Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant treated us to one of the most ridiculous displays of her inflated, bloated, and absurd ego ever. EVER. The wannabes were forced to shoot a “motion editorial” to the themes in her novel “Modelland”. Everything about “Tookie” sounds like crap. Someone needs to film a dramatic reading so I can laugh my ass off at Tyrant’s expense. Even worse, Allison almost went home because she didn’t obsess over guest judge Tyson Beckford. Ugh. He and Tyrant are an ego match made in heaven. Allison, the goddess, was saved while Laura was sent home. So here we are. The final three. Angelea, despite being of shape, haggard, generally unpleasant, and identical to every other stereotypical “ghetto” character in ANTM history is probably going to win. That sucks. But any other outcome just doesn’t seem likely given Tyrant’s pimp editing. Sigh. I’m preparing myself now. Can Allison pull off the miracle and send Angelea back to whatever area code she came from? Does Lisa even have a shot? Will Tyrant shove Tookie down our throats? Who will win America’s Next Top Model?
Well boys and girls… another Cycle of Top Model is almost over. It was entertaining, but Tyrant’s heavy hand felt heavier than usual. I hope you all got the chance to read my article on 5 ways to improve ANTM. Tyrant should take note. I don’t know about the rest of you, but there was not enough modeling this cycle and too much nonsense about branding. I’m a huge fan of this show, but it paled in comparison to the most recent season of Project Runway in terms of talent, fashion, and intelligent TV. Tyrant needs to revisit fashion. That’s why I watch ANTM. If I wanted trashy drama with trashy girls, I would watch The Bachelor. I hope you enjoyed the recaps though. I always have fun writing them.
About a two years ago, I was approached by my step-brother and a colleague to donate some of my time to the Dr. Peter AIDS Foundation. They are both on the Board of Directors and asked me to sit on the Communications Committee. Not only do I donate my time helping the folks at Dr. Peter get their message out, but I’m also a monthly donor. Many of us know people living with HIV and AIDS. Some of us have lost people to this disease. But, too many of us are not doing something about it. I’m asking you today to do something, even something small.
21 years ago, a young doctor in Vancouver began a landmark series of video diaries on the CBC. Dr. Peter Jepson-Young changed the way people across Canada and around the world looked at HIV/AIDS. He put a face and a story to the disease to help people better understand it. He chronicled his journey, making 111 video diaries, right up until he died in November 1992. It is an amazing story that was turned into an Academy Award-nominated CBC/HBO documentary called, The Broadcast Tapes of Dr. Peter. Just before he died, Dr. Peter established the Dr. Peter AIDS Foundation. Twenty-one years later, his legacy lives on in Vancouver’s Dr. Peter Centre.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant narrowed the field of wannabes down to the final four when she kicked off Dominique. Much to my frustration, the dramatic but completely not modelesque Angela survived ANOTHER brush with elimination. It’s almost absurd at how much Tyrant is forcing a TRANgelea win on us. We get it Tyrant… you like her backstory. Guess what? We don’t give a shit. The girl can’t model and doesn’t even have enough core strength to hold herself upright in a bowl of Greek salad. Did I mention that Nigel has to physically put her into poses and she hasn’t won a single challenge? Sigh. The good news is that Allison the goddess is still in the running. More bad news… Lisa somehow scraped into the final four along with Laura. I never ever would have imagined those two getting into the final four. But who will make it the final three? Who will be America’s Next Top Model? Who will be eliminated tonight?
So we’re getting down to the wire. Within a couple weeks we’ll know who the winner of this train wreck of a cycle will be. It’s been entertaining, but the modeling has been mediocre at best. Watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night made me realize just how much these girls ARE NOT models. Allison? Yes… in a high fashion and editorial way. Laura, Angelea, and Lisa? No freaking way. Not a single girl this season could’ve walked with those gorgeous girls.
Oh god. This is going to be a nightmare. We start off this week with a Tyrant voiceover telling us some nonsense about seeing the “world premiere fashion film based on my New York Times best-selling novel Modelland”. F*ck me. This has Tyrant overload written all over it.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant waited until the final four before giving us the always lame recap episode. RECRAP. I refuse to blog about it. Instead, I think it’s time we address some issues with the lovely, the noted, the smizingly fiercely real Tyrant Banks and give her some tips on making ANTM great again. Who am I you ask? Just a disgruntled gay who actually loves the show and has never ever missed an episode in 17 seasons, but is growing so weary of the antics, the drama… and Tyrant’s blatant manipulations of the results and story lines. But there’s hope. Here are my Top 5 ways to improve America’s Next Top Model.
How many times have we seen Tyrant pull up a SUPER bad picture of a girl because it’s OBVIOUS she wants her in the bottom 2 or gone? It happened this season to Laura two episodes ago. As if that picture of her looking all twisted in the Greek salad was her best picture. Bullshit. Lisa and Bianca both tried to call out the show for the photo manipulations this year, but both were shot down. Once by Tyrant and once by Nigel. It’s so obvious the girls were right though. That’s why I think the photographers should be the ones to pick their favorite photos and have those submitted to panel. Take Tyrant’s heavy-handed manipulation out of the equation.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the nevergonnabes packed up their bags and flew to Greece for some final six action in a bowl of Greek Salad. Seriously. Tyrant had the girls being all sexy in a giant bowl of tomatoes, cucumbers, massive blocks of feta, and gallons of olive oil. If that doesn’t scream “Top Model”, I don’t know what does. The best part was the continuation of the “underwear versus bathing suit” saga. Oh Shannon. She has no problems wearing slutty bathing suits, but ask her to put on a sporty bra and full-on boy-type underwear and she gets all high and mighty. Gurl. You are messed up. Anyways, she finally got her covered-up ass booted from the competition… but not before Tyrant STRESSED that it wasn’t just about her refusing to pose in underwear. Gurl had never won a challenge or been called for first photo. What a disappointment she turned out to be! Only five girls remain. Who will falter right before the final four? Will it be Allison, our wide-eyed weird goddess? Or Lisa, the loud-mouthed manic attention seeker? Better yet, could this be the end of Angelea and her gut… I mean… “soft core”? Did you see that thing in the bowl of salad! Two words… sit ups. Can Laura ride her country bumpkin charm to the end or is this the end of Granny’s fashion show? Can Dominique continue to shed her dragalicious reputation and win it all? Who will be eliminated tonight?
Hey peeps. First up… sorry I wasn’t around to recap last week’s episode. It was a doozy, but I was off gallivanting around Toronto. It was amazing. Thanks for asking. In this week’s famous second paragraph, which normally features my random ramblings and rants, I would like to applaud all the boys out there participating in Movember. They’re ugly, they’re dirty, they’re covered in last night’s bed time snack, but damn… putting yourself out there for a worthy cause is awesome. I am NOT participating this year (had a couple weddings to look cute for), but I WILL be donating cold hard cash to make up for it. You should too. Check out the story Homorazzi did about some hot Vancouver boys growing MOs here and then donate here.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Kathy Griffin – who the gays normally love all sorts of all the time – was disappointingly boring as a guest judge. Tyrant must’ve threatened to sit on her face if she trashed the show too bad. Speaking of trash, we had a photo shoot dedicated to the heinously ridiculous Snooki and NeNe. Sounds like the noise my mom makes when she sneezes. Predictably, the trashiest girls, Angelea and Lisa did the best while our darling GLBT rep Kayla got the boot. I was pissed. But the good news is that it was a double elimination and Bianca, along with all her drama and egotistical rantings got sent packing too. Will Tyrant keep this train trucking towards trashy? Can Lisa function without Bianca to fight with? Will Angelea say “ghetto”? Only 7 nevergonnabes remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So? Spill it. How was everybody’s Halloween? I had a great time dressed as the amazing Leeloo Dallas. It was epic. I will NEVER forget my 2am walk down Granville (Vancouver’s straight club district) street in that wig, those heels, and those little white strips of ribbon. I’m a little pissed though at my fourth place finish (ahem… 3rd Runner Up) at the club’s costume contest. I got beat out by some trainwreck tranny Cleopatra, a robot, and a giant red bird. What. The. Fuck. No respect for the Multipass.
We start off this week recapping last week’s surprising double boot. They’re all giddy over Bianca’s ouster. Lisa lets us know that it is in fact “karma” that got her top photo. Ummm… no. It was because you got to be trashy. Then, out of nowhere, we get “internet sensation” Madison delivering this week’s Tyra Mail. Ummm. WTF. Never heard of you. Buh bye.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant somehow convinced Canadian stunner Coco Rocha to pose with our nevergonnabes. Needless to say they were all epically outclassed by a real working supermodel. Thankfully, Bre and AlexHATEdria ended up in the bottom two with Bre packing her bags and giving Tyrant major ‘tude on the way out the door. Shame we didn’t get another freak out from Miss Banks. Learn something from this! There are STILL nine girls left. Good Lord! It is time to cut some of the dead weight Tyrant… put some of these girls out of their misery and crush their hopes of a modeling career once and for all. So who’s gonna cry tonight? Who will give Mr. J major eye rolls? Will Lisa wear an awful outfit? Who will be eliminated tonight?
So Halloween is just around the corner? You peeps got your costumes all sorted out? I just did my little dress rehearsal tonight. GURL! All I gotta say is FIERCE with a capital SHAMELESS. I always try to do something ridiculous with as little material as possible. This year might be the best, and by best I mean absolutely heinously amazing. Watch out Fifth Element fans… I got my MultiPass and Leeloo is ready to kick some ass.
We start off this week in the van. Lisa is crying. She’s sad and shocked that Bre went home. They were on Cycle 5 together. That’s how fresh and new these girls are. 12 Cycles later and they still haven’t made it. Lisa thinks shit is gonna get crazy in the house since Bianca’s bodyguard is gone. Uh oh, More Lisa/Bianca nonsense. Can’t wait. Yawn. Cue AlexHATEdria’s turn to cry. She got called a “reality tv star”. Boo hoo sister. You’re on reality tv… and you’re NOT a star. Take it as a compliment. Then we have Shannon wondering what the judges want from her to be more “edgy”. She thinks they want “raunchy”, but she’s not going there… even to win. We know. You’re a saint. You where slutty bathing suits, but not slutty lingerie. Blah blah blah.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, all hell broke loose when Bianca decided to go batshit crazy, Bre decided to be her guardian angel, and Shannon decided to be too pious to fight. Even better was that Tyrant pulled out one of her super ridiculously manipulative storyline stunts to prevent one of her favourite batshit crazy drama girls from going home. Oh, here’s an idea. Let’s let batshit crazy LaToya Jackson decide the callout order. But wait, we can’t send Lisa or Angelea home, so let’s let LaToya decide to keep everyone because it’s what her batshit crazy brother would’ve wanted. Ugh. Nightmare. Tyrant better send two of these nevergonnabes home tonight or I will cancel my subscription to Tyra Mail. Will Bianca continue with the meltdown? Can Allison continue to be the best girl in the world? Will Coco Rocha wish she had never brought her hot Canadian booty tooch to this batshit crap fest? Who will be eliminated tonight?
In honour of all the batshit that is going on tonight, this week’s coveted second paragraph is devoted to Brandon Hantz on the current Survivor. What. The. Fuck. That little weirdo is driving me nuts. I like drama on Survivor, but not when it is brought to us in the confused ramblings of a religiously tormented troll spawn. His obsession with strong, attractive females and their wicked ways is bizarre. His rants and musings about truth, loyalty and God reek of a man brainwashed by monks threatening to castrate him. Enough.
Okay! On with Top Model! We start off this week backstage after the last non-elimination with the girls celebrating… I mean complaining about Bianca’s meltdown. She’s a “spoiled brat” say the girls. She’s a bully blah blah blah. Bianca’s “locked and loaded and ready for war”. I am SOOOOO over this. I was over it last week. I refuse to write any more about it… unless someone does something awesome.