“Speedskater Catriona Le May Doan was left standing holding her torch aloft.”

Have more hilarious words ever been spoken? We all know I’m one of the bigger anti-Olympians out there, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the utterly awesome failure that was last night’s torchlighting. Showing up in the 5th hour to Donovan’s busy Olympic viewing party, I made sure to sport my received-that-day “Nobody Cares” Vancouver 2010 t-shirt from bustedtees. Surviving the gauntlet of jeers from my brainwashed “pro 2010” friends, I poured myself a huge glass of wine and settled down to watch the last 30 minutes of the show as K.D. Lang belted out “Hallelujah”.


As the ceremonies came to a close and two well-known Canadian men took the stage with their torches (and two barely-to-not-at-all known women as well), we all anxiously awaited the grand finale. Realizing that millions upon millions of dollars had been poured without any care in the world into this show, we all expected a pretty huge shabang. And, it did NOT disappoint. So, spread out in very original “boy/girl/boy/girl” style, the famed Canadians awaited the rise of their giant icicle torches: WAH WAHHHHH. As Wayne Gretzky, Steve Nash, Nancy Greene and Catriona Le May Doan all stood there expectantly, we at home (and in the stadium) realized something wasn’t right: the Olympic torchlighting began to abort…


After hitting repeat on the trumpet iPod song playing the torchbearers through the final moments more than a few times, the giant icicle torches finally began to rise… but not all of them!! Never has my smile been so huge. Walking into the main room at Donovan’s party I was instantly met with anger and resentment as my predictions of disaster came to volition. The 4 giant torches were meant to collide mid-air in some sort of Native teepee-esque way but only 3 made it to the party. Catriona Le May Doan’s torch never rose. Maybe it didn’t know who she was either šŸ˜‰

David Atkins- the man hired years ago to “parlay millions of dollars” into this show to make sure it was spectacular- blamed “hydraulic issues” as the culprit. Simply awesome. My immediate facebook change read as such: “Olympic Ceremony Torch Lighting: FAIL!!!!! should have had it made in china!!” This truly was a once in a lifetime experience… my friends had been right this entire time!

To give a bit of background on my abhorrence of this event, it needs to be said that for the past couple days I’ve been having an all-out war with some “I want to ignore the past and live blindly in princess fairytale land” friends concerning the origins of the Olympic Torchlight Relay. You do know it began as Nazi war propaganda in 1936 right? Hoping to compare the pure aryan race and their ambitions to the ancient greeks, Hitler restarted the Torchlighting tradition and turned into in a relay to show off the athletic prowess of his blond haired, blue eyed followers. So, how is it that 2% of people today actually know or even care about this fact? I’m still unsure about that one. According to my friends it’s easier to ignore the sad stuff and focus on the FUN! Yeah, that’s cute… but not very responsible.

Oh well, karma kicked us nucks in the ass last night as the Olympics kicked off with a giant miscarriage.

I love the Olympics :)