Picture it with me: You’re at the gym. You’ve been good this week, and this is your fourth day in a row putting on a slightly revealing tank top and form-fitting shorts to strut yo stuff. You are feeling yourself, henny. Maybe you’re imagining it, but it seems like some other guys at the weight rack are feeling you too- even though you’re pretending not to notice, you can feel their gazes following you as you squat.
She’s still got it.
And then, just as you’re about to put some really heavy weights on your bench (Maybe a little too heavy, but ya gotta look impressive, amiright?) you see him.
You know the guy. His biceps are just slightly bigger than yours. His butt’s bigger, but somehow his lower back is cinched to the gods. He’s younger and prettier. His name’s probably Chett.
Ugh. I hate that guy.
And all of a sudden your self-confidence is deflated. All of a sudden you feel gross, and bloated, and you stick to the machines furthest away from everyone else, because you just want to get that workout done and get out of there.
Envy is complicated in the gay world. It’s interesting, because the guys like Chett who make you feel gross and not enough are often the same men we are attracted to. We love the Insta models, but we also compare ourselves to those models.
Even in my own relationship with my husband, I can honestly say that I find myself playing the ‘comparing’ game. I find myself at times noticing when other guys at the bar are checking him out- and instead of getting territorial or mad, I just get jealous that they aren’t checking me out.
That’s a really gross thing to admit, y’all.
Envy is looking at someone else and saying, if I were just more like them, maybe I’d be enough.
Which, inherently, means that you’re saying that you aren’t.
Now, of course the cliche thing to say is, ‘Babe, you are enough! Stop comparing yourself to others- just focus on being your best self!’ And I do think that’s great advice; it’s not always that easy, though.
I think it’s more realistic to just acknowledge your envy, and manage it, rather than ignore it.
Maybe instead of telling yourself that you are perfect, and Chett from the gym can fuck right off, we can get to a place where we say, “Yeah, Chett’s body is hot as fuck. This is true. What also is true is that I’m doing just fine physically. What also is true is that my husband tells me he loves my smile, amongst many, many other things.”
I think the key to ‘controlling’ your envy is to never forget what you bring to the table. Sure, there are guys who have an eight pack and huge arms, but they may not be able to cook or bake like you. There may be guys who can enchant anyone around them through their amazing storytelling, but they may not be able to create the amazing art you can. We all have our gifts.
Plus, the cool thing about being gay is that we get to sexualize a lot of our envy. For example, I really get jealous of guys who are bigger, buffer, and stronger than me. So naturally, I love a muscle daddy- nothing turns me on more. So acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses can make us feel confident in what makes us special, and horny for what we’re not so great at.
Wow, being gay is great!
The point is, even though you’re glaring jealously at Chett and his fuckin’ cake, it’s important to realize that there is someone else at the gym doing the same thing to you. We’re all jealous of each other. We all want what we can’t have- it’s a universal symptom of humanity.
So recognize that. Notice what makes you envious of someone. And then focus on your strengths. That way, you can refocus your mind to look at what’s going on realistically.
And plus, as Mama Ru says, “If you can’t love yoself, how in the Hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
This week, my challenge to you is to write down five things about yourself that you know are special. That way, when the envy dragon rears its head, you’ll be able to kill that sucker. If you can’t think of five, try three. If you can’t think of three, ask a friend or family member for help. You’ll be surprised at all of the amazing things they see in you. 🙂