Marry, F-ck, Bitch Slap: The Fast Five Guys

With “Fast Five“, the fifth in the racing car franchise, roaring into theaters next week in North America, I thought it’d be a perfect time for another installment of Homorazzi’s popular new feature, Marry, F-ck, Bitch Slap. After playing the game with The Jonas Brothers and the Twilight boys, I was in the mood to play with some real men. So without further ado, let’s dissect these boys and figure out who’s marriage-worthy, good for a roll in the hay and who’s in serious need of a good bitch slapping.

If you’re a regular reader of the site, you know Paul Walker has already been featured in our other popular feature, “Who’d You Rather“. He edged out Ryan Phillippe and walked away with 56% of the votes. I’ve had a super big crush on Paul Walker for years now. He’s my first love- sorry Brian. Obviously I’m a little biased with this installment’s selections, but there’s still the suspense of which of the other two boys I’d bitch slap. Keep reading to find out. Also, don’t forget to post your selections afterward. I’d love to hear your thoughts in this very important pressing matter 😉

Visual Aids

Paul Walker (37)

Man, I can’t believe Paul Walker is almost 40-years-old. Where did the years go? Out of the five “Fast and Furious” films, Paul has starred in four of them. Walker got his first taste of stardom when he starred in a Pampers commercial at the age of 2. Besides acting, Walker has many interests including surfing, car racing and marine biology. He studied the latter during his college years. Currently, he lives in Santa Barbara where he lives with his girlfriend and daughter.

Vin Diesel (43)

Like Paul Walker, he’s appeared in four of the “Fast and the Furious” movies. While working as a bouncer at NYC’s Tunnel, he picked up the nickname Vin. “Diesel” came from his friends who said he ran off diesel, referring to his non-stop energy. His big break came when he was cast in Steven Spielberg’s “Saving Private Ryan”. During the first film, Diesel dated his co-star Michelle Rodriguez. Currently, he lives with his girlfriend, Paloma Jimenez, with whom he has a daughter. He also has a twin brother named Paul. Can anyone say twin fantasy?

Tyrese Gibson (32)

Originally an R&B singer, Tyrese transitioned to big budget films after the success of his debut album. In 2000, he won an American Music Award for best new R&B singer. Out of the three, Gibson has appeared in the least amount of films in the franchise. His only other appearance besides “Fast Five” was in the second film “2 Fast 2 Furious”. Tyrese can also be seen in the “Transformers” franchise. Like the other two boys, he’s also raising one daughter.


Marry: Paul Walker because he’s been a crush of mine for many years now. He’s one of the reasons that enticed me to “switch teams”. Obviously, I fully committed to team homo.

F-ck: Vin Diesel. With his deep baritone voice, he’d have me melting with his aggressive dirty talk. Plus, he’s also got an upper body that just won’t quit. It’d be fun to test drive his engine for a couple of laps. Don’t you think?

Bitch Slap: Tyrese Gibson. There’s this sense of arrogance about him that annoys me. Great body, but he’s not all that.

I’ve made my picks, now it’s your turn to chose. Tell me who you’d Marry, F-ck, and Bitch Slap below.

  • Jordan

    – I would marry Paul Walker
    – I would fuck Vin Diesel
    – I would bitch slap Tyrese Gibson

  • K vodka

    Marry: Paul Walker – I too, have a crush on walker ever since I saw him on the first fast and furious movie. I just think he’s hot and the beach photos of him and his bulge: priceless

    Fuck: Vin Diesel – that scene where he grabs his girl on the first movie of fast and furious series and gives us the scenes they’re going to f*ck, damn so hot. but he really looks sweet too. I just love him
    I would love to see more of him I feel like we only see him on F&F movies though

    Bitch Slap: Tyrese – I’m just not into black men and he looks stupid lol

  • Tyson

    Marry Paul Walker, He is so damn beautiful, even if hes goin on 40!!! Fuck Vin, that sounds like some good sex 😉 Lastly Slap Tyrese cause its the only option left, anyways I’m not into black guys either

  • Slade

    Marry- Paul Walker, he is soo fine and his baby blue’s are irrisistable! I think his voice is sexy to!!!!
    Fuck- Vin D, he is also hella fine, and you know that would be some amazing SEX woah, im getting all hot thinking about it!
    B-Slap- sorry Tyrese process of elimination lol plus he seems really cocky and annoying!

  • Steve-O

    Marry – Vin Diesel – Lifelong dirty sex and you just know he loves to cuddle 🙂

    Fuck – Tyerse – Man’s god a body that you just have to test drive at least once

    Slap – Paul Walker – Am just left MEH by has cardboard acting

    @K Vodka & @Tyson – So you not into black men but you’d still fuck Vin Diesel?

  • Gabriel

    @ Steve-O I was thinking the same thing! Vin Diesel is half black *Kanye shrug*

  • Vin Makes My Mind Dirty

    MARRY: Paul Walker, because he’s downright handsome, hot and I would just love to lick him from head to toe. 😉

    FUCK: Vin Diesel, because of that killer body (esp. that chest) which would make for some pretty rough sex. I also wanna taste someone with a shaved head for a change. 😀

    BITCH-SLAP: Tyrese Gibson, only because I ran out of options. He does have a nice body though.

  • HandsomeBlackCowboyStudBrett1953

    Folks,no bragging,AT 57-58 July 6-I’m said to be handsome enough to play black cowboy roles,or rewprise a black cowboy equivalent of the career-making Brad Pitt role in “Thelma And Louise!!!(Yes,folks,that means I’m a-
    bout SIX ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE handsomer than Blair,Denzel,Idris,
    Boris (Kodjoe) and the other studs of your ladies’ fervent imagination!!!