WARNING! This article may contain major spoilers and plot points for you poor unfortunate souls who have not indulged in the magnificence of the Twilight Saga or been seduced by the splendor of True Blood. After months of indifference towards these pop culture phenoms, I finally succumbed to the vampire call this summer. And boy do I need to talk about some stupid girls!
My summer of vampires and needy pseudo super-powered human girls began early in July. I finally picked up Twilight after watching my boyfriend plough through the first two books. 18 days and a few thousand pages later (I was on holiday!) I had read all four of Stephenie Meyer’s books. Crazy, I know. And then the bf and I got our hands on the first season and a half of HBO’s True Blood. I think we got through all the eps in less than a week. Now we stalk Vuze every Monday for the latest episode. Once they’re all done, I might just turn to Christine Harris’ series of books the show is based on- The Southern Vampire Mysteries. So what is it about these vamps and their whores… I mean damsels in distress… that has me so hooked? And deep down, am I a Sookie or a Bella. Oh god. I hope neither.
Let’s answer the first question first. Why did I get so hooked? Perhaps I was preconditioned by my undying (bad dum ching) love for Buffy and her complicated turn-the-guy-evil-when-you-have-sex-with-him-love for Angel. Perhaps I am a just boydamsel in distress who secretly wants secret powers while pining for the too hot but actually really cold dead man. Ok. Never mind. This psycho babble sucks. Who cares? It’s just trashy entertainment and there is nothing I love more than trashy, but smart, entertainment.
Let’s get two complaints out the way right off the bat. The Twilight novels actually managed to drive me insane sometimes. I would skip entire pages because Bella would not shut up with her oh-so-annoyingly-needy-self-loathing-teen-girl bullshit. Edward, Edward, Edward… blah blah blah. But then there’s True Blood and its absolutely heinous portrayal of all things Louisiana. I know it is fiction and all, but that place has got a serious public relations problem. Watch this show and you will NEVER want to go there. What I love about True Blood, compared to G-Rated Twilight, is the unabashed sexuality and vulgar humour. Twilight, on the other hand, develops a richer mythology.
Oddly enough, both epic tales centre on two young small town girls with exactly opposite supernatural abilities. Sookie is a telepath who can read the minds of mortals, but is blocked from her lover Bill’s vampire mind. Part of Bill’s irresistibility is that she can’t hear his thoughts. On the flip side, Bella is the only human her telepathic dead soul mate Edward can’t “hear”. Edward is drawn to her for the very same reason Sookie is drawn to Bill. I’m not sure what the full extent of Sookie’s powers will be, but any vamp with any power really wants to know. Same goes for Bella. And by the time Bella is finally (OMG could that have been drawn out any longer!) turned, her power manifests into a super psychic shield neutering the pesky Volturi.
They may be powerful, but damn if they’re not the dumbest heroines ever. Sookie’s always running into houses full of vengeful evangelists, immortal orgy loving cannibals or trampy vampires who prefer unbottled blood. Then there’s Bella who’s busy crashing motorcycles, jumping off cliffs, confronting rapists, offering herself up as bait and yelling at hormonal teen wolves. WTF. Ladies, get your shit together.
So far, it’s a tie. They both know how to dangle their damsel selves in distress. Where Sookie starts to pull away is in the love department. She doesn’t take any shit from Bill. She’s got some balls… for a girl who likes to serve as a beverage during sex that is. Bella just mopes and whines and cries and whimpers and frets and obsesses whenever there is love drama. I do have to give her props though for taking care of good ol’ dad Charlie. That Sookie chick let good ol’ Gran get sliced by a serial killer. Where was the mind reading!
Sookie scores in the human BFF department. Lafayette and Tara are the shit. I don’t even remember the losers from Forks. Bella wins the superhuman unrequited love fight though. Jacob Black would rip Sam Merlotte a new one. Sookie strikes back with a brother who is nothing but sex on a stick. Bella gets points for picking a vampire who sparkles in the sun instead of one whose skin melts off. I also gotta give it to Bella for surviving her own hybrid baby trying to eat its way out of her. That was rough. Sookie’s brush with ancient Greek horned bull venom does not compare.
In the end though, I cannot forgive Bella’s sniveling through three and half books. Sookie wins.
However, after much soul searching, the problem I have with both of them is that they’re with the wrong guys. There. I said it. I hate Edward Cullen and I can’t stand the way Bill Compton says “Sookie”. As far as Twilight goes, I’m on Team Jacob. With True Blood, Sookie needs to dump Bill and shack it up with Erik. Even better, Jacob and Erik should just get it on. Enough of these girls.