How much do you LOVE when your nearest and dearest decide that their walls are the exact right place to post that SUPER cute picture of them and their hubby kissing by the beach, or holding hands and looking lovingly into each others’ eyes or doin’ the selfie shot from bed together come Sunday morning as they declare themselves the: “Best Couple Ever!“? Does the photo remind you that love exists and that dreams really do come true for you and yours or does it make you consider deleting the gnats or at the very least hiding all their further updates from your news feed?

Honestly, until just 5 seconds before typing this line I WAS going to say that I was going to remain impartial for this article and write from both points of view on this issue, but screw it, people already can’t stand me so I may as well stand up for my convictions: I LOATHE cutesy couple facebook posts. I’m sure you’ve had this talk with most of your friends at some point and while it seems that the rumbling among us seem to agree with my side it’s the lovey-dovey posters that seem to win out with day in and out updates of how amazing their relationship is. Blech. I needed to write a purge article to express my annoyance and hopefully hear from both sides of this debate to see if I’m just a cynical spinster or justified jury of one on this. Is it okay to post “Look at us!” posts of your relationship on facebook?

Yes, I know I can delete friends or hide their posts. Yes, I can skim over their crap on my news feed or hell get rid of facebook altogether. No, I don’t want to take those options. What I WANT is to use facebook unfettered and REALLY, what I want is for my friends to realize how awful the cutesy shit is. I don’t want to band-aid the concern by putting on blinders because I still know that I’m friends with people (whom I trust and love and respect… ish) who think that posting: “How freaking hot are we?” is acceptable on a public shot of the couple making out in the middle of a club. I can’t imagine what runs through my friends’ mind when tagging self-snapped pics of them hugging their man in front of the bathroom mirror and declaring themselves “World’s Hottest Couple“. Do they think this post might actually WIN them said title and that they’ll be receiving a mug in the mail from the general public? Are they under the impression that enough likes on a tag and photo like that will increase their “couple cuteness”? They won’t and it won’t. It just looks desperate.

I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man. that the amount that couples post publicly is inversely related to the amount of time they’ll be together and of course the amount of security they have in themselves as a pair. WHOA, before you rush down to the bottom of the page to post that you and yours have been together for ten years and post a heart on each other’s walls each day DO know that no law or rule is without exception and this rule is no exception to having an exception ;) Absolutely, there are thousands upon thousands that do exactly what annoys me and live happy lives of love with their partner. But, think back, how many of your dopey head-over-heel falling friends seem to need to blast it to the world the second they’ve made it past a second date and are SURE “this is the one”. Particularly gay couples: they’re the WORST. Do you realize how many gay relationships end, 99.99% of all of them: fact. Sure, lots of you will ultimately end up with the one, but how many not-the-ones did you run through getting there and how many times did you announce to the world (possibly through facebook) that you two were “gonna be together forever!” Do the math and check yourself before you change that profile pic ;)

I have no problem throwing fellow writer Nic under the bus here (mostly because I know he doesn’t read my posts!) as I describe one of his past facebook relationships (as that’s what I refer to these supposed efforts at love when they end up being all about posts and tags and updates on fb) as one of the grossest I’ve ever seen. It was “miss you’s” throughout the day; heart and kiss face emoticons (before you could just press the button on your iphone.. back when you had to type the coding!); and, japanese girl photo booth pictures of them surrounded by a pink border and pictures of what I can only assume was Sailor Moon swooning over Tuxedo Mask. What it WAS, was AMAZING fodder for a year after the fact (to the anniversary’s exact day mind you!) for his friends and of course yours truly to repost and comment on as he’d left up the rococo monstrosities for all online world to “adore”. The posts- particularly after the fact- reeked of such oblivion-seeking desperation that one could only imagine there must have been no time for real conversation or fights in the “relationship” if one’s time was spent so fiercely updating demonstrative shots of their “shared love.” Blech.

I cannot imagine the impetus for these posts. Do you not have text messaging on your phone? Does your boyfriend have no idea how to access his private messages on fb? Are you trying to prove to the kids from your high school still on your friend list that you CAN in fact get a date? (wait, that last one might be it…). Still, I can hear the other side of this argument calling: who does it hurt? why do you care? Well, honestly, it doesn’t HURT anybody, but it can annoy the fuck out of people. I liken these posts to PDA: in public a kiss between boyfriends or holding of hands is a simple and sweet example of care… two guys going at it and moaning “how much does everyone want to make out with us at this bar?” is sick. Further, PDA in real life is spontaneous, it’s the only venue you have short of running into the bushes to share a hug- public posts aren’t necessary and tell more about what’s going wrong than what’s going right between you two.

Fair enough, maybe you had a fight the night before in front of your friends and you want everyone to know you’re all better (personally, I’d message close friends one on one but oh well); maybe you think you really are the “god damn hottest two guys on earth”; maybe you just honey badger the whole thing and just don’t give a shit. Totally valid the lot of them. But, do realize that it can very easily come across as douchey and desperate and give friends reason to question just how things are really going for the two of you.

Finally, what I find most hilarious about this phenomenon is how quickly “my side” of the debate turns the minute they squeeze out a third date with someone new. That it’s less a lack of annoyance with the desperation of their friends and more out of starvation for their own partner that causes people to bitch about this one. Call you friends on their shit I say! I’ve been STAUNCH on this issue to say the least and while I haven’t made it to a third date with many men (full, depressing disclosure here haha) I have each time made the decision to NOT flip-flop and tell my fb community that “I got one!”. Stay strong and leave the douchiness where it belongs: with straight guys falling out of night clubs at 4 in the morning- we’re better than this, gays!