With “Fast Five“, the fifth in the racing car franchise, roaring into theaters next week in North America, I thought it’d be a perfect time for another installment of Homorazzi’s popular new feature, Marry, F-ck, Bitch Slap. After playing the game with The Jonas Brothers and the Twilight boys, I was in the mood to play with some real men. So without further ado, let’s dissect these boys and figure out who’s marriage-worthy, good for a roll in the hay and who’s in serious need of a good bitch slapping.

If you’re a regular reader of the site, you know Paul Walker has already been featured in our other popular feature, “Who’d You Rather“. He edged out Ryan Phillippe and walked away with 56% of the votes. I’ve had a super big crush on Paul Walker for years now. He’s my first love- sorry Brian. Obviously I’m a little biased with this installment’s selections, but there’s still the suspense of which of the other two boys I’d bitch slap. Keep reading to find out. Also, don’t forget to post your selections afterward. I’d love to hear your thoughts in this very important pressing matter πŸ˜‰

Visual Aids

Paul Walker (37)

Man, I can’t believe Paul Walker is almost 40-years-old. Where did the years go? Out of the five “Fast and Furious” films, Paul has starred in four of them. Walker got his first taste of stardom when he starred in a Pampers commercial at the age of 2. Besides acting, Walker has many interests including surfing, car racing and marine biology. He studied the latter during his college years. Currently, he lives in Santa Barbara where he lives with his girlfriend and daughter.

Vin Diesel (43)

Like Paul Walker, he’s appeared in four of the “Fast and the Furious” movies. While working as a bouncer at NYC’s Tunnel, he picked up the nickname Vin. “Diesel” came from his friends who said he ran off diesel, referring to his non-stop energy. His big break came when he was cast in Steven Spielberg’s “Saving Private Ryan”. During the first film, Diesel dated his co-star Michelle Rodriguez. Currently, he lives with his girlfriend, Paloma Jimenez, with whom he has a daughter. He also has a twin brother named Paul. Can anyone say twin fantasy?

Tyrese Gibson (32)

Originally an R&B singer, Tyrese transitioned to big budget films after the success of his debut album. In 2000, he won an American Music Award for best new R&B singer. Out of the three, Gibson has appeared in the least amount of films in the franchise. His only other appearance besides “Fast Five” was in the second film “2 Fast 2 Furious”. Tyrese can also be seen in the “Transformers” franchise. Like the other two boys, he’s also raising one daughter.


Marry: Paul Walker because he’s been a crush of mine for many years now. He’s one of the reasons that enticed me to “switch teams”. Obviously, I fully committed to team homo.

F-ck: Vin Diesel. With his deep baritone voice, he’d have me melting with his aggressive dirty talk. Plus, he’s also got an upper body that just won’t quit. It’d be fun to test drive his engine for a couple of laps. Don’t you think?

Bitch Slap: Tyrese Gibson. There’s this sense of arrogance about him that annoys me. Great body, but he’s not all that.

I’ve made my picks, now it’s your turn to chose. Tell me who you’d Marry, F-ck, and Bitch Slap below.