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Following the theme of “painfully single” that oh-so permeates my article and video contributions to homorazzi.com, today I’m looking at that elusive thing called “love”. Oh, and by “elusive”, apparently I mean abundant, bountiful, frequent and facile. Love is EVERYWHERE. But, and here’s my spin on the issue, it seems so vapidly short-lived and reboundable [see my first article on this site]. Again, I’ll start with the disclaimer of: “No, I’ve never been in love and have never had a boyfriend so likely shouldn’t talk”… but hey, it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to ;)
Logging onto facebook today, I was informed that it was a friend’s boyfriend’s birthday. Her status read: “Happy Birthday Davin!!!!! xxooxxooxxoo Looooooooooooove you! 22 minutes ago”… Funny you should mention “22 minutes ago”, facebook, because I honestly wonder if that love is still there. I know I’m sounding eye-rollingly like a pessimist here, but honestly: how many times have I seen “[Insert name here] is no longer in a relationship”? While this issue applies to all genders and sexual preferences, I do think that we homos have a strong addiction to this thing called “love”. Furthermore, I think we also have a leg-up on the competition for being able to so readily fall OUT of it.
This article is less rant and more plea for an explanation from you boys (and girls) on how you can be in love as if it were some perennial flower that grows anew every spring. [Side Note: The private joke behind the use "perennial" there is that it was my handle on Manhunt for well over a year... and it definitely didn't lead me to love!] I am ALL about finding your perfect mate, but personally, I hope the first time I use the word- in that way- will be with the one and only man I say it to for the rest of my life… now who’s the pessimist? ;)
I do understand that “things happen”- that jobs, accidents, and unpredictable conflicts arise that end the (once-assumed permanent) love. That I get. What boggles me is that you people (yeah, I said it!), are able to continually find that new “one-and-only”… again, and again, and again. I would say- and correct me if this statistic seems to contradict what you see in yourself and your friends- that on average, my 30-something year old friends have said the L-word about 4 or 5 times in their lives. Four or five “soul mates”- as I once thought the word to denote…??? That seems crazy to me. I’m reminded of a Spill Canvas song- The Tide- and the lyrics: “And he can’t understand / How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.” I feel like the boy in that song who “sits on the dock” and waits to experience love for the first time but isn’t sure if he’ll ever truly find it since everything he’s ever heard/read about it doesn’t seem to exist in the real world.
Thankfully, I’ve got great examples from my- very together- parents, my married brother, my married sister and my other- likely soon-to-be- married sister… Still, they’ve said “I love you” so many times, to so many people over the years that I can’t help but feel that the word doesn’t mean what I think it should… Likely, the problem’s with me. Still, I had to ask.
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- Tags: facebook, love, relationship update, spill canvas, the tide
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Dan
April 18th, 2009 at 10:17 am
We all love you Adam.
Adam
April 18th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I can’t date “we” daniel :P
Jared
April 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Aww Adam, I liked your post. I do believe that people these days through the Love word around too often. That being said, I don’t see the harm in people using it when they are in a committed relationship, even if it doesn’t end up working out. It’s kinda cliche, but you can feel love for someone, but not be in love with someone. That is, you can be in love with someone you’re in a relationship with, but if things don’t work out, you can still love them, just not “be in love.” Also, when two people feel passionately about one another, why not use the word to show your commitment to one another? In a way, it’s as if you’re trying to secure a longerterm (again, hyphen key melted) relationship.
Research has shown that in most relationships, the lust or passion aspect of the relationship lasts for 2 years, and after those 2 years the relationship would need a stronger intimate and more personal level of affection in order to continue as a happy relationship. Therefore, I wouldn’t fault anyone for using the love word to express their feelings when, 1) People want to love and feel love which makes everyone happy and is natural, and 2) we can’t see the future and who we’ll end up with (I don’t really believe in a soulmate :S) so why not let people live in the moment with whom they feel is their one to be… if any of that made sense lol. But again, great post :)
Adam
April 18th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Thanks Jared! I’m really glad you liked it, even though you didn’t totally agree with it! I think I should look to my Psych textbooks for some more critical analysis of the situation… In most things I like to be scientific, but I suppose I’m a romantic at heart and everything goes out the window when I think of “love”… Should likely put the fairy tales down and realize there ARE different types of love.
Dan
April 18th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Adam, you ARE Cinderella.
Kevin
April 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I generally agree with all of this Adam. When it comes to relationships and gay people I’ve often thought that it’s sort of an “easy come, easy go” attitude. You meet some guy, hook up, hang out for 2 days and are suddenly “boyfriends”… but when the initial magic wears off and the first issue comes up it’s easy to just drop it all and call it quits because there wasn’t any real effort put into it to begin with.
I do disagree with the idea about having one “soul mate” and only saying “I love you” to that one person though. Being in a great relationship doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a great relationship with someone else- that’s part of the whole “relationship” deal… you’ve made a choice to be with that person and to make that relationship your priority. If it ends, for whatever reason, I don’t think that you can say “Oh, I must not have really been in love with that person” just because it didn’t work out. Obviously something caused it to end, but that doesn’t mean that there weren’t genuine feelings involved. Sure, most of us want and hope to find “the one” and only say “I love you” (in that context) to them- but for me, “the one” doesn’t necessarily mean they are the only person in the whole world I *could* fall in love with- it means that that I have fallen in love with them and that they are the one I’ve chosen to be with, above all else and regardless of what *could* happen with anyone else. If it ended up not working out, I would still have loved them and wouldn’t regret having told them so.
Adam
April 20th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Kevin, I think you’re right about the lack of “soulmate” as a part of the word love… it’s an antiquated concept i notion to deal with :(
I’m glad to know that if i DO finally get to say “i love you” to someone that our breaking up doesn’t mean i was “lying” or just straight up wrong… daniel’s right… i’m living in a fairy tale haha.
Jared
April 20th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Adam, you seem kind of hard on yourself :( If you say you love someone because you feel it in that moment, it’ll never be a lie just because you “might” break up in the future. All too often, just like we like to live in the past, we like to live in the future too. It’s important to enjoy the moment you spend with the person you have now. Like that quote from Kung Fu Panda (Might I add one of the BEST moves EVER!), “The past is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.” It’s okay to live in a “fairy tale,” but don’t forget the now. Otherwise, you’ll play the what if game over and over, and miss all the great opportunities that are right in front of you. :)
Justin
June 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Honestly, I’m the least romantic person in the universe. Perhaps it is because I treasure my independence, but the thought of being with someone for 20, 30, 40 years horrifies me. I was equally shocked when I found out that couples have joint bank accounts. It would have to be a very strong relationship for me to allow another person to have access to my cash.
So, for me, it would probably be only once in my life (Still not happened yet) when I would say the L-word to someone.
Matthew
January 13th, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Hi Adam ^-^
I recently came across this article today while web surfing. I know it probably seems silly for me to be commenting on it now, over a year later, but after reading it I simply felt I had to.
I completely understand where you are coming from with this post. I, too, have never had a boyfriend. My life thus far has been like many other young gay males.
Grew up in a small town, came out at 16 (which is apparently quite early to be doing so? I thought I had waited way too long at that point.) All throughout my childhood and teen years dating wasn’t even an option. I was the only out male in my entire graduating class.
So believe me I know the feeling. Even now, being six months away from 21 and in my second year of college, I still am not sure what love is or if I won’t, also, be that boy on the dock (Dade ;D ) from the Spill Canvas song.
I believe that in order to know what love is you have to know what it’s NOT first. You have to experiment and not be afraid to go way outside of your comfort zone.
For example, I’d love to end up with a hunky cowboy from down south who is just as kind and caring as he is sexy. However, I realize that the likelihood of that is very very small and because of that I am totally open to….shall we say, skinny guys who write articles for gay websites ;P
So long as someone treats you well and is able to make you feel happy and satisfied, the rest is transitory.
Lastly, I don’t think you’re living in a fairytale. I, too, believe that there is one special person out there for people. True you can have relationships with others and love others, but if it doesn’t work out that’s simply because there is another love out there that is going to be more fulfilling for you.
Best of luck and I sincerely hope you find your someone (if you haven’t already.)
Adam
January 13th, 2011 at 11:49 pm
Matthew: Thanks very much for the damn sweet comment!
For the most part, people who “randomly fall onto” my articles don’t have the same positivity with em (i’m usually more of a polarizing writer ha)… so, to come across yours today was a huge smile.
Good to see some optimism out there, especially when mine has faulted so much… though, 28 is a bit more of a daunting number so I’m beginning to think that hunky cowboys don’t exist at all let alone that one of them “has” my number ha.
If that’s what you’re looking for then I say go for it- you don’t have to settle for the skinny writer just cause you think the chance is small though matthew… I appreciate the sweet thought but i’d hate to be with a man who didn’t think i was perfect for him, rather the best he was likely going to get with the law of averages :)
Thanks again for the great comment. Congrats on being so out, proud and yourself so long- brave on so many damn levels! Good on you.
Matthew
January 14th, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Adam,
I’m glad my comment made you smile as that was partly what I was intending in writing it.
It’s cute you think I’m so positive and whatnot. In reality I have moments of extreme pessimism and sadness just like anyone else. Those two things seem so often to go hand in hand with gay men. It’s quite disheartening.
What I meant when I said I’d gladly get with say a writer as opposed to the hunky cowboy from my fantasies is that I truly believe the person out there who is going to make me the happiest will be nothing like what I’d imagined him.
I like to think I’ll know him by the way he kisses me and the way he holds me to him, as though he’s afraid I’ll blow away if he lets go or doesn’t hold on too strong.
I want someone who loves me. Truly, deeply and irrevocably loves me. I want us to be able to grow together and share our lives with one another. I want him to bring out my best traits as I would try hard to do for him. I want him to enrich my life and make me a better person.
Granted there are other, less important things, I’d like for him to do as well (for example, I like guys who are not afraid of taking the initiative and are more “masculine” in their thought process and behaviors (I don’t measure masculinity by height, bicep or dick size.))
But I’d be willing to forgo all of that if he truly made me happy. I try not to care too much about what he looks like or who he’s been before me. I want to focus on who he is beyond the veneer and who he will become WITH me.
That’s what I meant when I was saying that. This entire article along with your comments remind me of a line from one of my favorite songs (This Bitter Earth, On The Nature of Daylight):
“But while a voice within me cries. I’m sure someone may answer my call and this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXHGoaEtmFM