robbery-jersey-shore

I know Donovan is cringing as I write this as he refuses to let me become “one of those non-stop Jersey quoting people”- and I love him for that- but I just had to for this article.

What is up with Vancouver gays and Robbery?? To establish this term for those not on board the latest and greatest in television reality-show tragedy, “robbery” is when you swoop in and take someone who’s been flirting with someone else. From what I understand it primarily occurs between friends, not just between complete strangers.

Recently, I’ve been hitting the Vancouver nightlife a bit more often as the trips down south have slowed some with the return of school, and as such I’ve been re-introducing myself to the Shakespearean-esque scene we live it: no joke, this place is either a comedy or a drama (nothin’ in between) and there are definitely some main characters due to the tininess of our homo-friendly city! Doing the normal circuit of Fountain Head, 1181, Odyssey, Numbers, Celebrities and the Pump Jack (good god not all in one night though), I’ve had the chance to see some grade-A robberies going on within our gay brotherhood… is nothing sacred anymore?

[Pause for laughter as you realize I'm the author of that "How To Cheat Well" article! Still, let me explain.]


Admittedly I am that guy who advised on the “art” of carrying on with a married man, but I do not condone betraying or hurting your friends knowingly. Before Rich calls me out on this, let me point out that while a thief may be okay with purloining from random houses, he could very well refuse to steal from his mother and that wouldn’t just be some bull “point of semantics”. Of course both stealing and cheating are “wrong” but having rules about it isn’t just blah. The same works for me as I put my friends and family on a level where I would not actively seek out to harm them by robbin’ their guy :P What I’m wondering is is if it’s just because of our slim-pickin’ size that the gays of Van seem to perform this tragic act more often or maybe we’re just bad gays?

In the recent past, I was semi-robbed by a close friend as he hooked up with a guy I had been serial dating (for brief stints over an embarrassing three year period). Knowing it was a bit skeesy, the fact was hidden from me for about a year, but, after numerous drinks, when finally revealed, I think I dealt with it pretty well. I was shocked at first: I liked the guy, dated him, he liked me, but, it was over. Realizing that, I got over the initial hurt pretty quickly and was able to laugh about it by the end of the night (thankfully, the “ex” in question was penile pencil-eraser in size so that somehow helped with the healing haha). Still, it wasn’t exactly the definition of cool. In this case, I do lay the blame on teeny-tiny van and its limited Davie street options as I know my friend well enough to appreciate he wasn’t being vindictive or indifferent. To those out-of-town readers out there, you would not believe the feeding frenzy that occurs when a new- and cute- boy arrives to stay. Fresh meat is received like chum to Jaws: the biggest and hungriest beast often wins and there’s gonna be some bloodshed!

However, let’s return to the true “The Situation” definition of robbery: mid-flirt stealing.

What is up Vancouver? This past Saturday I was first hand- don’t get me started- witness to a transgression against a close friend of mine in the form of hardcore robbering. As my friend was gettin’ close (tongue down throat close ;) with a boy that night, he was very interested to find out that the boy in question (his tongue included… and more of him) went home with a different guy instead… a friend of my friend’s in fact! Now, before you offer the easy plea of ignorance to the mid-night club-scene flirtation, the robber in this case not only witnessed the PDA but knew of the history between my friend and the boy… Call the cops Mary, we have ourselves a crime! Please, explain this to me! Unless you set up some “race to chase” with your friend at the beginning of the night, how do you think it’s okay to poke your friend’s “gurl”? In the past month I hooked up with a boy that had just come off from pseudo-dating a friend of mine and I was not only guilty as hell when I was informed of their history post-coitus, but a little disgusted as well! In the infamous words of Vinny: “How does my dick taste?” I kind of do believe in the aversion to sloppy seconds: it’s like making out with your friend!! Again though- after a respectable amount of time has passed- sometimes this city is too damn small and you gotta… taste your friend’s dick… vicariously speaking of course ;)

Still, you would think that as humans with a basal sense of right and wrong we’d develop some sort of allergy to knowingly hurt our loved ones…? My specific example aside, I’d argue that Vancouver is ripe with this behaviour as a night out, cruising at the clubs has become overly pressured and so overtly predatory that no longer does the adage: “If you love something, set it free and if it’s meant to be, they’ll come back to you” apply, cause bitch, if you even leave to pee mid-flirt, that boy will be in the hottie dancing next to you’s pants by the time you figure out how to turn on the women’s washroom’s faucet without actually touching the dirty-ass thing ;) Congrats if you think that won’t apply to you, but there’s always someone bigger, smarter and hornier waitin’ just around the corner, I guarantee it… BUT, I just think we ought to be safe from that concern with our FRIENDS!

Maybe I’m just livin’ in a dream world with my indignant little rant of consternation, but Bitch, Please! If Manhunt can have 18 pages of “guys looking” online at any one point, there’s got to be someone you can dirty up who isn’t currently making out with your bud. Right…?