Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant waited until the final four before giving us the always lame recap episode. RECRAP. I refuse to blog about it. Instead, I think it’s time we address some issues with the lovely, the noted, the smizingly fiercely real Tyrant Banks and give her some tips on making ANTM great again. Who am I you ask? Just a disgruntled gay who actually loves the show and has never ever missed an episode in 17 seasons, but is growing so weary of the antics, the drama… and Tyrant’s blatant manipulations of the results and story lines. But there’s hope. Here are my Top 5 ways to improve America’s Next Top Model.
5 Ways To Improve ANTM
Let The Photographer Pick Best Pics
How many times have we seen Tyrant pull up a SUPER bad picture of a girl because it’s OBVIOUS she wants her in the bottom 2 or gone? It happened this season to Laura two episodes ago. As if that picture of her looking all twisted in the Greek salad was her best picture. Bullshit. Lisa and Bianca both tried to call out the show for the photo manipulations this year, but both were shot down. Once by Tyrant and once by Nigel. It’s so obvious the girls were right though. That’s why I think the photographers should be the ones to pick their favorite photos and have those submitted to panel. Take Tyrant’s heavy-handed manipulation out of the equation.
Kill The Gimmicky Skits
Ugh. Remember that whole Sci-Fi robot skit they did way back when to introduce Tyrant to the girls? Super Ugh. Or the time she put on a Kangaroo suit to tell them they were going to Australia? And this season… the breaking of the plates? Enough. They’re not funny. I just roll my eyes and fast forward. It’s better drama just to tell the girls right before elimination that the remaining wannabes will be going to the international destination. It puts real drama and tension into the results.
Stop Making The Girls Speak Foreign Languages
Seriously, CoverGirl commercials are tricky enough… getting those products right, like lashblast lasting lush lips fluff puffs, is hard enough. We don’t need to see them trip all over some foreign tongue. Sure, it can lead to some chuckles, but I’d rather see which girls have talent and which don’t. I don’t need to see who can fuck up a language they’ve never spoken. Remember the disaster in Italy? Take a look below. How did Whitney WIN? Ugh.
Bring Back Nole Marin & Janice Dickinson
It’ll never happen because Tyrant loathes to be upstaged at panel, but Janice and Nole were sensationally bitchy and hilarious judges. They never coddled Tyrant’s ego, especially Janice. But that’s when you get the ax as a Top Model judge. Just look at Kathy Griffin this season. Was she muzzled? She said nothing hilarious. I will never forget the episode where Nole Marin likened Xiomarra to a dying sea cow in chiffon. Take a look at the Janice reel below to remember how things USED to be before Tyrant started muzzling the judges.
Stop The Bogus Eliminations
Lauren Brie, Katarzyna, any girl over Bre, Molly Sue… just to name a few. All girls who were eliminated so Tyrant and her editors could deliver a “shocking” turn of events (Lauren Brie going so early), preserve a dramatic character (Jade staying over Molly Sue), or promote a favored token model “type” (Whitney staying over Katarzyna). Tyrant needs to trust the formula. We’ve been watching for 17 Cycles. Let the top rise to the top, cut the cannon fodder early, and stop manipulating storylines. We watch for the modeling, not the artificial drama. Check out this great summary of unfair eliminations I found on YouTube.
That’s my take… What are your suggestions?