straight-mens-guide

I came across this funny article a few months ago and it’s just too good not to share. It basically explains to the straight guy (who almost always thinks a gay guy is hitting on him just because he is talking to him) that this is not actually the case. I found this article in a blog called “Rottin’ in Denmark“. Honestly if I was a straight guy and I was secure with my sexuality, I would actually take it as a compliment that gay guys find me attractive cause god knows, us gays have almost unrealistic expectations not just with ourselves but also when we look for a partner. Yes that is a generalization and not all gays are like that so take a chill pill before you get defensive on that statement. Here’s what the guide says:

1. This will probably never happen to you anyway, so stop being paranoid. Gays mostly stick to their own, and besides, you’re probably not attractive enough to get past our raptor-like imperfection detectors. The reason we’re looking at you like that is because we’re judging you, not lusting. Furthermore, despite our reputation, gays are the most banter-inept demographic group outside of a spelling bee, and we only talk to strangers when we’re drunk.

I don’t completely agree with this statement cause a lot of alleged straight guys have been known to swing the other way sometimes or occasionally for that matter. But most of the time when I do look at a beautiful straight guy I am to a certain degree judging him from the way he dresses to who he is hanging out with at that given time.

2. Not all gays who talk to you are hitting on you. There are a million reasons why one person strikes up a conversation with another at a bar, a social event or in line for the ATM. If a proximate wrist-flipper looks at you and says something like ‘Wow, this bus sure is late, huh?’, assume innocent intentions.

Because most straight guys think a gay guy is hitting on them just because they are talking to them, I find this makes for an awkward conversation. If the straight guy just eases up a little bit he’ll find that the gay guy really isn’t interested in him.

3. Unless, of course, one starts a conversation with you at the gym. There is no reason ever to do this, and anyone who makes chit-chat between treadmills (or, for the love of God, in the locker room) is hitting on you. Deal with it.

There will be telltale signs if a gay guy is hitting on you. If he’s a little to close, is he looking at you with a longing stare & is he touching you anywhere below the shoulders (if we pat you on the shoulders that doesn’t mean we’re hitting on you). Vancouver has a pretty integrated gay community and most straight guys here are used to us and almost never assume that we are hitting on them. A few straight guys have struck up a conversation with me at the gym & vice versa and neither parties felt anyone was hitting on the other. But trust me, we know if you are curious ;)

4. Deal with it. Despite what movies, sitcoms and the Republican National Convention may lead you to believe, gays don’t make lascivious passes at straight guys in the real world. We might smile or say hi, but we’re just feeling you out. If a nearby guy is cute, we figure we might as well greet him and assess the dilly. We’re not mentally measuring you for our leather dungeon or anything.

Because it’s harder and harder to tell who is gay or not in this metrosexual saturated world, of course we have to do a little investigating and if we do talk to you we are just trying to find out what you are all about and if you play for the same team. I was in Germany last year and my already poor gaydar was thrown for a loop. I have the worst gaydar (actually I don’t even have gaydar, what am I talking about LOL). I am oblivious and clueless when it comes to people hitting on me.

5. Chat, damn youIf a gay guy says something about the weather (I told you we were socially inept), just respond like you would with any non-Sodomite conversationalist. You’re not going to accidentally speak in Gay Code or anything.

Pretty much self-explanatory…. be polite. Speak when you are spoken to. Ignoring people is just a sign of douchebaggery.

6. If, however,you have a friend whose name happens to be Dorothy, I wouldn’t mention her at this stage.

Yes, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

7. Convey ‘I’m straight’ in a friendly way.Just throw in ‘Oh, you like Mamma Mia? My girlfriend loved that too.’ Or ‘Yes, I have been working out a lot lately. I’ve been stressed since the Patriots lost to the Jets.’ If the opportunity doesn’t immediately present itself, just end a few sentences with ‘bro’.

We’re allergic to girlfriend and sports so if you mention these 2 things, this will get us off your back. Bro’ & Dude will work as well (immediate turn off).

8. Don’t say some shit like ‘No offense, but I’m straight.’Thanks for your Mother Theresian depths of tolerance, Chad, but you’ve just made us feel like a kiddie-pool pervert. Imagine striking up a conversation with a woman next to you on a flight and getting ‘I’m married!’ within 15 seconds. If we weren’t judging you before, we are now.

Again, don’t be a douchebag. Take it as a compliment that a gay guy finds you attractive. Most women settle and trust me, we don’t.

9. We recognize your straightness. The fact that we are still chatting to you even though you’ve mentioned your fictional Swedish girlfriend multiple times does not mean we ‘won’t take no for an answer’. If anything, our intentions are even more innocent now that it’s established that the plug and the outlet are a different voltage.

Some gay guys are relentless even to their own kind. Like straight guys, some gay guys also don’t know how to take NO for an answer.

10. Forget about it. Every gay guy has straight friends he originally chatted up because he thought they were cute (we will never admit this, however, so don’t ask specifics), and any proper g’adult will simply cross your name off his ‘potential free breakfast’ list and continue getting to know you. Or he’ll just smile and nod until he can ask what your brother looks like.