The Hills Season 5.5 Episode 1: “It’s On Bitch”

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We’re back! So as The Hills starring and narrated by Lauren Conrad Kristin Cavallari starts (or the second half of season 5 to be specific), we start off shortly after the Speidi Wedding at a welcome back pool party for Heidi and Spencer (since they had been away bringing the drama to the jungle in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here, Posing Nude, and Performing at the Miss Universe Competition) at The London in West Hollywood. The Bitch is Back and she drives a BMW convertible (I think it’s Lauren’s old car) and a smokin’ pad in Malibu (that we haven’t seen yet).

Heidi and Spencer are looking forward to finally having a party all together, now that there is no split with Lauren dividing groups of friends. Interestingly enough, Brody’s subtitle is now, “Kristin’s Ex Boyfriend” as opposed to “Lauren’s Friend”. Kristin has officially taken over the show. As Kristin drives to the party, her theme song begins: “I Get Around” by Dragonette (whom Donovan recently interviewed).”

Most people are already at the party. Everyone is there (except maybe Holly – who’s probably passed out drunk at home). Justin arrives and says hi to everyone, but didn’t say hello to Audrina – which she certainly noticed. Then, comes Kristin’s debut. She says hello to a bunch of guys first, then Heidi, then like a heat seeking missile, heads straight for Justin Bobby’s loins. In Audrina’s defense, Stephanie goes to Justin Bobby and asked why he didn’t say hi to Audrina upon arrival, and then disrespects her by talking to Kristin Cavallari (whom has expressed some interest in JB at the Speidi Wedding). In no time at all, Kristin comes into it and defends JB saying he’s a big boy. And they (Audrina & Stephanie vs. Kristin) all start bitching back & forth, Kristin swearing her head off. The Hills drama has just gone to another level (almost Jerry Springer?) “You guys came at me like a bunch of piranhas!” shouts Kristin. As they get pulled apart, Kristin is still yelling at Stephanie, “It’s gonna be like this?! It’s gonna be like this?! You fucked with the wrong girl!!!” Meanwhile, Stephanie to Lo, Heidi, and Audrina, “She’s the girl that’s gonna stab us all in the back and she doesn’t care.” Kristin to her girls (in referring to Stephanie),”You just fucked yourself.”

WOW. How’s that for the first drama of the season? I only wish I could see how Lauren would deal with this LOL. She’d die.

CUT TO: Stephanie & Audrina at a restaurant. They discuss what happened, and revisit their thoughts that they were going to give Kristin the benefit of the doubt, considering what they’d heard about her before. Audrina says,”After that, being a complete Psycho Bitch? That’s it. I do not like her.”

CUT TO: Frankie’s birthday. Smaller group of people are invited out for a patio lunch for Frankie’s birthday. Stephanie & Lo decide to go (Audrina’s not) even though they know that Kristin will most likely be there.

CUT TO: Boring/Annoying Stuff. Heidi & Spencer are looking at a new home. Heidi is sooo annoying with her high pitched exclamations. “Awwww, look! It’s so nice. Look at the red door.” The agent mentions a nursery, and Heidi wants to see it. Spencer is not into Heidi using that type of vocabulary.

Time for the b-day lunch. Stacie the bartender’s there as well. Kristin is sitting on one end with JB, etc. and way on the other end are Lo and Stephanie. Bitch & Bobby begin flirting. Kristin asks him if he’s single, Stacie refers to Audrina as a stage five clinger, and Lo whispers to Stephanie, “If Audrina was here she’d have a heart attack.” Lo doesn’t want to get on Kristin’s bad side though, so she’s civil.

Right after, Kristin lures JB to go watch the game at a pub with a bunch of others. During that time, they discuss going on a date and start talking about Kristin’s bed and breaking it in at some point. Seriously? That’s forward. Maneater it is!

Meanwhile, Heidi & Spencer go to another house. Heidi’s not feeling it: “It’s like a porno pad.” She feels it’s too modern and wants the white picket fence. Then she goes in the backyard and likes the greenery. Spencer says that she’ll be able to have that view for a long time because he’s already put a deposit on the place. Heidi isn’t happy that he hadn’t discussed it with her. This is the exact same thing that happened when Heidi first moved in with him and he painted that awful mural on the wall and bought this huge arcade game without even asking her.

CUT TO: Lo, Stephanie, and Audrina are talking about Kristin coming into their lives. They’re not too happy about how things are going. Check out my spoof on this scene:

Click here to view it in high-def and be sure to read the captions as well.

DIRECTOR’S NOTE (Donovan):
We learned a lot from filming this first spoof. 1) We need to use a tripod 2) Patrick needs make-up and 3) That black wig is nasty. Hope you enjoyed the first spoof Patrick and I did. It went pretty well considering our guerilla budget. If you have any feedback, we’d love to hear it.

CUT BACK TO: Kristin & Justin Bobby. Kristin says she’s a Capricorn and is stubborn. “I have the best bed”, she says. “Quit inviting me,” JB responds. “You gotta break that thing in some day.” Kristin then replies (with a big grin on her face),”That’s what I was thinking.”

Wow. Loved this episode. The preview for future episodes is amazing though. Kristin says she still has a thing for BRODY! Then Jade obviously flips out and in one scene she throws a drink in Kristin’s face, and Brody tries to get her to chill out but she is absolutely livid. Bring on the catfights!

Gotta love The Aftershow with Jessi and Dan too. I loved the disclaimer they had before it started:

Rated R for Raging Bitch. It may contain candid discussions featuring coarse language, cat fights and Stephanie Pratt. Viewer discretion and hiding your boyfriend is advised.

See you next week for my next recap and spoof for next week’s episode!

  • princesscowboy
  • Adam

    Patrick, I can see where all those years of professional training have brought you and it’s to ugly town 😉 x

  • I’m so glad we bought the wigs in Seattle. Though, I might have to intervene soon because you have an unhealthy fascination with the blonde wig. Just saying…

  • Adam

    The best part is that you guys bought the wigs just to wear day-to-day… but now you’re even getting homorazzi use out them …? icing on the cake 😉 hehehe

  • BJ

    You need to look at the previews for next week, somehow it is LC that is hit in the face with drink Jade throws.