has speculated? Who will be eliminated tonight?
Last week, you’ll recall that I devoted my fave second paragraph to how pissy I was. Sorry about that. Today, life is grand. I have a non-fat, no whip pumpkin spice latte sitting beside me, the planning for New Years’ Eve in Puerto Vallarta is well underway, and I just found out that the boys from the Island (AKA Victoria, BC)are coming over for Bearracuda in Vancouver next week. Stoked! Who doesn’t love a bear/cub/otter/wolf dance party!? Woof. Also, I have Avril’s yeah-ye-ah ye-ah-yeah-ah stuck in head.
We start off this week in the bus with Lisa and Bre lamenting their lower placements from last week. They’re stressed. Bre thought she was gonna be a front runner because she’s been “working” the last six years. Gurl please. Where you been working? Lisa then warns us that it is game on and she is going to go all out to brand herself on this ANTM All Stars platform. She actually used the word “explosive”. Oh shit. Crazy Lisa is coming back. Maybe she’ll shit in some diapers this time, not just piss. That would be fun.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the wannabe retreads took part in one of the coolest photo shoots in a while. Up on stilts, most of the girls delivered interesting shots. Sadly for Isis, her 70s porn star look just didn’t cut it and she got cut. Tee hee. Did you catch the inappropriate gender reassignment surgery joke? I’m a big fan of Isis’ message and determination, but she just wasn’t a model. Now if only Tyrant would get rid of Camille, Angelea, AlexHATEdria, Bre, Bianca, and Lisa I would be happy. This week, some man meat is coming to the photo shoot. I’m excited. But will Kayla have another lesbian panic attach in the presence of beefy studs? Will Jay roll his eyes? Will Angelea bring hood ghetto bitch? Who will be eliminated tonight?
Caution. I am in a MOOD tonight. This may be bitchier than usual. Sorry. Work was frustrating, traffic was a nightmare, boys are dumb, and the barista gave me whip when I said NO WHIP. Seriously? I am grumpy. If Tyrant does anything to piss me off tonight, I will rage. That being said, the new Florence + and the Machine song… Shake it Out… is amazing. It makes me feel better. “It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off”. Imma gonna try Flo. Imma gonna try. On with the show!
We start off with all the girls admiring Allison’s booty tooch photo. OMG. I forgot about the booty tooch. I feel happier already. Thank you booty tooch. You’re the best thing that has happened to me all day. After that we get some Angelea pity party about being in the bottom two. Then Lisa cracks open the wine with some montage footage of her being a drunken crazy person during her season. Lulz. But then she tells us she’s no longer drinking. Shit! That sucks… I mean it’s good, but it sucks. Drunken Lisa is ridiculously funny. I she eating scrambled eggs while the girls all drink wine? Random.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant blessed us makeovers for her two-time wannabes. Most of them ended up looking the same, a few came out a bit less haggard, one or two actually looked better, and poor Bre looked like Late 80s pop band reject. Sadly, AlexHATEdria was one of the girls that came out looking better. That pissed me off. Then, she didn’t suck at the photo shoot. THEN, Sheena got eliminated. WTF. First Brittany, now Sheena. Tyrant is literally trying to kill me. One of the haggard old dramz girls better get the boot this week. But does Tyrant even give a shit about what her audience wants? Will Mr. J wear something bedazzled? Will his hair ever come unglued? Who will be eliminated tonight?
This week in paragraph two I would like to address the breaking news that Andre Leon Talley is out as judge for Cycle 18 of America’s Next Top Model. My thoughts? Meh. I will miss “gauche” and “drekitude”, but will be delighted to see his muumuus fade off into the ANTM graveyard of cast off judges. His replacement? Kelly Cutrone… a Public Relations “maven”. She’s feisty, but I guess this means Tyrant’s experiment with actual “fashion” in Cycles 15 and 16 will be replaced by her current drive for branding. Ugh.
On to the show! We start off this week with Lisa being surprisingly humble about her win for best photo. She tells us nobody’s safe. Cut to Isis who says she’s safe because she has “star quality”. Not looking like a 70s porn star you don’t! OMG. Her hair, the earrings, the top… it’s all wrong. Back at the house, Allison hits the confessional booth in a strange animal head hat to tell us how strange she is. She tells us that she just needs to let the confidence she has shine through. Amen sister. Love you.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, a bunch of mostly-dramatic-not-so-fashion-fierce wannabes re-entered the Top Model house for a second shot at winning Tyrant’s favour and taking home the title of America’s Next Top Extra Correspondent. Thankfully, Tyrant didn’t try and cover up the fact that she a’int looking for a model. She’s looking for a brand. How else could you explain Isis getting first call out over Alison? Ridiculous. Even worse was her inexplicable decision to cut Brittany because the live crowd was “meh” about her as opposed to AlexHATEdria who the crowd mostly hated. I’m still pissed she’s still in the running and I’m gonna be pissed until she goes home. Does Tyrant even give a shit about what I think? Will Shannon wear more slutty bikinis in protest over wearing slutty lingerie? Will Alison continue to be the most amazing girl ever? Who will be eliminated tonight?
For those new to this blog… welcome to the second paragraph. This is where I typically go off on a self-indulgent off topic rant. Today’s special is last night’s episode of Glee. I’m a fan, but can we talk about the cheerleading segments for a second? Was that an intentional homage or an outright rip off of one of the greatest movies of our time… BRING IT ON? Ummm… hello! First there was the tryouts scene and then the whole dance number with Blake! I distinctly remember those quirky 60s fist pumps from the inspirational we’re gonna try new moves montage. I vote rip off. Discuss.
Back to the show! We start off with a bunch of confessionals of the wannabes reciting the “amazing” prizes for the winner. They’re all wearing stupid sashes on their heads which means this must be makeover episode. They all look ridiculous. Someone should be fired for this. Back at the house, AlexHATEdria found a new way to help me hate her. Seriously. Get her the fuck off my TV. She tells us she’s hated, but it’s only because she’s a “misunderstood star”. Barf. Seriously green chunky barf. Gurl, you are not misunderstood. You just misunderstand every damn thing about yourself. Sheena then goes on a rant about how an Asian girl needs to win and break down some barriers. Preach girl. I’m with you.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model… and I’m gonna do this all by memory… Shannon fell into the wrong crowd and got all Jesusy before taking Elyse’s spot in the final two, Camille stomped it out like a horse because her walk was her signature walk and it was gonna make her famous but didn’t, Brittany was too sexy and too Janice Dickinson but somehow got the boot for the whole faltering personality bullshit we see too often, Lisa was a crazy bitch who pissed in her diaper, Bre was a total social disaster and lost it over some granola and Red Bull, Bianca did something dramatic I’m sure but seriously WTF is Bianca, Dominque looked like a haggard old drag queen, Isis had to tuck her twig and berries, Sheena couldn’t shake the whole hoochie thing, Allison took some of the best photos in the history of ANTM but didn’t win because her storyline wasn’t dramatic enough for Tyrant, Laura came second in the season of America’s Next Top Midgets that surprisingly produced a winner with a viable career, Angelea… OMFG don’t even get me started on this one, Kalya was our darling lesbian princess who tried in vain to take awkward Ann out, and Alexandria was my single most disliked contestant in the history of this show. So who, out of all these crazies will win America’s Next Top Model and who will be leaving us tonight?
For new readers to this blog… a warning… I hate a lot of these girls. And, it pisses me off that Tyrant brought so many divas back just for the sake of drama. But I’m not going to dwell. I’m going to mock, I’m going to sully Tyrant’s good name, and I’m going to offer slight praise when it is warranted. Also, where in god’s name is Elyse? If you’re gonna bring back all the bitches, bring back a pretty one who also happened to have the best confessionals.
You know the drill. I’m subbing in for Dan who is as bizzay as a drag queen the morning of a gay pride parade. Gurl has got to get her weave all done, get some pleather boots all zipped up, tie up her corset, and cake on that make up. Last night, the top ten started off the all-star portion of the show with mixed results. The girls definitely out danced the boys and drooled ever so slightly over Pasha. Two dancers are going home. Who will it be? Who is still in the running towards becoming America’s favorite dancer?
First up tonight was a rather uninspiring Broadway number by the top 10 to On Broadway. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a Tyce Diorio piece, but some other guy I didn’t catch the name of. What’s up with Broadway? I love musicals. I love a good song and dance… but the Broadway on this show consistently sucks. It’s almost as bad as Krump. Hopefully we get a better number at some point in the next hour.
Cat tells us how the eliminations will go down and it’s a bit different from year’s past. The bottom two guys and the bottom two girls will be revealed, but the JUDGES will decide who goes home. BULLSHIT. I hate Nigel and his constant manipulations. Just let the voters decide! That is unless he plans on saving Melanie from an early departure. THAT would be a travesty.
So Dan is BIZZAY again. That means you get another round of hot ginger dance recapping. And, what a week to do it! Top ten! All stars! Before we get to all that, I have to give Skeletor (AKA Nigel) some mild praise. He gets on my nerves more than Tyrant, but I have to applaud last week’s cuts. Alexander was holding Sasha back. It was so tragic. And Ryan? Good lord. When are the producers going to wake up to the fact that they cannot force their favourites on us? It always backfires. Ryan was in the bottom 3 FOUR times. And her solos really weren’t that amazing. Just because Mia wants a piece doesn’t mean the rest of us do. On the bright side… Ricky’s solo was stellar. I think that will help catapult him past the other guys now that Ryan is out of here. Here’s hoping we get some shirtless Pasha tonight!
We start off this week with the judges. Nigel blah blah. Mary wail wail. And…. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! Shut up. It’s Doogie. No. It’s Barny. Love him. I feel like Doogie typing away. I should turn my screen blue.
So Dan is STILL bizzay. Therefore you are stuck with the world’s best Ginger (technically strawberry blonde) to bring you the results. Last night, Marko and Melanie continued to impress, Mitchell and Caitlynn soared, and Jordan and Tadd threw Nigel’s attempts to sabotage them in his face. On the flip side, Sasha and Alexander made a hip hop mess and Ashley and Chris struggled with a mild salsa. Who is still in the running towards becoming America’s Favourite Dancer? Who will be eliminated tonight? When will Tyrant Banks come on SYTYCD useless guest judge?
First up tonight was a kicking Bollywood routine to Kata Kata from the Raavan soundtrack. Never heard of it, but the boys sure looked homolicious in their glittering colour of the rainbow outfits. Shhh… don’t tell Skeletor that the rainbow is a world-renowned symbol for gay pride. He might try and pretend that gays don’t rule the dance world. Who run the world? Gays! Even Beyonce knows that. Anyways, back to the show. The girls all looked gorge in their outfits. It was a great routine… everything we love about Bollywood. It was choreographed by Nakul Dev Mahajan.
Thankfully Carmen Electra is missing tonight… so no more deep comments about “feeling it”. After chatting with the judges for a while we finally get to some results. Caitlynn and Mitchell are first up on stage with Melanie and Marko. Oh shit! Those were the best dances of the night! They better all be safe! Oh thank god. They’re all safe. Next up are Ashley and Chris, Tadd and Jordan, and Clarice and Jess. No surprises here. The first couple in danger is Ashley and Chris. They’re joined by Jordan and Tadd. Clarice and Jess are safe. Damn! I wish it was the other way around. The last two couples on stage are Ryan and Ricky and Sasha and Alexander. WOW. Sasha and Alexander are SAFE! What??? Ryan and Ricky are in danger. Isn’t this Ryan’s third time in the bottom? She’s doomed. America is not in love with her the way the producers are.