Survivor Heroes vs Villains Episode 1: “I’m a Gangster in an Oprah Suit”

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Here we go folks… it’s time for another round of Survivor and I’m super stoked. Twenty of the most notorious, hated, loved, and infamous (Danielle and Candice aside… WTF are they doing here anyways) survivors of all time are back. We’ve known who was coming since the spoilers got out in August, but now we get to see them in action. How will Boston Rob deal with Evil Russell? Can Cirie charm her way past Colby? Will America finally see past the tie dye shirts and recognize the douche that is Rupert? How long will we have to endure Coach and his delusions of grandeur? God I hope Parvati eats Coach for breakfast.

As we all know, we’re back in Samoa for this season. Jeff Probst gives us an epic voiceover about rivals and warriors and battles etc… the perfect setting for Survivor’s biggest showdown yet. Cue the helicopters! The game is on!

Rupert of course gets the first confessional claiming good will win. Russell then argues villains are smarter. I might just have to agree with Russell on this one. Once the helicopters land, the twenty all stars are already in their tribes. Playing for the Jedi are Cirie (who gave us the quote of the week in the first two minutes), Stephenie, Sugar, Candice, Amanda, Tom, Colby, JT, James, and Rupert. Up to bat for Team Sith are Boston Rob, Coach, Tyson, Randy, Russell, Danielle, Parvati, Jerri, Sandra, and Courtney.

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Before we actually get to the game, Jeff quizzes the survivors about their pasts and what they’ve learned. Jerri’s the only villain who actually believes she’s on the right tribe. I actually think Cirie is on the wrong tribe. I love her, but the way she plays is much more like the villains. Tom tells Jeff that it doesn’t matter… no one is going to play the same way twice. Boston Rob then starts talking smack. With that, it’s time for the first reward challenge. Winner gets flint.

It’s the old buried sandbag challenge. Two members of each tribe have to duke it out four-gy style and drag the sandbags back to their sides. It’s like tackle capture the flag with some mad wrestling. This shit gets violent fast! Right after the first round Stephenie’s dislocated her shoulder!!! Holy shit. Danielle and Parvati totally took her out. Medical comes in and pops it back into place. She then uses her buff as a sling and stays in the game.

As the challenge went one, Rupert broke his toe, Coach humped Colby, and Sandra undid Sugar’s top. Awesome. Ultimately, the Heroes won 3 to 2 and get the flint.

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Once the tribes get to their camps, the strategizing begins as they all try and set up camp. Russell immediately begins hitting up the girls AGAIN. Danielle was his first target. Alliance count… 1. The he goes to Parvati. Alliance count… 2. Parvati is too awesome though. She immediately turns to the camera and tells us she knows Russell is telling everyone the same thing. Love her. She then says she doesn’t want to work against him and will therefore work with him because he is such an incredible force. This makes me think they all got to see some footage of Russell in action before the game started. That makes me happy.

Over on the Heroes tribe, Colby is looking super sexy and three chickens just happen to wander into camp. Shut up. They use the net and catch them. You have GOT to be kidding. Kimmi and Shambo would be livid! The Heroes are all working well, but unlike the villains… no alliance talk yet.

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Back at Camp Sith, Jerri and Coach seem to be bonding. Odd. Russell and Parvati are totally encouraging it too. Ewww. A Jerri/Coach love connection would be heinous! The Black Widow and the Dragon Slayer. Ack! They may not be in love, but we know our alliance count is 3.

Not to be outdone, JT and James over at the Jedi Temple quickly team up. Alliance count…4. Out in the bush Candice and Colby get down to business… not the hot and sweaty kind… the sneaky strategic kind. They see a lot of natural pairings around them from past seasons that could exclude them. They then team up. Alliance count… 5. Cirie and Amanda worry about being targeted because they have played together before. Not sure if that’s an official alliance or not. Tom and Stephenie, who also played together, pair up. Alliance count… 6. Tom, however, doesn’t want to go all the way with Stephenie. He needs someone at the end who has also won the million. Cue JT. Alliance count… 7. Too bad it seems like JT is convinced to play this season like a villain. He’s going to make as many alliances as he can.

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After that whirlwind, we’re back with the Sith Lords and Boston Rob fretting about their energy level. No fire means no water. They need energy so they can win the challenge. Randy poos poos the whole attempt at making fire, but Boston Rob prevails! They made fire without flint! Holy shit. Bamboo and coconut husk. Amazing. Go Boston Rob! Even Coach is in awe. He even said “bromance”. LOLs.

During the second night, Sugar tried flirting with Colby but he was having none of it. All she ended up doing was annoying the whole tribe. Uh oh. It’s the first sign of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, tree mail finally arrives. It’s time for the immunity challenge! It’s one of those classic race and puzzle challenges. They need to piece together a boat, paddle, get back to the beach, use the boat planks to make a ladder, and then solve a puzzle. The Heroes got out to an early lead in the boat, but the villains surged ahead as Sandra and Rob rocked the puzzle. Villains win the first immunity challenge!

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With the challenge done, the MAD scramble starts back at the Jedi Temple. Colby immediately sets his big manly guns on Sugar. She’s weak and she won’t be missed. Sugar’s got her own idea though. She targets Amanda because she was also on puzzle duty and sucked. Plus, she’s too close to Cirie and James. Too bad EVERYONE else is saying Sugar. That is until Tom throws out Cirie’s name. She’s too much of a threat to get a free pass. JT also says Cirie has to go ASAP. But Cirie has different plans. She wants Stephenie gone. She’s too close to Tom and it only helps her to keep Sugar because she likes having people weaker than her around. Amanda hums and haws… but says she and Cirie are out for blood. Alliance count… 8. The target is clearly on Sugar, but will one of the bigger targets get blindsided?

At Tribal Council, Jeff probes (get it) the Heroes about the importance of prior relationships. Tom downplays them, but Sugar doesn’t buy his speech. Probst then asks what role past success has. Amanda points out that she’s come second twice but blows it at final tribals. So what is success? Besides, there’s two winners on the tribe. Jeff then actually singles out Cirie and her threat level. Cirie says everyone is a threat. Candice shows some shrewd game play with some clever non answers and then we’re voting.

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The editors didn’t show us any of the votes which is a pretty clear indication that Sugar’s flame is gonna get snuffed. Yup. 9-1. She’s out. Amanda got the other vote.

Next week, Rob passes out and Jerri finds him in the jungle. Uh oh. Black Widow on the prowl!

  • Robyn

    Great recap, Rich! This was such a good episode. So many incredible moments: Stephanie’s dislocated shoulder…she is so effing hard core. Coach frog walking/humping Colby in an amazing homoerotic challenge. Coach and Jerri eyeing each other up… ewww. Coach practically licking Boston Rob like a puppy. Sugar trying to snuggle up to Colby, he has none of it and she wakes everyone up, thus deserving to be voted off. AND how effing good does Colby look? Damn.

  • MaryFran

    I agree. Great recap and I agree with almost every opinion of yours ( which I rarely do with anyone lol). The language did get a little off color for me but….hey it’s America! I want to know if anyone can tell me what happened to Boston Rob? I sure hate to have to wait until Thursday to find out!!! I mean, where are the spoilers??? It’s gonna be a great season!

  • Anthony

    Interesting tidbit… I’m pretty sure that Sugar’s vote against Amanda was the first vote EVER against Amanda in two full Survivor seasons… pretty impressive considering she has made it to the finals both times.

    Also, Colby is looking good, but JT is a total cutie.

  • Marie

    what happen to Richard hatch – I thought he was on the pre show and was going to come back? My dad wants to know I do not follow the show so i am clueless.

  • Hatch was asked but he was denied for legal reasons. He was put in jail for failing to pay taxes after winning Survivor 1. He’s out now, but the parole folk wouldn’t let him leave the country.