Is ‘Hate F*cking’ Hot Or Just Embarrassing For You?

hate-fuckingI recently got really into it with a close friend after we mutually eye rolled at a guy we know from being out’s douche post on Facebook: something about how amazing his new “regimen” was producing “killer results for his lats” as he posed in front of the mirror at his gym. Now, this isn’t just a one off for this guy, he posts weekly nearly naked and flexed within an inch of his life, risking aneurysm and haemorrhoid burst to get that perfect shot. On top of that, he’s recently begun to post some vaguely conservative and borderline racist stuff about people he gets “bothered by” on Grindr and the like. So, when I saw yet another of his mindless posts I muttered to my close friend: “He’s literally the worst.” To which my good friend replied: “Yeah, but I still totally would.” And then the argument began…

What? He’s hot!” Were the only real words of explanation that my friend had for me. I couldn’t believe it: how could we both be so equally annoyed, ashamed as “peers” of his in the same community, and grossed by his online and in person antics but so far off on what that would mean to us sexually speaking. I saw this guy as what he clearly tries hard to present himself as: driven by looks, turned off by anything different than himself, and full of contrarian statements he shouts just to get a rise out of people and to be noticed. I in no way saw him as sexual. Sure the parts are there, there’s a clear devotion to gym and diet that look right off a magazine cover but who the hell could care about that when you outright can’t stand and dare I say hate the person they are. My friend could.

My friend thought it was funny that I couldn’t understand that none of that mattered. That to my friend, not only did he not care that this guy on the regular spouted out hateful comments on people he thought his lesser, or that the deepest thought he’d clearly ever had was about the caloric count of his newest protein bar, but that actually in spite of those things, my friend wanted to bang the guy even more. I say “in spite” rather than despite very carefully, because as my friend put it: “It’s so hot to fuck someone you absolutely can’t stand.” I was pretty grossed out.

I can’t see the appeal of “takin’ it out on him in bed”; I can’t see past the elitism and vapid waste; I can’t see how anyone could want to fuck someone they despise. What’s sexy about getting naked and spending that kind of time with someone you usually avoid and reject. I totally get that the act of sex doesn’t need to be beautiful, hell, I don’t think sex requires an exchange of names sometimes. But, when you know the person you’re with and you know you can’t stand for anything they are, how can you even imagine being with them like that? Hate fucking seems to me like giving in to something so basal at the cost of things you care about and respect. I’d like to think I’m quite high on the sex positive scale and maybe this POV is a mark against me, but in the end I think if you find someone vile then that goes beyond looks and goes beyond how funny it would be to bang them to say you had. I say it just embarrassing.

  • James Rainey

    Perhaps your friends thoughts about fucking are just completely different than yours to begin with. And, from there his life experiences and fantasy’s diverge from yours?

    I also don’t “get this”. But, I’ve long since given up on trying to figure out what turns everyone else on. Or, in this case how someone can use Sex in this manner. Baffling.