Previously on America’s Next Top Model, we actually got a pretty reasonable episode considering all the nonsense Tyrant has been throwing our way lately. Seymone FINALLY got the boot after weeks of vapid mediocrity and we got to see all the girls model… like actually model. Not sure who brought the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize into the mix (probably Kelly Cutrone), but it was awesome to see the wannabes compete with each other to open a collection. And then, we even got an original photo shoot courtesy of Hello Kitty. And, Sophie is on a roll! Maybe this Cycle could turn around! Yeah right. This week, they’re off to Asia. How many of the wannabes will actually know where Macau is? Will Tyrant make them speak Cantonese… or even Portuguese? Only 6 girls are left. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So this week, the wannabes are off to Macau and it made me think back to all the other international trips… the hits and the misses. Obviously, nothing will EVER top Milan when Shandi cheated on her boyfriend. That phone call is still one of the best moments in reality TV. She was the hottest of ANTM messes. Then there was the oh-so-foreign Maui for the midget cycle. That was definitely the worst. I hope we see some wannabes lost in translation!
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the Brits continued on a comeback role as another American got the boot. This time it was the ever-boring and bug-eyed Kyle that failed to impress. The best part of the whole episode had to be listening to Tyrant pile compliments onto Seymone, because we all know how much Tyrant loves to pimp her pet projects, only to see that the fiercely real wannabe was a total disaster in every single background shot she was in. Amazing. Tyrant is clueless. Speaking of clueless… do you think Nigel, Mr. and Miss J saw the epic firing coming? More on that later. How will Tyrant manipulate the results this week? What annoyingly self-serving nonsense will Madame Ego bless us with? How many Cycles must we wait until Tyrant fires herself? Only 7 or something like that remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
First off… supes totes sorry for being so late with this recap. Last week was crazy for me in the real world with work and stuff. You guys are all so awesome for coming back to this recap every week and I’m sorry I didn’t get it done sooner.
Now… Miss Tyrant. Can I get an UGH? What’s the female version of a douche bag? Seriously. You, your manipulations, and choice to steer ANTM away from modelling towards gimmicks and branding has cost you audience loyalty, credibility, and relevance. This latest stunt has everyone I know rolling their eyes and talking about moving on. Is it time? Are we there? I don’t know about all of you, but I’m pretty damn close to letting ANTM go. Sigh.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant continued along her quest to strip any of the show’s remaining credibility by forcing the wannabes to sing and dance to Lisa D’Amato songs about pot ledoms and booty tooching. Then, she had the audacity to boot AzMarie, one of the most unique and talented models the show has had in years. Why? Because she was good and she knew it. She was too good for Tyrant’s gimmicky nonsense. Tyrant loathes independence in her wannabes. So… poof. Gone. There weren’t even any photos last week. There was no modelling… just shtick and a new low for Tyrant. Can she bounce back? Will she wake up to the fact that she is killing this show and driving its committed fans to the drink? Only 8 girls remain. Who will be the lucky girl eliminated tonight so they can go and start their ACTUAL modelling career?
Hey folks. Sorry about last week’s recap. What a week to miss. You’ll be happy to know that I was in Puerto Vallarta sunning myself on the beach, drinking too much tequila and hanging out with scores of super woofy men. The bad news is I missed an epic episode. I’m almost glad I didn’t recap it… as you can tell by my intro I am still pretty damned pissed about what happened. I knew it was gonna be bad because Dan, Nic, and other friends were hitting my Facebook wall ranting about it. What a sad, depressing, and disappointing spectacle that was. And to lose AzMarie like that. Such a waste of an actual talent. Tyrant… this one goes down with Lauren Brie’s boot and Whitney’s win. Just awful and wrong. Here are some more adjectives… just for fun… lame, transparent, manipulative, and egotistical. Don’t even get me started on the booty tooching crap. Just because your booty is getting bigger, does not mean booty tooching is an actual thing.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant finally delivered a proper photoshoot that let us see which models were really starting to pull away and which were soon to be cannon fodder. AzMarie and Laura seem to the frontrunners for Team Yank while Catherine and Sophie are leading the charge for Team Brit. Unfortunately, we did have to endure another challenge about branding because as we all know being America’s Next Top Model isn’t about modeling, it’s about being a ridiculous brand. Ahem Angelea. Ahem Lisa. Thankfully, Candace and her forced lip pout were sent packing. And this week, the wannabes are off to CANADA for Toronto Fashion Week. Welcome to the land of beavers ladies! How many god-awful Canadian stereotypes will be thrown in our faces? Will Tyrant end every sentence in “eh”? Only 10 girls are left. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Okay second paragraph is all ‘bout Canada tonight. For you American readers, here are some things you need to know about this Canadian. 1 – I do not say “aboot”. I’m from Vancouver; we talk like Californians, not Scottish/North Dakota hybrids. 2 – I do say “eh” and “sorry” WAY TO MUCH. Sometimes thank you and sorry come out in the same sentence. “Oh, excuse me, thanks, sorry”. 3 – I have never seen an igloo in person, but I did play hockey. 4 – I absolutely think curling is an awesome sport and more people should watch it on TV. 5 – I absolutely think Cary Rae Jepsen needs to be the next big Canadian artist to make it in the USA. “Call Me Maybe” is so the song of 2012. And yes, you should call me, maybe.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the sh*t hit the fan. Seriously, what else can I say? I could go on about Tyrant’s ongoing attempts to brand the wannabes (this year as superheroes), or I could jump right into the crazy that was Louise losing it at panel, calling Kelly Cutrone rude and vice versa, freaking out in tears, storming out, and quitting. Her picture was gorgeous, but it wasn’t enough to shut the judges up so she tried to shut THEM up. It didn’t work. Louise’s sudden departure spared the rest of the girls from elimination and there was some serious crap to choose from. I’m looking at you Alisha and Eboni. So what drama awaits us tonight? Will we finally get a normal photo shoot with some actual quality? Will Tyrant give someone a lame speech about branding? Only 11 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So, the other day I was reading some interview Tyrant gave about how the character she portrays on ANTM is just a character and that she’s actually more like the person from her talk show. She wants to go back to the “magic” of Cycle 1 and pull back from her “character” that has developed over the last 18 Cycles. Interesting… right? I’ve been yelling at her for years… all the way back to Cycle 3 or 4 to do this! Is she finally listening? Did the Angelea debacle finally let her see the light? Did she read my article on how to make the show great again? I sure hope so! Read it here. Here’s another little thought for Tyrant to chew on… she, nor her character, are what makes this show great. The amazingness comes from modeling in interesting photo shoots and the models themselves.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant continued her trip down patriotic lane with a delightful visit from some people who have something to do with the Kardashians. I’m still not quite sure who they were. She also delivered some SHAKEOVERS. These weren’t makeovers… or even the dreaded and lame TYOVERS. They were designed to be edgy and crazy… which in Tyrant’s mind means half the wannabes got cool looks and the other ones just got weaves. And, for the second week in a row, the producers, Tyrant, and the models all delivered a very mediocre photoshoot. We’re two for two in terms of lame pictures with bad styling. Ultimately, Mariah, aka Pocahontas, got the boot. Will Tyrant step up her game and come up with a good photoshoot? Will a British girl yell at an American girl? Will someone say ghetto? Only 12 girls remain… who will be eliminated tonight?
So did anybody watch Fashion Star this week? Kind of a cool premise eh? I love that they actually started selling some of the designs online right away. I love Elle Macpherson, but seriously… Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson as “mentors”? WTF. They’ve got nothing on the contestants. So ridiculous. And then there’s this shit fest that is Project Runway All Stars. Ever since Rami left, there’s been no hotness, and somehow Mondo went from the coolest person ever to a dour and uninspiring bore. I hope we get Heidi back soon.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant introduced us to 7 new American wannabes and 7 returning wannabes from previous Cycles of Britain’s Next Top Model. It’s just one more gimmick in her never ending arsenal of craptasticness. The photoshoot was a total hit and miss mess with lots of bad styling and awkward trampoline jumping. Not the best start we’ve ever had. But thankfully Tyrant gave us some red, white, and blue walk-off/trash talk action. Who doesn’t love a trashing talkin’ walk off!!! At panel, Seymone was called out first, which was ridiculous. Tyrant was just trying to suck up to Michelle Obama. The first cut went to Britain (obviously… as if Tyrant would cut an American first) and we lost the lovely Jasmia. Which girl will make a move on another girl first? How many god-awful outfits will Miss and Mr. J wear? Will Tyrant once again try to insist she isn’t biased? Only 13 wannabes remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Side note from ANTM… did you people watch Survivor tonight? OMFG. Can’t wait to read the recaps on that! I was so uncomfortable watching the vaguely racist, intensely classist, and deeply disturbing display of cultural insecurity. Colton is a nightmare. Gives all us gays a bad name… well maybe just the gay Republicans out there. That kid is awful. He needs a little Tyrant tirade a la Tiffany. Learn something from this!
On with the show! We start off this week with Laura doing a good ol’ U-S- A fist pump chant in confessional. I seriously hope we are not going to get this kind of patriotic cheerleading all Cycle long. I’d rather see angry girls claw each other over spotty mirrors and stolen granola bars. Seymone also celebrates her win with a box FULL of swag for Team America. Woah. The producers are serious about splitting this group up along patriotic lines. Cue some bitching from Team Britain! Sophie says it was bull that five Brits were in the bottom. The all commit to smashing the Yanks.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant gave us the absolute debacle that was All Stars. What a train wreck. Allison lost twice… first to Trangelea and then to Pissa in a stunning reshoot of the finale. What a mess. Not even a hot mess. Just a mess. If she even mentions Tookie or Modelland in Cycle 18, I’ll lose it. So what does Miss Ego have in store for her loyal viewers (everyone else stopped watching when Whitney won) this Cycle? An old fashioned patriotic slug fest! It’s a British invasion. Seven former wannabes from BNTM will take on seven newbies from the good ol’ USA. I’ve never seen a single episode of the British version, so all of these girls get a fresh start with me. Also new this Cycle is Kelly Cutrone on the panel. Hopefully she’s got a spine and can stand up to Tyrant’s clumsy manipulations. Who will be the first to cry? Who will be the first to throw a fit? Who will have the best fake scream when Tyrant first walks in the room? Who will be eliminated tonight?
Welcome back peeps and welcome back to the delightfully off-topic second paragraph. To celebrate the start of a new Cycle, I’m only straying slightly off topic. I gotta give a shout out to fellow Homorazzi writer Donovan who did some amazing posts in between Cycles catching us up with former ANTM wannabes. Despite all our scathing hate for Tyrant, we still love the show, and every once and a while it actually leads to awesome careers for some of the girls… as long as they don’t win. Check out his Where Are They Know articles here to catch up with Lauren Brie, Katarzyna, Leslie, Fatima, Jane, Analeigh, and Raina. Snaps for Donovan!