Well, David Letterman can’t have all the fun… and let’s face it, that ticker? He’s not going to be around forever anyway so SOMEone’s going to have to take the reigns… and who better than one of Homorazzi’s judgiest writer?
So, Donovan first approached me with the idea of creating a video version of a “Top Ten List” that covers the whole spectrum of issues but with one consistent: my bitchy take on subject.
For this first list, I take a look at the world of growing older in the gay world and discuss- what I perceive to be- the “Top 10 Things You Can’t Get Away With After 25″.
As this was a first time attempt, do be kind with the fact that I didn’t QUITE realize the need to memorize my lines before hoping on camera… Hell, make a drinking game out of it: every time you catch me looking slightly off screen to scan my cue card, take a shot of vodka… Christ, take a HALF shot of Butter Ripple Shnaps instead and you’ll STILL be wasted by the time I get to talking about people who dye there hair blond!
Here’s a few random transcripts from the video… but really, unless you’re seeing me, lounging in the ghetto-fabulous parks of the downtown eastside as I recount the woes of double fisting (yes, that’s in there) you won’t truly get the full picture, so click and sit back and enjoy!
10. McDonalds DEALBREAKER! I don’t care about their 1$ menu, or the low-fat salad option. This fast food restaurant is the last bastion of depressed over-eaters and drunken late-night clubbers who struck out. You’re over 25 now; go home and drink 2 glasses of water and take 3 Advils before you finally pass out. Don’t join Grimace for that 3AM extra value meal unless you want to start looking like him. Your metabolism ain’t what it use to be and your hips will be even forgiving than I am. Pre-dawn binging aside, there are so many healthier and tastier, cheap options for quick food and many of them don’t ask if you want it super-sized… which, by the way, you don’t… trust me. At your age, you should have than batteries, baking soda and milk for the morning’s protein shake in your fridge. Learn how to cook and save both your walled and the threadbare waistline on your Diesels!
4. Puka Shell Necklaces: The dreaded, puka shell necklace… I’m sure your first trip to American Eagle seemed like a good idea… in 1995! But purchasing their 4$ “authentic Hawaiian wear” is anathema to gay cruising. P.S. I don’t care if you actually DID get it in Hawaii by the way- that’s where So You Think You Can Dance Kupono’s from and nobody wants to hit that fashion disaster! Boys, what happens in the 50th state, stays in the 50th state!
2. Abercrombie and Fitch: Yeah, I said it. First off, wearing ANYTHING with that sad little “A & F” logo on it is straight up criminal at any age. After 25, Christian Siriano will personally come to your house and bitch slap you, hard, in the mouth. Fine, subscribe to their “porn light” homo-erotic quarterly, but if you even think about how you’d look in that cut-off T that 19-year old, skidooing Adonis is modeling, take a quick look at your license: if the number on it is lower than 84 then a) that kid in the magazine is WAY too young for you and b) that shirt won’t fit you… I don’t care what size you are: that shit won’t fit. Hell, the store itself tries to scare away us olders: the air conditioner that dispenses their over-bearing cologne every 4 minutes and that crap house music blaring on their speakers… a shopping experience not for the feint of heart!
Hope you’ve enjoyed the teasers from the Top 10 list. For the remainder of the list, check out the video below ( If you want to see Adam in high-def, click here.) This is the first episode from our Top 10s series. Stay tuned for future episodes with your favorite Homorazzi cast member taking their stab at hosting duties. If you have feedback, we’d love to hear it. Post your comments after the vid.
UPDATE: Since posting this video, one of our readers “informed us that Adam still lives at home. Patrick and Donovan decided to do some investigative reporting to uncover the truth. Click here for their brief mockumentary.