5 Guys Everyone Finds Smokin’ Hot… BUT Me

I’ve been planning on this post for a while, but after Ryan Reynolds was named “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine, I knew the timing was now. While I’d have to be blind to not recognize he has one hot body, I just don’t get the outpouring of love for the guy. He’s funny enough, and has sexy abs, but he just doesn’t do it for me. To me he’ll always be that dork from ABC’s “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place“.

When I decided to do this post, I knew this would be probably my most controversial. Let’s face it, I don’t attract strong opinions with most of my posts unlike Adam or Tommy. I really don’t think my posts about Nicki Minaj, “The A-List: New York” or black supermodels illicit strong feelings, but that’s all about to change. I’m sure a few of my selections will have people asking for my gay card back.

Before I get to the list, let me preface this by saying I do admit they are genetically good-looking and probably wouldn’t say “no” if any of them wanted a little somethin’ somethin’, but these following five would probably never make it on my laminated list. I’d sooner fill that up with a selection from my weekly crushes or my male model features. Without further ado, on to the list.

Zac Efron

Maybe it’s because I’m not a tween girl or Johnny (lol), but Zac Efron doesn’t turn my crank. There’s just something about him, that’s very non-sexual to me. It’s a shame though, since I love “High School Musical” and “Hairspray“. If gay sites were calling dibs on male celebs, Perez Hilton can have him. Currently he’s filming “The Lucky One” which is expected to hit theaters in 2012.

Chris Pine

Out of everyone on this list, I am 100% certain this one will having people going WTF. Anyone I had polled before writing this post, thought I was insane to include him. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never seen “Star Trek“, but Chris Pine doesn’t send me out-of-this-world. I will say though, he has UH-MAZING eyes. I think my indifference for him comes from the first time I saw him in that tragic Lindsay Lohan movie, “Just My Luck“. Trust me, watching that movie wasn’t by choice but an occupational hazard of working for a teen online magazine. As much as I don’t get weak in the knees for him, I still highly recommend watching “Unstoppable“. It’s a fantastic action thriller.

Johnny Depp

Even back in the day, when Johnny Depp had legions of girls going ga-ga in “21 Jump Street“, I was flicking the channels looking for someone else to crush on. There’s just something about him that screams “I stink“. In addition, he strikes me as someone who would bore me with their pretentious views on world politics during post-coital talk. No bueno. So while he has the entire world snowed with his Don Juan De Marco persona, I am thankfully immune to his powers and can focus my lust on someone else. Depp has a few films down the pipeline including “The Tourist” (2010), “The Rum Diary” (2011), “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” (2011) and “Dark Shadows” (2012).

Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano has an ass I can bounce a quarter off on and abs I can do my laundry on, but I’d have to respectfully say “no gracias”. Sure, the whole MVP soccer thing he has going on is somewhat enticing and attractive, but it’s not enough to score the winning goal in my books. There are a lot of other players that I’d want to play balls with. I’m certain a lot of you out there, would like to give me a yellow card for this inclusion, but the heart doesn’t want, what the heart doesn’t want.

Robert Pattinson

When I first thought of this article, Robert Pattinson, was by far my first choice. I SIMPLY DON’T GET IT. He’s another one that looks like hasn’t taken a bath for a few months. Perhaps it’s the whole vampire thing that’s turned me off (I’m more of a werewolf guy), but the boy makes my blood run cold. I will say though I would die for his hair. I love how unruly and wild it can get. It looks carefree but you can totally tell he styled it that way.

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So there you have it boys and girls, my list of guys the world finds universally smokin’ hot but me. Whether or not, it’s previous roles that have turned me off, but these boys won’t find me stalking them anytime soon. Unless its for the site of course. LOL.

Which of these guys do you think I’m absolutely crazy for not finding sexy? Who do you find not “HOT” while all your friends do? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I’m sure you have a couple. Post them below.

  • Nicky

    Pattison does look a bit sticky at times, but he’s got amazing eyes and I just love a guy who’s not afraid to show some chesthair. Same applies to Ryan Reynolds, who has a bit of a dorky look sometimes, but hotdamn, that hairy super sexy bod of his, I just…well…sigh… The rest: we are in total agreement. Ronaldo looks like he’s extremely vain and selfabsorbed (total turnoff), Depp looks like he full of selfimportance and like he hasn’t seen soap in at least 2 months. Effron, hahahahah, please. Who likes girlyboys? I sure as hell don’t. With a little (more) makeup he could be a really really pretty girl. I need my men masculine, I’m sorry. Pine, yeah well. Boring…just boring. He’s a poor man’s Chris Evans. I’ll take Captain America over Captain Kirk any day of the week, mmmkay?

  • @Nicky. OMG you’re so right about Chris Pine being a poor man’s Chris Evans. I wish I had thought of that first.

  • ahmed al-khuzae

    i want to kick u in the balls for what u said about zac efron

    ,,but i tots agree with u about johny depp and edward collin

  • gad1n10

    I was surprised at Zac in Me & Orson Wells, but typically I don’t care for his ‘all made-up’ look. And as for his ‘enough hair for 3 people’… Dude… google supercuts or something!
    Deep was def a Hard-On maker in his 21 Jump Street days, and I like the ‘Pirates of’ movies, but beyond that…
    Ur Oh-So-Wrong about Ryan!
    Chris Pine – on the fence.
    Patterson – Right There With Ya!!!
    The other guy…

  • Paolo

    Yup, a definite WTF on Chris Pine. And I think Evans is the poor man’s Pine, not the other way around.

    I agree that Ryan Reynolds doesn’t really have that obvious, classic movie star good looks, but what makes it work for him is his dorky humor. Makes him endearing and unintimidating (until you see his body, that is)

    I get the reasoning for Depp too, for two reasons:
    1. Willy Wonka
    2. Mad Hatter

  • Pattinson and Depp don’t do it for me but the others do. I’ve always loved Zac and Chris and Ronaldo just has a good body. Period.

  • Kenny

    While I don’t agree on Pine, Ronaldo and Efron (he had to grow on me though), I somewhat understand why you would find the others rather unattractive.
    For me, the enigma is Kellan Lutz. I have yet to see one picture or movie in which I find him even remotely attractive.

  • Brent

    I actually agree with most of these, especially Depp. Never got that. Maybe I’m too young, never saw 21 Jump Street.

    Efron, I find hot, but I think after 10 minutes with him I would want to punch him in the face. In HSM1, the entire time, all I could think was “he’s about to burst into tears…any second now.”

    Pine, hot, seems like a great guy. Ya, I can see the Evans similarities, but still. I’d take either.

  • Anthony

    Sometimes I think to myself that Zac Efron really isn’t THAT attractive… and then I come across pictures of him and cannot seriously believe he looks THAT perfect. Efron is the kind of guy you want to see naked, but I wouldn’t waste a choice on a laminated card for him.

    I agree with Renolds — never got his rebirth as a sex symbol; Ronaldo — since it IS just the body and that’s really it. But my favourite choice you made is Johnny Depp…. I don’t find him even remotely attractive whatsoever but girls and guys alike go crazy over him… I will never, ever get it.

    However, I do have a little soft-spot for the coked-out look of Pattinson and I do love me some Chris Pine.

  • TG

    You are right about all of them – especially Ryan Reynolds. Blech!
    Just like everyone thinks Jennifer Aniston is a smokin’ hot babe. WTF??

  • Darren

    OMG! someone FINALLY SAID IT! thank you so much! lol i mean i wouldnt kick any of these guys out of bed, but if i had a choice to pick any celebrity to sleep with, these guys wouldnt be on my top 50…just sayin

  • ger

    I just can’t trust the judgement of someone who uses the phrase “further adieu” when it should be “further ado”.

    And I’m ancient so I’d still love a little Depp.

  • Steve-O

    YES I’M NOT ALONE…..can’t stand Depp…

    Watch “Blind Dating” and then you’ll feel all hot and sweaty for Chris Pine.

  • filipa

    well since Cristiano Ronaldo is Portuguese and not spanish you should change “no gracias” to “nao obrigado”
    From this group the ones i find most attractive are Chris Pine and Zac Efron but of course the #1 spot goes to Efron.
    My least favorite is Johnny Depp…don’t get me wrong, I absolity L-O-V-E his work, I think he’s an amazing actor but hes just not THAT hot like efron…

    But won’t you agree all with me that all these stars look hot on TV, movies and all that stuff, fine, but in real life if thwy werent famous would they still be hot w/o their stylists? i don’t know if everyone sees that but look at the candids they don’t know how to dress LOL!

  • @ger it’s how we roll up north in canada. adieu and not ado.

  • kodie

    i totally agree with errbody on this list. and i would also include Gerard Butler, i don’t get it! Good List Donovan!!

  • Marc Hoover

    Donovan I am not immune to YOUR powers. Your writing style cracks me up! Thanks
    Marc — Redding, California

  • Felipe

    Great list, completely agree with everything you said, especially Johnny Depp… dude is not attractive. He’s also just plain boring looking…

    @Filipa, good for you! The only reason I really wanted to post on here was to correct the spanish to portuguese. I’m portuguese myself and it drives me crazy when people lump us in with spanish speaking countries. Or assume Portuguese stars are hispanic.

    I’m looking at you Nelly Furtado fans.

  • gay person

    omg @ the person who said gerard butler isn’t hot…well everyones entitled to their opinions, but he’s defintiely no.1 on my laiminated list.

    as for the list, i def agree with robert pattison and ryan reynolds, but the rest are gorgeous–especially johnny depp and cristiano, are beauitful and sexy.

    and to the person who said would they look half as good as regular people with regular clothes–their face and charisma would still be there–still hot. also, hot outfits doesnt make an ugly person hot and vice versa.

    cheers.

  • Vitya McAntara

    Couldn’t agree more…

  • Bob

    I totally agree with you about every one except for Cristiano Ronaldo, but I like what you said.
    My friends find Cory Monteith from Glee really hot and I definitely do not. He actually is my least favorite part of the show!

  • Athan

    Disagree with Pine. Reynolds, kinda. He’s hot but NMT (not my type) I like a little body hair or facial scruff.

    All the rest agree 3838%

    And I was a Peter deluis and Richard grieco fan, never I to johnny. Someone also commented about jenny aniston. I think she’s 100% better then Angie. This isn’t even about the supposed rivalry between them. I’ve always thought angle was over rated in the hottest woman dept.

  • Mixen

    You’re spot on except for Ronaldo

  • DJ

    YES I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN’T FIND JOHNNY DEPP ATTRACTIVE!!!!!!! And for Ryan he is okay but he doesn’t excite me or lives up to the hype people give him for his looks. But I disagree with your opinion of Zac and Robert. Zac is one of those celebs that has looks that are borderline angelic. *sigh* And Robert with that hair looks awesome!

  • Jasna Leova

    I don’t get the Zach Efron thing either! He’s just too pretty..I think that’s a thing. I’m not saying he’s not good looking but he just doesn’t do it for me at all. Johnny Depp though..really?? Maybe not now as much..but 21 Jump Street?? What a cutie…

  • Moe Nwala

    omg we have the same exact taste in men. None-of the above I find attractive. I have a long list but honourable mentions goes towards: Bradley Copper, George Clooney, Leonardo Di Capreo, Eric Dane