gay-sex-tested-hiv-condom

How many times have we uttered those words into the ear of the gorgeous guy who caught our eye across the club… or signed off our final manhunt correspondence with this “last check” before you head to their’s? It’s the customary question most of us singles are trained to ask instinctively before the hotel room keys are exchanged or buzz codes are passed out. I think most of the time the words flow carelessly out of our mouths and we expect to hear “yup” in reply… but sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we’re told:
“Actually, I’m positive.”

What do you do then?

Having encountered this situation about 3 times in my few years as a sexually active gay man, it has made me realize that assuming an answer from the stud with the vodka soda is not at all a given. Don’t worry, this article is not going to turn into a “you need to realize that people with HIV and AIDS are out there and that it’s not just ‘on TV’ etc.” piece. Instead, I’m looking to discuss my experience with this situation and understand how others see it.

The first time I knowingly encountered a suitor with HIV, I definitely took a pause. How did I feel about that? What sudden judgments do I have of this guy? What does this change? Discussing the issue with a few friends at the time, I was shocked to hear the gamut of possible responses. Some didn’t blink an eye, some had huge reservations, some had specific “rules of engagement,” and truthfully, some just straight up said “no”. I do believe this is- like all sexual decisions- a personal one and not to be considered “wrong” or “right” but rather viewed with open mind.

My “decision” in my first experience has remained the same throughout the years: yes to dating and sleeping together but anal sex would have to wait. It’s well-known on the site that I weekly volunteer for a wellness centre in the West End that works with people with terminal diseases, and for the men who come in that means HIV and AIDS about 90% of the time. Therefore my knowledge and awareness of the illness is pretty damn current and is given a hundred names and personalities- as oppose to some faceless disease you only ever read about. For that reason- and I’d like to think thanks to a certain level of common sense- I’ve learned that there can be zero judgment and assumptions made of anyone who is positive. Each story is unique and personal. Of course, there’s still the issue of contraction.

Having felt the frustration of conversations with clinic nurses and online forums that refuse to give a numerical answer to questions like: “Can you contract HIV from oral sex?”; “Rimming?”; “How often from safe sex as a top…a bottom?”; “How often really from barebacking?” No one stat has ever been officially passed on to me over these years… Sure, we can get vague percentages of “increased rates due to lack of condom use,” but what if something’s “60% more likely to occur” and you don’t know what the base likelihood is… What the hell is 60% more than X? Still, I’ve learned what we mostly all have: nothing from hand jobs, oral sex is really only ever a risk if open sores exist in the mouth, rimming essentially the same and of course that safe sex is a proven prevention method during anal intercourse… so long as the condom doesn’t break. So, how does this all affect our decision in the end?

I’ve found that despite these essentially communally-accepted facts, the thought of HIV and AIDS can often cause people to throw out the quantitative and focus on the emotional and experiential. Maybe I brushed my teeth too hard this morning, maybe something will hit my eye, maybe … before you get outraged or even laugh, these are actual concerns I’ve heard and read from MULTIPLE gay men, and, to be honest, people are allowed their worries and their opinions. I don’t hold anything against anyone. Personally, I wonder if even my personal and aforementioned decision to allow certain sexual acts but be very careful and wait on others is open-minded enough. But, I realize I can’t live my life worried about how others will judge my decisions- there’s always going to be opinions either way so I just have to live in a way that works with my values.

A second issue that I’ve had to consider past the “night of fun” with men who are positive is the question of an ongoing relationship. Where numbers and precautions can be easily referred to for one-off sexual encounters, the stats go a bit out the window when talk of a possible long-term relationship comes up. Relying on self-disclosure again, I’ve personally been on dates with men knowing they were positive and while of course there’s no issue of contraction with coffee, there arises the issue of falling for someone who has an illness that will always be a huge factor to be addressed and dealt with every time you express yourselves carnally. This one is definitely not a knee-jerk reaction issue. While I’ve never ended a relationship because of the man’s status, I’ve never really had a long term relationship at all so it’s hard for me to know exactly how I’d react. I’d like to think that if the emotions were there and the connection strong enough I would enter a new relationship with a positive man- but, I can’t say their status wouldn’t play a role in my decision.

This article could very well get me a LOT of flack for what I’ve spouted here, but when a close friend commented that we haven’t really discussed this topic much on the site considering it is such a huge topic in the gay world, I figured I may as well open the door for anyone to express how they feel about it. You could think me an idiot or an asshole, but either way, I’d love to hear what you think.

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