THE BITCH IS BACK. No, I’m not talking about The Hills and Kristin Cavallari. I’m talking about the grand dame of them all… Amanda Woodward. The CW has just confirmed that Heather Locklear, the original HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge), will be appearing on a few episodes of the Melrose Place reboot starting November 19, 2009. No word on how her appearance will impact the current residents of the sexy apartment complex. Just like its predecessor, Melrose Place 2.0 is struggling to find its audience in attempting to become a breakout hit. In the early 90s, Melrose Place was on the verge of cancellation when Aaron Spelling brought on his lucky charm, Heather Locklear to breathe new life to the series. We all know how that experiment turned out. Melrose Place became the IT SHOW of the 90s and became water cooler fodder the next day. Will lightning strike twice? Can Heather prove she still has it in her late 40s? Is the reboot bringing back too many of the old characters? Only time will tell.

Now that two episodes of the reboot have aired, I think it’s fair to start trashing or praising it. Quelle surprise, I’m going to praise it- like there was ever any doubt. I’m in love how it’s less campy but more bitchy & darker. It almost has a film noire feel to it. During the years Melrose Place was off the air, another explosion must have blown up the old building because the new complex looks friggin’ awesome. Those suites seem triple the size of where Billy & Alison used to live! Not only has the square footage increased, the common area has an outdoor bar and barbecue. So jealous!

Things that make me say: “GIVE ME MORE”

• Lauren: Love the high-class-call-girl-in-training SLASH budding-doctor with the heart of gold. Let’s be realistic though: who wouldn’t accept $5000 for sleeping with two hotties. I know at least half the Homorazzi.com cast who would do it for FREE. Let’s see how Lauren does with some nasty fugly hairy stanky fatty. Perhaps sweeps week?
• Ella: During the first episode, I thought she was trying to hard to channel Amanda Woodward but by the second episode she totally won me over with her scenes with the new boss and client. Sure she’s a bit over the top, but I love her bitchy ballsy attitude. GIVE ME MORE and PS. Give me a call. I think you’re my new BFF and hag-in-waiting.
• Jonah: Le SIGH. Just like the original, the new Billy is the boy next door that everyone is going to love. Back off bitches, he’s mine. I love how the updated Billy is now a tech geek and aspiring film maker instead of a writer- we’re like the same person. It’s meant to be. HAHA.
• Ella’s Gay Boss: “Guuuuuuurl, you need to calibrate your gaydar”. Love how the producers took one of the late 90′s gay pinup boys and gave him a pivotal role in the updated sudser. Two thumbs up. I’m sure all you SATC fans will remember him as the hot stockbroker that gave out stock tips while having sex with Samantha.

Things that make me say: “I’M NOT MAD AT YOU, BUT I’M ON THE FENCE”

• Violet: I love Ashlee Simpson the singer, but loathe Ashlee Simpson the actress. During the pilot episode, I prayed so hard she would be the one floating face down in the pool. I was all ready to join the I HATE VIOLET fan clubs, but then the second episode aired… She went from annoying to CRAZY LOOKING BITCH searching for her birth mama. Loved it. If they spin her character more like Kimberly then I’m all over it. Bring on the crazy girl!
• David: Poor little rich boy. You’re good looking, have lots of money and everyone wants you. Rough life. Considering he’s been one of the main focuses of the series thus far due to his relationships with characters from the original series, I’m not getting anything from him. Nada, zilch, nothing. I’ll give him a couple of more episodes to win me over otherwise I’m on the hate train- choo choo!

Things that make me say: “I HATE YOU, PRODUCERS”

• Sydney: Laura Leighton was one of the biggest reasons I loved watching the original and a huge major draw for me to watch the new series. Shame on you for killing her off before the commercial break. I realize it makes for a good season-long story but why couldn’t you bring back and kill Alison Parker instead. That would’ve been a huge ratings bonanza. So once the mystery gets solved at the season finale, does that mean Sydney isn’t coming back next year? Bring her back from the dead another time. Third times a charm.
• Auggie: Sure you look pretty hot in the shower the last episode, but a six pack alone isn’t going to win me over in TV land- in real life… hmm let’s talk. I need more from you than just that- you’re NO JONAH. Sure the recovering alcoholic has potential but I just don’t see it. Just like your predecessor, Sandy, who worked at the gang’s local hangout… I just don’t see you lasting long.
• Riley: Let me preface this by saying I love Jessica Lucas, the actress who plays Riley and I can’t believe I’m going to say this BUT her character thus far makes me yearn for Alison Parker. Riley is kinda blah and doesn’t have any chemistry with Jonah. Go have an affair with Auggie- we all know you want to and leave Jonah for me. I would never leave him hanging for an answer if he proposed to me. Bitch, Please!

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Are you watching the reboot? Are you more excited to learn more about the new characters or are you just watching to see Amanda, Jane, Jo, Michael and the rest of them return? Here’s a wicked montage that perfectly illustrates what was so awesome about the original. Let’s have more catfights. Be sure to catch the reboot every Tuesday night on the CW.

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