“Speedskater Catriona Le May Doan was left standing holding her torch aloft.”
Have more hilarious words ever been spoken? We all know I’m one of the bigger anti-Olympians out there, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the utterly awesome failure that was last night’s torchlighting. Showing up in the 5th hour to Donovan’s busy Olympic viewing party, I made sure to sport my received-that-day “Nobody Cares” Vancouver 2010 t-shirt from bustedtees. Surviving the gauntlet of jeers from my brainwashed “pro 2010″ friends, I poured myself a huge glass of wine and settled down to watch the last 30 minutes of the show as K.D. Lang belted out “Hallelujah”.
As the ceremonies came to a close and two well-known Canadian men took the stage with their torches (and two barely-to-not-at-all known women as well), we all anxiously awaited the grand finale. Realizing that millions upon millions of dollars had been poured without any care in the world into this show, we all expected a pretty huge shabang. And, it did NOT disappoint. So, spread out in very original “boy/girl/boy/girl” style, the famed Canadians awaited the rise of their giant icicle torches: WAH WAHHHHH. As Wayne Gretzky, Steve Nash, Nancy Greene and Catriona Le May Doan all stood there expectantly, we at home (and in the stadium) realized something wasn’t right: the Olympic torchlighting began to abort…
Time and time again, I seem to end up commenting on the dumber aspects of politics while maintaining that I’m the cast member of Homorazzi the least interested in this world of prorogues and filibusters (don’t worry, I only use words I know ;). Still, I often come across something too funny not to put out there in retort to fellow writer Rich’s eye-rolling anger at me for not being more “involved” by being a “voter” (yes Rich, I put quotation marks around the word voter). This time it was the original Renegade herself: Sarah Palin. Though I spent this Sunday shouting “SCORE!!!” at the football big screen alongside my handsome and equally uninterested new friend Scott, others were apparently following a speech and interview by Sarah Palin amidst some sort of Tea Party Republican revolution against taxes, Obama and the like. Of importance to the hilarity of the situation is that Palin starts out her anti-POTUS rhetoric by mocking him as a “podium president” who wins the hearts of the people merely by repeating empty words prepared for him and parroted to his audience without thought… and then this happened!
Palin literally looks down at her hand and reads off some “key words” she hastily scribbled onto her palm before heading out on stage. I don’t mind the need to cheat, but come on: in a speech about the falseness of prepared words where Obama is mocked for being over-educated and not enough of a leader you end up looking like an 8th grade debater with cheat sheets up your sleeve? Please remember this woman very nearly became the next Vice President of the United States. You gotta love the Americans… and politics… and voting haha. What words did she choose as important enough to make her special list?
Lift American Spirit
Seriously?? Jon Stewart put it best in asking: “Do you really need a note to remind you to lift peoples’ spirits?” Icing on the cake: the tickets to this presentation were $300 a pop- no joke.
LITERALLY, the best title I could come up with at 3am… on a Friday… after an 1181/fountain filled evening. To be fair- let’s pretend I have it in me- the movie was good. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t completely bad either. Was it “Best Picture” worthy? Oh Hellllll to the no. The funniest thing about that award this year (aside from the mormon-esque family of 10 nominees idiocy), is the ex vs. ex battle going on between James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow over the Best Pic title. How the HELL did these movies make it to the top? I realize La-La land is essentially a circle jerk of nepotism with “benjamins” as condoms and tears of the “little people” as lube when it comes to awards and the like, but come on “academy”, get it together. “Hurt Locker” literally had me HOPING the protagonist (ugh, if you could call him that) would die already so the movie would end faster, and “Avatar” was just plain pandering.
My favourite revelation of the night was how to appeal to the cheetos-lovin’ mid-western fams with a blockbuster: be pro troops or be pro religion… these two movies did just that. While “Hurt Locker” decided to go SO viciously “hate the war, love the soldier” that I nearly puked (seriously Bigelow, you think the throngs of 17 year-old soldiers in the Middle East are THAT patient with shooting “suspect locals waving a cell phone, 100 feet from a bomb”? Bitch, Please!), “Avatar” on the other hand went all “God” on our ass. Our alien-lovin’ director opted to paint the war-hungry Americans (cause, let’s face it, those soldiers had zero accent and were 95% white) as frenetic monsters who can’t get enough “savage blood”… well, that is of course for the one female foreigner: “You’re not the only one with a gun, bitch!” (best line of the movie ps.) So, in lieu of bein’ pro-Bush, the flick went all God and religious on our ass: Oh, America… you’re everything most off with the world, but I love your boys, and about 9 of your cities hehe.
All that aside, there were definitely some big issues I had with this movie. And, I decided to you Homorazzi to rant about it ;) Really, why can’t directors just send me a copy of their movie before they hit the print button? Here are my top 5 problems with this “Best Picture” (hopeful).
SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
To be fair, I don’t mean that in the bitchy “Oh, Adam, here we go again” way I usually, would. Rather, you really, really need to have a damn good sense of humor and lack of inhibitions to enter this competition- trust me, I know.
Just over a week ago- while I was ripping up my knees at soccer and Donovan was… getting the sniffles at curling (just as butch, I’m sure)- Terry Costa and his company Mirateca began Cycle Three of “Vancouver’s Gay Top Model”. A relatively new annual tradition, this competition calls for gays from the Lower Mainland to dress up in their tightest Ts and fanciest jeans and collect mid-day at Celebrities night club for a critical review of just how hot they really are. Though we weren’t in attendance for the first event, you can bet we’ll be at the big finale, rating and judging the boys as politely (yup, you can laugh at that one) as possible.
The Mirateca website has a collection of pictures from the “activities” undertaken during the auditions which I truly hope has had a repeal since my bout. Last year we were asked to belly dance and lap around the room until the “plus size model” we had come out sweat enough for us to have to pull the mop out and move on to the underwear contest (the last of which I sadly see was still part of the auditions this year). But, enough lamenting. You’re not here to read about who did the most push ups or who had the best introduction speech (mine was a ridiculous attempt to flirt with Sean Horlor’s intense tattoos haha), but rather we’re here to bitch about and pick apart these poor, poor souls who have put themselves up for public scrutiny.
Update March 2010: TV.Gorge is no longer allowed to post shows directly on their site, instead they offer links to the shows (through sites like Hulu and the such). Boooooooo lawsuits.
Recently having adopted a slightly malfunctioning but huge flatscreen from fellow writers Donovan and Brian they were confused as to why I’d be willing to put up with the three inch vertical black stripe running down the middle of the screen- to which I explained: “Because I’m never going to watch the thing!”
No, I wasn’t just filling up my room with pretty, but useless objects (also why I don’t date anyone younger than me ;) rather, I watch basically 98% of my television shows on my laptop: the other 2% is the news which i do watch on the new “tv” as I get changed in the morning. So, after getting home from a night of work or school- or date gone “interesting”- I immediately log onto my favourite site for the newest TV torrents (www.newtorrents.info/tv). To all you readers logging onto homorazzi using a “dial up” and to all you octogenarians out there, torrents are music/video/tv/software files that are accessible through websites rather than via external programs more limited in speed and susceptible to viruses like Limewire or Morpheus (god, is that even still a thing?).
That being said, while torrents have revolutionized how we nerds and computer-adept watch tv shows and films in the past few years, there’s still that lag of about an hour between tv shows getting put online after they air and of course the time it takes for your computer to download them (though these days that’s gone down to about 30mins-1hr if you’re doing it right). Still, sometimes I want my tv episodes RIGHT AWAY; in comes TVGorge.com, the answer to many, many of our prayers.
Having just returned from a recent jaunt to Hot-Lanta, I was subject to layovers in both directions. Occasionally a daunting prospect to most fliers, I’m one of those people who love to see new airports and new cities (outside the windows of said new airports ;). Usually in the air once every couple months, it had been a bit since my last flight as school has recently taken front row seating in my life so I was a bit rusty on my old traditions but thankfully caught on quickly enough. Realizing we all have our own rituals, I thought I’d put a few of mine out there to explain why if you pass by me in LAX I’ll be in such a weirdly good mood even though it’s still 4 hours before my connection home.
Assuming we all have our iPhones charged and roaring to go come airport time (or iPods if you MUST), you don’t want to be hitting the “random song” button and having Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” bomp on as you wander from A wing to B wing. Don’t get me wrong, love the Chap but particularly when you’re by yourself and in a new place or waiting to visit somewhere new, I love being able to listen to that latest new-find off last night’s “So You Think You Can Dance”. Personally, before any long trip, I make sure to download all the albums and songs I’ve been putting off searching for that have been loading up my Shazaam for the past month and put them onto a looped playlist that I can… yes, quietly sing to while in public… I do that :) Personally, I find it really emboldening to get excited to all-new tunes amidst the strangers and crazies of fellow airportees. This past trip, the big ones were Florence and the Machine’s “Kiss With a Fist” and Vanessa Carlton’s “Ordinary Day” (yup, the latter is an oldie but a newbie to my iTunes so I count that as valid!)
I know Donovan is cringing as I write this as he refuses to let me become “one of those non-stop Jersey quoting people”- and I love him for that- but I just had to for this article.
What is up with Vancouver gays and Robbery?? To establish this term for those not on board the latest and greatest in television reality-show tragedy, “robbery” is when you swoop in and take someone who’s been flirting with someone else. From what I understand it primarily occurs between friends, not just between complete strangers.
Recently, I’ve been hitting the Vancouver nightlife a bit more often as the trips down south have slowed some with the return of school, and as such I’ve been re-introducing myself to the Shakespearean-esque scene we live it: no joke, this place is either a comedy or a drama (nothin’ in between) and there are definitely some main characters due to the tininess of our homo-friendly city! Doing the normal circuit of Fountain Head, 1181, Odyssey, Numbers, Celebrities and the Pump Jack (good god not all in one night though), I’ve had the chance to see some grade-A robberies going on within our gay brotherhood… is nothing sacred anymore?
[Pause for laughter as you realize I'm the author of that "How To Cheat Well" article! Still, let me explain.]
MANDY: Oh, you’re asking him out? Maybe I’ll stay here and mock you.
MARC: What?! You think he’s out of my league? He’s an nine. I’m an eight.
MANDY: He’s a ten. You’re a six.
MARC: You’re a bitch. I’m a seven!
I figured the easiest way to start off this likely controversial topic was with a hilarious quotation most of us can remember from a season two episode of Ugly Betty as the show’s homo ridiculously attempts to woo a “9 out of 10″ model. As he and his hag debate over whether he has a chance with the hottie, I sat at home laughing at the situation which has come up so often for my friends and I as we navigate the world of gay dating and cruising.
Admittedly, this tendency isn’t at all reserved especially for the world of queers, still, having friends in all categories of gay, straight, lez and all interesting points in between, I fully believe that we male-lovin’-males do have a special penchant for rating men as we click on their manhunt profiles, catch their gaze across the bar or take that extra look as we pass on the street. I’m absolutely going to hear it from my friends in denial- oops, I mean friends “with different opinions”- but I think I’ve set myself up on this site as someone who would rather confront the harsh realities of our rainbow flag waving world than pretend we can achieve utopia through suppression and prohibition. But, no judgment of COURSE ;)
Really quick, what are YOU out of 10???