Sookie Stackhouse or Bella Swan? Whose Team Are You On?

sookie-stackhouse-vs-bella-swan

WARNING! This article may contain major spoilers and plot points for you poor unfortunate souls who have not indulged in the magnificence of the Twilight Saga or been seduced by the splendor of True Blood. After months of indifference towards these pop culture phenoms, I finally succumbed to the vampire call this summer. And boy do I need to talk about some stupid girls!

My summer of vampires and needy pseudo super-powered human girls began early in July. I finally picked up Twilight after watching my boyfriend plough through the first two books. 18 days and a few thousand pages later (I was on holiday!) I had read all four of Stephenie Meyer’s books. Crazy, I know. And then the bf and I got our hands on the first season and a half of HBO’s True Blood. I think we got through all the eps in less than a week. Now we stalk Vuze every Monday for the latest episode. Once they’re all done, I might just turn to Christine Harris’ series of books the show is based on- The Southern Vampire Mysteries. So what is it about these vamps and their whores… I mean damsels in distress… that has me so hooked? And deep down, am I a Sookie or a Bella. Oh god. I hope neither.

Let’s answer the first question first. Why did I get so hooked? Perhaps I was preconditioned by my undying (bad dum ching) love for Buffy and her complicated turn-the-guy-evil-when-you-have-sex-with-him-love for Angel. Perhaps I am a just boydamsel in distress who secretly wants secret powers while pining for the too hot but actually really cold dead man. Ok. Never mind. This psycho babble sucks. Who cares? It’s just trashy entertainment and there is nothing I love more than trashy, but smart, entertainment.


Let’s get two complaints out the way right off the bat. The Twilight novels actually managed to drive me insane sometimes. I would skip entire pages because Bella would not shut up with her oh-so-annoyingly-needy-self-loathing-teen-girl bullshit. Edward, Edward, Edward… blah blah blah. But then there’s True Blood and its absolutely heinous portrayal of all things Louisiana. I know it is fiction and all, but that place has got a serious public relations problem. Watch this show and you will NEVER want to go there. What I love about True Blood, compared to G-Rated Twilight, is the unabashed sexuality and vulgar humour. Twilight, on the other hand, develops a richer mythology.

Vampire Heroines: Whose Team Are You On?

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Oddly enough, both epic tales centre on two young small town girls with exactly opposite supernatural abilities. Sookie is a telepath who can read the minds of mortals, but is blocked from her lover Bill’s vampire mind. Part of Bill’s irresistibility is that she can’t hear his thoughts. On the flip side, Bella is the only human her telepathic dead soul mate Edward can’t “hear”. Edward is drawn to her for the very same reason Sookie is drawn to Bill. I’m not sure what the full extent of Sookie’s powers will be, but any vamp with any power really wants to know. Same goes for Bella. And by the time Bella is finally (OMG could that have been drawn out any longer!) turned, her power manifests into a super psychic shield neutering the pesky Volturi.

They may be powerful, but damn if they’re not the dumbest heroines ever. Sookie’s always running into houses full of vengeful evangelists, immortal orgy loving cannibals or trampy vampires who prefer unbottled blood. Then there’s Bella who’s busy crashing motorcycles, jumping off cliffs, confronting rapists, offering herself up as bait and yelling at hormonal teen wolves. WTF. Ladies, get your shit together.

So far, it’s a tie. They both know how to dangle their damsel selves in distress. Where Sookie starts to pull away is in the love department. She doesn’t take any shit from Bill. She’s got some balls… for a girl who likes to serve as a beverage during sex that is. Bella just mopes and whines and cries and whimpers and frets and obsesses whenever there is love drama. I do have to give her props though for taking care of good ol’ dad Charlie. That Sookie chick let good ol’ Gran get sliced by a serial killer. Where was the mind reading!

Sookie scores in the human BFF department. Lafayette and Tara are the shit. I don’t even remember the losers from Forks. Bella wins the superhuman unrequited love fight though. Jacob Black would rip Sam Merlotte a new one. Sookie strikes back with a brother who is nothing but sex on a stick. Bella gets points for picking a vampire who sparkles in the sun instead of one whose skin melts off. I also gotta give it to Bella for surviving her own hybrid baby trying to eat its way out of her. That was rough. Sookie’s brush with ancient Greek horned bull venom does not compare.

In the end though, I cannot forgive Bella’s sniveling through three and half books. Sookie wins.

However, after much soul searching, the problem I have with both of them is that they’re with the wrong guys. There. I said it. I hate Edward Cullen and I can’t stand the way Bill Compton says “Sookie”. As far as Twilight goes, I’m on Team Jacob. With True Blood, Sookie needs to dump Bill and shack it up with Erik. Even better, Jacob and Erik should just get it on. Enough of these girls.

  • On the last episode when the queen asked if Bill and Eric wanted to be alone to have sex? Oh god, the fan fiction that must have burst forth from THAT 😛
    Ps. it’s sookie all the way… not even a questions. Sure she’s brazen but she isn’t gonna cry if she gets killed- she knows what she’s getting into… after being attacked by the “wolf creature” she got over it pretty damn quick. plus her new powers?? yikes… eat it bella.

  • Elyce Huyton

    You really should read the Sookie novels…I’ve read all 9 so far and they are so good….I’m obbsessed with the show too but the books as usual are way better….also with the show they’ve made Tara Sookie’s best friend when in the books she’s really just a background character….If you get a chance you’ll like these books better then twilight…they’re actually made for adults as twilight is made for teens.

  • Robyn

    Elyce, you hit it right…
    The Twilight series, while compelling, is written for teen girls (explains the pages and pages of teen girl angst) and the Sookie Stackhouse series is written for adults (explains the raunch and humour). HBO is TV for intelligent grown ups.

    Sookie, hands down… oh and Eric over Edward.

    Great article Rich. It had to be said.

  • Harlequin

    Buffy Summers over all of them. :O I mean, at least Buffy had sizzle.

  • Renee

    Sookie Stackhouse, hands down. As a fan of the books, of course I’m going to say they are so much better than the show (because, well, they are better!), but even with the storyline being canna-Ball-ized by Alan Ball, I have to admit, I’m hooked on the HBO series (or “bitten by” as the case may be).

    In the books, Sookie is a take-no-shit kind of gal who doesn’t sacrifice herself for relationships with men (translate: vampires, shapeshifters, werewolves, werepanthers, weretigers, and more vampires) who do not put her first. And all she really wants for Christmas is to go a few days without getting the crap beat out of her.

    I hope Alan Ball introduces fans of the TV series to Claudia and Claude (fairy twins) who watch over Sookie like fairy godmothers (in a shallow, superficial, OMG they’re so beautiful to look at they make me want to go blind kind of way — oh, and they’re blood is highly addictive to vampires bonus.) *You find out in book 8 why they’ve been tasked with looking out for her, so I won’t give it away.

    Of course, if you want a real tough cookie who has supernatural powers beyond Bella and Sookie, I recommend Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake, over-sexed vampire hunter/ necromancer/ enforcer for the lycans/ human servant to a master vampire/ nimir-ra to the wereleopards/ expert in weapons and hand to hand combat/ best-friend of Death aka Edward the assassin… and well, the list is longer, but I won’t go on.

    Still, Sookie beats Bella hands down any day of the week. (Which is all I meant to say.)