Can we talk about how this was the best episode The Hills has seen in a long time? That was awesome – and right off the bat too!

It starts with Lo & Stephanie having lunch. We know what this means! Gossip & setting the stage for drama! Love it! Stephanie comes right out and says “I’m only 23 and I’ve been to jail twice.” Wow – they’re actually talking about some real things that have happened! Then Lo sets the stage for the episode. The whole crew is heading to Miami for the Superbowl! That is, everyone except for Heidi & Spencer… Which reminds me, Lo also fills Stephanie in on Heidi’s crazy plastic surgeries: “Eyebrow lift, ears pinned back, nose job, chin job, boob job, butt job!” says Lo.

Cut to Heidi & Spencer’s place where Heidi is packing her bags for a trip back home to Crested Butte, Colorado, which Spencer doesn’t support. Heidi hasn’t seen her mom (Darlene) since the wedding…which also means Heidi’s mom hasn’t seen what her daughter looks like now (I mean other than in the tabloids). This whole scene was shot as if Heidi was the Hunchback of Notre Dame or some other monster of sorts, with her face not being shown once. Awesome.

Cut to Miami beach with the rest of the drama queens (and kings). They’re buzzing around on some seadoos, chilling on the beach, & soaking up the sun. Stephanie tells Lo that Kristin isn’t really talking to her, so it’s a bit awkward. They also discuss all the time Brody and Audrina are spending together…and cross their fingers they won’t hook up.

Replace the sand with snow, and now we’re in Crested Butte, CO. The scene beings with some of Darlene’s pictures of Heidi when she was younger – you know, to remind us of what she looked like before she became Heidi 3.0. As Heidi, comes with her sis, Darlene is visibly shocked by how Heidi looks. They sit down on the couch to catch up. Shortly into the conversation, Heidi’s mom sheds a few tears, hurt by what her daughter has done to herself. After a bit of a back & forth discussing the surgery, Darlene brings Heidi to tears for giving her such a hard time about her choices and for telling her she was more beautiful before all the surgery.

SPOOF OF SCENE WITH HEIDI & HER MOM

Favorite Soundbites from this scene:

MOM: I can hardly hear you, why are you talking so soft?
HEIDI:My jaw is kinda locked up.

HEIDI:I had my nose redone. I had my own fat injected into my cheeks.I had my ears pinned back. I had injections in my lips. I had my chin shaved down. Um, I had my breasts redone and my back shaped and I had a little bit of inner and outer lipo done.
MOM: You risked your life to do the things that you did.
HEIDI: Mom, there’s brain surgery every day.
MOM: You had an elected surgery, that was completely unnecessary
HEIDI:To you, it was unnecessary!

HEIDI:are you telling me that you don’t think i look good?
MOM: Maybe you should rephrase the question.

Alrighty, back to the beach. They’re all are out partying at the Maxim Superbowl Party, and Brody happens to be pretty damn flirtatious with Audrina. I don’t blame him – she’s got a pretty great beach body! Well, of course Kristin’s not happy about it, but at least Audrina and the girls leave before anything were to happen. Except for Kristin. She’s not done partying.

Time for girl talk, hangover edition. They’re all up talking about their night, with Kristin saying (with an incredibly hoarse voice) that she got home at 5:00am. They all agree they should do something mellow tonight, perhaps something in the hotel.

Back to Colorado, the Montag family is out for dinner at the Timberline Restaurant. Heidi breaks down after her mom makes too many remarks about Heidi’s surgery and her not being able to chew her food (do you want me to put your burger in a blender for you?) The next day she leaves.

Back at the hotel, Stephanie, Audrina, and Lo are waiting around for Kristin, but it looks like they’ve been given the shaft. Lo suggest that Kristin is doing drugs, given her all nighters and blood shot eyes.

Meanwhile, Kristin IS actually out getting hammered….shot in one hand, drink in the other.

The girls wake up Kristin, informing her that it’s time to go to airport. Two girls leave Kristin’s bed…WTF? Lesbo action? (Na, Kristin clears up in the MTV Aftershow that those are her friends Tiffany and Chelsea). Anyway, as Kristin scrambles to get her stuff together (whilst wearing her shades), the girls are whispered about their cracked out friends. Eventually, Kristin calls them on it, and they end up telling her that there are rumors going around that she’s doing drugs. K-Dawg’s not impressed and they all head for the airport with some huge tension between them.

First episode = success! Sounds like a great start to episode two!

Songs Featured During This Episode:

  • “Eenie Meenie” – Sean Kingston Justin Bieber
  • “Shut It Down” – Pitbull featuring Akon
  • “Not Now” – Little Boots
  • “Dancing With Tears in My Eyes” – Kesha

Also, check out this hilarious video of kids interpreting The Hills…Brilliant!