SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
To be fair, I don’t mean that in the bitchy “Oh, Adam, here we go again” way I usually, would. Rather, you really, really need to have a damn good sense of humor and lack of inhibitions to enter this competition- trust me, I know.
Just over a week ago- while I was ripping up my knees at soccer and Donovan was… getting the sniffles at curling (just as butch, I’m sure)- Terry Costa and his company Mirateca began Cycle Three of “Vancouver’s Gay Top Model”. A relatively new annual tradition, this competition calls for gays from the Lower Mainland to dress up in their tightest Ts and fanciest jeans and collect mid-day at Celebrities night club for a critical review of just how hot they really are. Though we weren’t in attendance for the first event, you can bet we’ll be at the big finale, rating and judging the boys as politely (yup, you can laugh at that one) as possible.
The Mirateca website has a collection of pictures from the “activities” undertaken during the auditions which I truly hope has had a repeal since my bout. Last year we were asked to belly dance and lap around the room until the “plus size model” we had come out sweat enough for us to have to pull the mop out and move on to the underwear contest (the last of which I sadly see was still part of the auditions this year). But, enough lamenting. You’re not here to read about who did the most push ups or who had the best introduction speech (mine was a ridiculous attempt to flirt with Sean Horlor’s intense tattoos haha), but rather we’re here to bitch about and pick apart these poor, poor souls who have put themselves up for public scrutiny.
Let me first start by saying for 80% of the time, this is not what these boys look like up close. The past couple years of this contest has seen some brilliant photoshopping as heroin addicts were turned less track-marky and hein-ball twinks (yes, even skinnier than yours truly) were airbrushed into having Ken Doll lines. Still, having met most of these gays in person, I do have a good impression of what happens when the powder comes off (and let me tell you, they LOVE to pound that cake makeup on in this show!) Let’s go alphabetical style- worst to best just seems cruel ;)
[Quick Note: You can click on each of their names to be taken to their "Gay Top Model" profile page where their answers to a brief questionnaire can be found on the right side of the screen... for some of these mo's you have to see their answers to believe em'... worth the check!]
Best Quality: Straight Face
Biggest Weakness: Pose
Predicted Final Placement: 3rd
Adam is actually a contender in this thing. Though unfortunately a bit smaller than some of the other cute guys in the competition, at 5″11.5 this kid is still in the running. Little known to our year until the end, height is actually a huge factor when it comes down to it as nobody is hiring a model under 5″10/5″11. Just like with Tyra’s past season of tiny models, anything under 5″10-ish for a guy threatens to be overshadowed by taller girls in heels. Adam has what I call “straight face” (basically the opposite of “gay face”) which allows him to pass as hetero- a big plus in any modeling that doesn’t involve advertising for Tommy D’s latest pre-circuit party function hehe. What this guy needs to work on is his pose however… from the pics from the audition, it seems he’s a bit awkward with his body and doesn’t yet know which hip to push in and which extremity must always be pressed out ;) But, Terry Costa’s behind the scenes boys do provide a lot of one-on-one and group training on the finer details of modeling so that’s why I’m confident he’s gonna make it pretty far. Plus, he just plain looks like he has friends- which is a HUGE help in this competition… only reason I made it as far as I did! Certainly wasn’t my “pipes” ;)
Best Quality: Body (legs)
Biggest Weakness: Slight nerd vibe
Predicted Final Placement: 4th
The youngest of all the contestants- which means that he’ll likely have the biggest throng of high school hags out to scream his name and vote non-stop but also that he’s gonna stand out backstage when anything that came out pre “One Tree Hill” gets discussed- I think Fraser will do pretty damn well. The recent winner of the Odyssey Calendar Contest, this boy has proven he can work a room and can definitely hit the gym. His profile is definitely revealing of the young age- we all love a “Mean Girl” quote, but writing in your model-attempt profile that “people are jealous of” you is a definite no no. I do think the tree trunks on this kid is gonna help him in all the underwear and skimpy contests, but speaking might end up being an issue as personality does have a role in this… but I’ll have to see how he does at the next event for myself. Finally, the boy showed up in a knit sweater (no, nothing as cute as an Irina Shabayeva original) and knee-high leather boots. FAIL. A lot of our year was made up of our own outfits and personal style… but we’ll see how much rope Terry gives these boys to possible hang themselves with this year! The kid is sweet though! Recently, I “ran into him” online and I do think he has enough going on that he doesn’t need to bust out the faux lookin’ sheek-geek glasses to prove it ;)
Best Quality: Looks a little like Michael Bublé
Biggest Weakness: Looks a little like Michael Bublé
Predicted Final Placement: N/A
To explain the “not applicable” placement prediction, in the past couple years only the top 3 or 4 contenders were named after the top 10 are identified, so assuming that tradition stays the same and not wanting to call one of these boys Mr. 10th place- I do have a bit of a heart- I’ll just rate my top 5. Garon is unfortunately my “Who?” pick. I literally had to scroll over and over through pics from the audition to find his poses as I kept forgetting what he looked like. His profile came out a little more homo than I would prefer (quotation from RuPaul, and using the word “fabulous” in his explanation of his education… you have to read it to believe it) and the tummy didn’t quite “do the wash” like with the rest of the boys. While my year has been called the “plunge” as the overall look and body average went way down from Cycle 1, this year seems to herald the return of the 6-pack abs. Be it a reaction to “Jersey Shore’s” The Situation or a desperate attempt to not look as dumpy as we did in those “made for jocks only” Sweat Undergear tighties we were given, I fully believe this year is going to go to a muscle head. So, while the boy is trying, I think he’s gonna average out more to the middle-of-the-pack.
Best Quality: The eyes
Biggest Weakness: Blond streaks…? Really?
Predicted Final Placement: N/A
First off, let’s give the little engine that won’t a round of applause for representing my hometown of Richmond! …Okay, you can stop clapping, he’s not going to win. First off, your favorite place in the world cannot be Celebrities Nightclub. I don’t care how often we’ve all gotten a naughty blowie from a giant muscle monkey in that first stall (Christ, stop banging on the door you queens, I’m nearly finished!), it is not an acceptable answer to that question. Not only do you seem to break my “Top 10 things over the age of 25 you can’t get away with” rule of not having a passport, but the hair… my god the hair. Ever since Pacey started off that season of “Dawson’s Creek” with frosted tips, the ability for any of us to follow suit went right out the window. Girl, you’re 25, accept it and go natural. Thankfully, the hair and makeup advisers employed by Mirateca are meticulous and very controlling (for those who need it mind you), so I think this problem should be fixed up toute suite. Finally, while he has some nice blue eyes, it’s not from 1954 and “pretty eyes” don’t get you laid no more. Next!
Best Quality: Productless hair
Biggest Weakness: Everything but his hair
Predicted Final Placement: N/A
Too funny! Literally, as I wrote those best and worst qualities I hadn’t even looked at his profile yet, and, sure as heck, the boy’s education is listed as… wait for it… “Voila Institute of Hair Design.” Too fuckin’ perfect ha. So, while this kid apparently won the most recent mini-competition Gay Top Model held for “Best Head Shot” a cursory glance of the rest of his audition pics reveal that that’s about where his winning streak is gonna end. To give you and idea of what he comes across as, view some of our writer Nic’s pics and imagine it but skinnier and somehow paler. He seems “very nice”, but nice don’t win tiaras sugar. One of the older models, I will grant him a good attempt at pulling of the baby-face boy-next-door thing, but like I said before, this year is going to a protein shake pounder!
Best Quality: Brains to match the body
Biggest Weakness: Not pandering enough
Predicted Final Placement: 1st
So, let’s get the nepotism out of the way: I am fully friends with this boy. BUT, let’s also get it out of the way: I’m a pretty superficial guy, so saying that already puts him into this competition’s top 5 haha. But, seriously, Riley is my top pick for this competition. One of two university grads (Christ gays, “High School Diploma” is not an acceptable bragging point), this guy has been hitting the gym- and the Body Energy Club I’m sure- for years, and it shows. One of the few guys who actually didn’t elicit a “yikes!” during his underwear shoot, he gets the crowd looking at both the package and the face. While a couple of our muscled boys are afflicted by the ever-looming threat of “butter face”, there’s likely not a mo out there that can argue with his sexy straight-guy-stubble. Still, it’s not completely “in the bag”. Being able to sell yourself like a nearly expired chunk of beef from “Save on Meats” on East Hastings is sadly a huge part of this production, and I’m worried- knowing Riley- that he’ll be a bit more reserved than is required. Also, he’s my height- and that helps no one. Thankfully, he has arms enough to totally distract from that fact… hopefully. Time will tell!
Best Quality: BODY
Biggest Weakness: Height- lack thereof
Predicted Final Placement: 2nd
Being totally superficial on this one (haha, I know right), this guy definitely has a chance in this thing. Clearly living out of Steve Nash, Rob is the Schwarzenegger of this thing: ripped as hell but face is a little strained from the years of bench pressing 200 lbs (honestly, I just guessed 200 is a lot, I don’t even know). I’m very interested to see how this guy performs live, but the pics definitely show he knows how to wear… well, very little, very well! Being a bit harsh, I do have to point out of the ears which are admittedly stickin’ out there. Somewhat distracting from the gun show going down under the shoulders, this guy will likely do very well in any athletic-wear competition they have, and I somehow feel that’s worth a lot more points than the “Talent” portion of the show (which coincidentally doesn’t exist). Unfortunately, Rob is the shortest guy in this competition and I think for that reason he’s gonna make it far but not ultimately clinch the title. To be fair, if you’re gonna loose for something, it may as well be something you have no control over: less damage to the fragile gay-ego ;) Oh, and the tats are hot too!
Best Quality: Versatile Hair
Biggest Weakness: Body
Predicted Final Placement: N/A
A graduate from the Blanche MacDonald Fashion Institute, I’m kind of thinking Toban should stick to following his degree- whatever the hell it is they give degrees in at Blanche MacDonald. Definitely trying out there on the Celebrities’ stage, the body unfortunately doesn’t match the attitude or confidence. Clicking the “average” body type while creating your Manhunt profile should kind of be your first clue that maybe a modeling competition isn’t quite for you. Still, the hair is funky and will likely be well-coiffed by the Mirateca staff so that’ll definitely be something to watch out for. Thankfully, my aversion to all makeup and my one inch hair length kept me safe from intervention last year, a lot of guys do react well to this production’s Tyra-esque makeovers and I think Toban might be one of them. Still, the title of winner is not a likely ending for his story.
Best Quality: Uniqueness
Biggest Weakness: Skinny Muscle
Predicted Final Placement: 5th
Tyrone is the motley crue Jamaican/Irish/French/Native entrant with a new look that definitely gives him some edge in the competition. This Surrey-born boy (we’ll try not to hold it against him) does offer some competition in his clear athleticism and height at 6″2, but still, likely ain’t gonna steal the title. His shots came out… nice… but unfortunately, I don’t think the 24 year-old has quite yet discovered the marvels of roid cycling as his undie shot came out a bit lacking in the torso and leg section. I know our writer Redd has a huge thing with gays who ignore their legs at the gym, and now I know why. A handsome kid, you can’t help but notice that the carpet don’t quite match the drapes between the legs and the torso. Still, I think he’s got some staying power in this thing and I’d love to see how far he can take it!
Best Quality: Profile write-up
Biggest Weakness: Emo look
Predicted Final Placement: N/A
This is what we call in the Gay Top Model world: “The next guy to go.” Yes, I’m a bitch, but let’s honestly compare the boys on a purely physical level and realize that it’s time to go for red/blond streaked Zackeri. While he definitely shows a great level of confidence in his shots, the pros kind of end there. I’m praying that isn’t a Chinese character tattoo running vertically up his waist (if it translates to “strength” I literally might choke to death) in the near-nude shots and am confident the Mirateca boys are going to be providing this kid with a plethora of tanning freebees to get his colour on to avoid the Robert Pattinson look that even the actor himself isn’t pulling off that well these days. I’m glad it looks like the kid has a direction in his education goals and would likely suggest he skips the runway and hits the books. Thanks for comin’ out Zack, but I think we’re soon going to be asking you to sashay away!
Overall, I’d say better in the face than my year and better in body than the first: I’m actually quite looking forward to see what Terry Costa comes out with for the big finale. I absolutely adore that this all benefits a charity I love and have been involved with for other three years now, Friends For Life, and for that reason- and the chance to bitch about the costumes I know we’re gonna be seeing. Knowing that the cast of models include everything from queens to manhunt trollers to full-on kept boys just adds spice to the mix hehe. We’ll keep you abreast of any possible twists and turns that may occur before the final show (April 1st, Celebrities Night Club)… If any of these boys even gains a POUND that doesn’t end up on a bicep or triceratop (that’s a muscle group right?), or end up involved in a fisting scandal, you can bet we’ll update the top of this article and report it ;)