While Barbara Walters picks the Most Fascinating People of 2012, GQ magazine is taking a very different approach for their year end who’s who list. Rather than highlight people who have made huge accomplishments in the past year, the publication picked 25 individuals who were so uninspiring the magazine wants to “stick them on an iceberg.” Way harsh ;)
Who the biggest offender in their eyes? Failed presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, of course. The Republican lands atop GQ’s “Least Influential People” of 2012. The magazine’s social commentators declared voting for him was so uninspiring it was “like hooking up with the last single person at the bar at 4am.” OUCH. To be politically fair, the Democrats also landed on the list. First lady, Michelle Obama ranked No. 7 for failing to motivate Americans to eat healthier. Apparently, the majority are still obese mofos. LOL.
Who else made the cut? From celebrities to athletes to political leaders, no one was safe from their biting commentaries. I’ve picked a few of my favorite blurbs from GQ’s list. Check them out.
I didn’t think it was possible for God to invent a worse driver than Lindsay Lohan, but here you go. Bynes spent all of 2012 avoiding acting gigs and trying desperately to run over your dog. And yet she isn’t anywhere close to being as fascinating a train wreck as Lohan. I could watch Lohan implode for years and years, yet Bynes merits only a token shrug. Step up your game, missy. Sometime in the near future, there’s a sensational vehicular-manslaughter trial with your name on it!
That cheerleading outfit isn’t making you look any younger, Madge. It’s time for you to stop putting out aggressively bland comeback albums and make room for Ke$ha and Katy and the other 800 female artists out there who change outfits every five minutes to distract people from their terrible singing.
For two decades I have waited for the next Cobain, a voice so original that it changes the face of rock ‘n’ roll. Finally, this year, an outsider came along who broke the stranglehold of processed pop and became a global sensation. It’s just too bad that the artist in question is a Belgian emo guy who can’t handle a simple breakup with a hint of grace. ”You didn’t have to stoooooop so low.” You make Alanis Morissette sound like Slayer. You are rock’s genocide. Also, the next time you film yourself naked for a video, wash your feet.
The individual-medley-of-douchiness world record was shattered this year by Lochte, the U.S. swimmer who managed to increase the Ashton Kutcher-ness of the London Games by 80 percent. Lochte would have been far more influential if he’d come in dead last. That way, American fathers could have turned to their sons
and said, “You see? This is what happens to you when you buy American-flag mouth grills and act like a dipshit.” There will always be a place on this list for the man who invented the catchphrase Jeah!
Every year brings new and incontrovertible evidence that Lance Armstrong is the polar opposite of the inspiring legend he was once made out to be. It’s like peeling back the layers of an onion that’s nestled inside an asshole. Just this year, Armstrong dropped his fight against the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency in the most dickish and self-delusional way possible (“There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, ‘Enough is enough’ “), then got fired by Nike and his own Livestrong charity. Also, Outside magazine found that Livestrong “donates almost nothing to scientific research.” I put nothing past him anymore. By 2014, I expect him to be charged with supplying elephant growth hormone to Roger Clemens and orchestrating the civil war in Syria.
John Carter became the biggest bomb in history in part because Andrew Stanton, the movie’s director, mistakenly believed that we were as into Edgar Rice Burroughs as he was. Next time you waste $250 million shooting and reshooting a terrible movie based on obscure source material, ask around first. Not everyone is frothing for a Captain Koala movie, my friend.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like Hulk Hogan. Funny how getting caught banging his best friend’s wife on tape and then finding out that his best friend was allegedly the one taping it has now diminished my admiration. Kudos to Hulk for having a big ol’ dick, though. That thing is thicker than a turnbuckle.
For the entire list, head over to www.GQ.com.
Who do you think from GQ’s list was the least influential? Who was wrongfully included on the year end list? Sound off below.