5 Couth Tips to “Last Call”


I’ve been a bartender at a lounge now for about 3 years, and have learned more about people from that job than anything else. Not in the social-let’s-relate-to-each-other-mentally-challenge-me kind of way, but more like the monkeys-throwing-their-own-feces-while-I-stand-behind-bars-with-a-cattle-prod kind of way. Mostly I’ve learned that some people just have more couth than others, a word that I’ve been overusing all year much to my friends and acquaintances’ horror. Some people just have a degree more awareness of their surroundings, and sometimes as I watch these baboons pick ticks off each others backs I wonder how, in every day life, they just don’t fall down more on the sidewalk.

Now mostly this seemingly irrational hostility is coming from an experience the other night when a couple were so into each other, that, even though they were sitting directly in front of my bar they did not notice stools upturned, lights on, music off, liquor locked away and boarded up, and me, leaning on the side of my bar staring directly at them with the fire of seven suns burning in my eyes.

Now I’m not a cruel person at my job. As a matter of fact, I am rather good at what I do- I’m in customer service for a reason; people are interesting and entertaining, and if I give them food and drink, they in return put a little more cash in my wallet. It’s a pretty logical equation. I, as well, understand that I am here to provide a service and that in between the hours of 4 and 11 I do what you tell me to do. But, and here’s my point (yes I actually had one), be RESPECTFUL of the fact that I do last call twenty minutes before the closing time, so that you have enough time to finish your drink and end your night in a pleasant way. I, as well as some other servers, work for a company that does not allow me to kick you out, so after a few years of experience, here are my sage (*snicker*) words of wisdom to all non-service-industry (and let’s be honest, some service-industry) workers for Last Call:

  • 1. Lights on, music off, chairs stacked, doors locked – if you hear or see one or more of these things, it’s time to go home. Hopefully your server, like me, has given you a good amount of time to finish up. The frost bite you might get from cold shoulder will not be worth trying to stick around.
  • 2. Don’t ask for another drink. That little voice, the one with the slur, in your head, justifying that it’s okay to ask for another one, yeah that little voice is wasted man. We’ve all done it, I know, but try your GD hardest to refrain. It makes you look like a desperate alcoholic, and it will cause “our relationship to change in the following ways”. Bring in the cameras!
  • 3. If there’s a billfold on your table, by all means take an extra ten minutes to finish up your drink IF YOU PAY ME. Your server is waiting for payment because we have to do a cashout, and you not paying me means that I have to stay later to do it when you giggle and say “OMG I totally forgot” and finally fork over a card. Your name’s on your card. I’ll find a way to painfully poke you on facebook.
  • 4. If your drink is full when I ask if you want another for last call, and you’ve had THAT drink for the last half hour, then you probably will not be able to finish another one as well in the time frame that I’ve created for you. If you’re a guzzler like me, by all means, chug away.
  • 5. Lastly, if you’re there after I called last call, and you start talking in your outside voice about the restaurant you work at, the super painful facebook poke I fantasized for the last guy, will be nothing to the cataclysmic hellstorm I may create for you when I’m drunk next time, and need a place to have a drink.

Your server is a person, and people have lives, and although I chose this job, and recognize the perils of the industry, there are just a few ways you can make a human being’s life, job aside, a little bit better.

Submitted by: Nic O.

Wanna write? Have an opinion?

We’re excited to present this article, written by a guest writer, as part of “Sunday Submissions“. Do you have something to say? Send your article to sundays[at]homorazzi[dot]com each week by Friday to be considered!
  • Harlequin

    I like this. I find a good way to get people to leave is by putting on warpaint, grabbing a broom (Or other instrument), and start screaming in some foul language. Preferrably Klingon. 😛

  • F.K.

    Amen sister.

  • KL

    Try working in a bathhouse. lol
    Thats were you see some really interesting human interaction and requests.

  • Awesome post! 🙂