Today, I Bought a New iPhone…

… Later in the evening a bird shat on me and my new iPhone. I don’t have a screen protector yet. FML


Last week I was on Facebook and one of my friend’s in Seattle’s status read, “Today my professor who was born without arms, asked somebody, ‘need a hand?’ There are 300 students in the class and I was the only one laughing. FML”

So naturally, being the gullible person that I am, I believe the story to be true. FML. So turns out FML means F*** My Life, and there is a website called The premise is that registered members post “day-to-day life anecdotes” where each member can tell an unfortunate moment or happening in their day. Each of the posts must begin with “Today” and end with “FML”.

Here are a few funny ones:

(1) Today, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML

(2) Today, I got a text message. It said, “I’m so drunk. What you up to, girl?” It was my dad. FML

(3) Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

(4) Today, I looked at the facebook of the girl I really liked, and I saw she wrote on her friend’s wall “Last night was the biggest mistake of my life.” We hooked up last night. FML

(5) Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML