Marry, F-ck, Bitch Slap: The Jonas Brothers

One of the drinking games my group of friends and I, love to play is “Marry, F-ck, Kill“. A person gives three names and then we go around the circle and each person says who they would marry, have sex with and want to kill. Since killing is a little harsh, I thought I’d modify it for the web to the more PC and funnier, bitch slapping. It’s my little gay twist on the game.

So for my inaugural Marry, F-ck, Bitch Slap post, I chose the tween pop group- The Jonas Brothers. Since they’re all legal now, what better trio to kick things off. To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t name a song of theirs if my life depended on it. A couple years ago, Topher’s friend got us free tickets to the concert and could only stomach a couple of tracks before we left. We showed up mostly just to see Jordin Sparks who was the opening act. So without further ado, let’s take a closer look at the three musical brothers.

Visual Aids

Nick Jonas (18)

The youngest of the three just turned 18 last September and not a minute too soon. Look at that juicy bubble butt of his. It’s so perky. Jonas has been romantically linked to Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez. Nick formed a new band, Nick Jonas & the Administration, while the Jonas Brothers is on hiatus.

Joe Jonas (21)

The Jan Brady of the bunch, Joe Jonas has been doing cameos on American Idol and “Hot In Cleveland”, while the group takes a break. He’s the male slut out of the three brothers. A few of the ladies he’s dated are AJ Michalka, Taylor Swift, Camilla Belle, Demi Lovato and most recently Ashley Greene. The Twilight star and him just broke up this month. Looks like someone’s on the prowl again.

Kevin Jonas (23)

The elder of the family musical act, Kevin Jonas aka K2 (don’t ask) is the only brother married. He met his future wife Danielle Delesea in the Bahamas in 2007 and the two got hitched in 2009. In 2008, he appeared on People magazine’s list of the Sexiest Men Alive.


Marry: Joe Jonas because he seems to be the marrying type and least likely to cheat.

F-ck: Nick Jonas. Have you seen that butt of his? The things I would do to that… well, you get the picture.

Bitch Slap: Easily Joe Jonas. There’s something about him that just annoys me. He’s cute and has a decent body, but he gives off an air of douchiness.

I’ve made my picks, now it’s your turn to chose. Tell me who you’d Marry, F-ck, and Bitch Slap below.

  • Jordan

    – I would marry Nick Jonas (I’d be able to fuck him 365 days a year that way)
    – I would fuck Kevin Jonas
    – I would bitch slap Joe Jonas

  • Slade

    – I would Marry Nick Jonas (he seems the sweetest and the most lovable and romantic)
    – I would hella fuck joe jonas
    – I would bitch slap kevin cuz he is he one left over!

  • R

    Marry Kevin
    Slap Nick cause I want Joe

  • Aaron

    love this segment…

    marry- nick
    fuck- joe
    slap- kevin

  • I Love Me Some JoBro!

    — I’d most likely marry Nick, because he seems to be the most romantic of the three; and in that way, it’ll be legal for me to fuck him all day, everyday. Just the thought of it makes my mouth water already.

    — I’d definitely fuck Joe. I want me some hardcore fucking with a man in a black tank top.

    — I’d bitch-slap Kevin anytime, for being the least hot of the three brothers. He’s just blah!

  • Brent

    I’m gonna go with your picks.

    Marry Joe. (He seems like he’d be the best in bed as well as the marrying type.)
    Fuck Nick. (That ass is amazing, but I get the impression he’s a one-trick pony. Wink wink.)
    Bitch slap Kevin. (His face annoys me.)

  • Hey Donovan, you know you listed Joe twice eh?

  • Darren

    Marry- Nick. He’s cute seems sweet. amazing butt. to me he seems like the marrying type.

    F-ck-Joe. He’s uber hot. he looks like he’s reeaaally good in bed. and to me, doesn’t seem like the marrying type, he looks like a player.

    B*tch-Slap-Kevin. He’s the ugly brother. The reason i can’t say the Jonas Brothers are hot is because that would mean i was calling Kevin Jonas hot which couldn’t be any further from the truth.

  • AaronKate

    Marry – Nick Jonas
    F-ck – Joe Jonas
    B*tch-Slap – Kevin Jonas

    ps. you repeated yourself, you said joe jonas twice

  • AaronKate

    Marry – Nick Jonas. He looks like the type to marry. So sweet and kind and ALWAYS so polite. love him

    F-ck – Joe Jonas. He just looks hot even though he has some kind of dork thing to him I like it and I find it hot. I want him to rape him ha!

    B*tch-Slap – Kevin Jonas. He’s just annoying sometimes but I’d like to try him in bed just see if it’s good. Oh no I just remember she snores

  • Calan

    Merry Nick – so sexy and innocent
    F*ck Joe – it’s in the facts, he can’t hold a relationship and it’s always looking for something new and fun, aka me for one AWESOME night.
    Slap Kevin – that hair!? Nuff said

  • gad1n10

    Marry Nick…
    Invite Joe over to join us from time-to-time…
    BitchSlap Kevin and make him hold the camera and act as fluffer!

  • Steve-O

    Right on the money Donovan,

    Def want a go at Nicks bubble butt after that pic
    Joe would have to marry him in order to get my fill
    And yes Kev soooo annoys me!!!!

  • topher

    Please don’t put on the internet that I went to a Jonas Bros. concert 😛

  • Cal

    I’m sorry but I am not willing to marry any of them (I’m kind of anti-Jonas), but I’d fuck Joe (with the haircut and the scruffy face of course) and slap the rest 😉

  • Trip

    you ‘married’ AND ‘bitch slapped’ Joe and ignored Kevin.

  • ben

    Marry – Kevin & Nick
    Fuck – All three
    bitch slap – Joe

    (And to the rumour ages ago bout one of them being gay i reckon its joe cause kevin is married, nick is dating our aussie artist delta goodrem, and joe has been photographed with women but hasnt really had any relationships with them)

  • david

    Jonas Brothers!

    You Will never Read this!

    But You Had A Unique Sound before you joined disney,

    You went for the $$ not the love of your Music!!

    Your band finally found a unique sound, and then sold out!!

    You had long lived success, with true love to what style music you loved and stopped?????

    You will never find that again!!

    I liked the band you were before disney.

    Soo did you!

    Now you want it back! Money does nothing!

    Your True love/sound/love, etc., is left behind!

    This shows in you latest ventures, and you could have been next Beatles, Stones, Jonas Brothers For real!!

    No matter how hard you try you can’t go back!!

    This going back shows in your current songs, you had the unique sound but did believe in yourselves??

    You may Never Read This, I hope you do and can find your past where you left off and start again, because this is really you!!

    I have seen your situation too many times! Fade away band, ok if only want one hit wonder, but not if you love what you do!!!

    Please send to Jonas brothers!

    This what they seek but can’t find again!!

    [email protected] email me if you ever get this message?????

  • Marry = Nick (cuz he’s the cutest one!)
    Fuck = Joe (by default)
    Bitch Slap = Kevin (he’s already married!)

  • Sebastian

    i think joe jonas is so fucking hot and i would so want him to fuck men and i would love to blow him so,,
    Marry – Nick is extremely hot too but would rather marry him
    Fuck- Joe , I already explained
    Bitch Slap – Kevin since he is leftover

  • Kelli

    Id marry Nick and have sex with the other two. Instead of bitch slapping id slowly remove Joe’s pants and spank that ass then lick coz you know he’s done something bad.

  • Slade

    Marry- Nice
    Fuck- Joe
    Bitch Slap- Kevin

  • Danny

    I would: Marry Joe, fuck Nick and bitch slap, well much rather kill, Kevin 🙂 Oh! And I would only marry Joe to be able to fuck him on a daily basis.

  • Sophie

    Marry- Nick
    Fuck- Nick
    Bitch Slap- Nick