Bring out the vats of spray-on tan. Seriously, how much do they use throughout the season? With the largest cast ever assembled for “Dancing with the Stars”, the season nine premiere spanned three nights. On Monday, the men took center stage while the women took the spotlight on Tuesday. For the first time ever, each celebrity was required to perform two dances on their respective night. Yikes! Adding insult to injury, the celebrities this year are restricted to a maximum amount of time they’re allowed to practice. Last season saw such a record number of injuries that the producers are taking extra precautions to ensure that doesn’t happen again. By throwing two dances and less training time at the celebrities, you know this is going to spell T.R.A.I.N.W.R.E.C.K. ABC, be sure to give those “DWTS” producers a raise. Wink.
Since there are so many celebs to talk about, I’m just going to briefly glaze over their performances and group them into four distinct groups.
“The I Love You And Hope You Win The Mirror Ball Group”
This group definitely has the natural talent to take home the crown. Not only do they possess rhythm but they come off as endearing and very likable. Let’s face it, in the end, this sham is a big ‘ol popularity contest. I’d be happy if any of these couples were holding that tacky mirrored trophy in the end.
Natalie Coughlin & Alec Mazo – Score 27
Not only did you represent your country in the most recent Olympics but you also brought home the gold medal which BTW gives you tons of “God Bless The USA” karma votes. Not that you should need them since you actually danced quite well and deserve them on that merit. Given a little more time, you’ll feel more at ease on the dance floor and no doubt make a serious run for the title. Could this be Shawn Johnson 2.0 (last year’s winner) and keep it within the athlete-family?
Mark Dacascos & Lacey Schwimmer – Score 29
I’ve watched maybe one episode of Iron Chef America and don’t even remember it all that much. For me, that’s the biggest insult I can give a TV show. During his first dance he showed remarkable showmanship considering his background. Coupled with his martial arts training and being partnered with uber popular partner, Lacey Schwimmer, I have no doubt he’ll make it far. “Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting”. Take the judges’ advice to heart and you could be a contender.
Mya & Dmitry Chaplin – Score 31
I almost didn’t recognize Mya without her fellow courtesans (Pink, Christina & Lil Kim). Being an R&B musician and producing some wicked dancing videos in the past, I was expecting a lot from Ghetto Supastar Mya. She definitely didn’t disappoint and showed she had grace as well as a sexy playful side. With Disney releasing its first ever afro-centric princess movie: “The Princess and The Frog” soon, I have no doubt ABC’s parent company will be pushing for a Mya win- she practically looked like the cartoon princess in her first outfit. For real.
Kelly Osbourne & Louis van Amstel – Score 31
I admit, I haven’t been the biggest Kelly fan. Sometimes I love her, sometimes I don’t. As of last night, I love her. She came into this competition with the right attitude and gave it her all during her two performances. Given the fact Ozzy is her father, I was expecting her to be awkward and be completely out of her element. She proved this naysayer wrong. Not only did she impress the crowd, she won over the judges who placed her in a tie for third place overall. Go Kelly.
“The I Think You’re Adorable But You Can’t Dance If Your Life Depended On It Group”
Oh the adorably but rhythmically challenged bunch. I admire your efforts and totally voted for you but let’s face it, you don’t have a hell’s chance of winning this thing. Use this opportunity to make yourself a household name despite lacking natural dancing talent. It worked for Chelsie’s partner last year- Ty Murray- who made it all the way to fourth place.
Macy Gray & Jonathan Roberts – Score:19
You looked drunk and completely high during your entire performance but at the same time looked ENDEARINGLY CUTE while doing it. How is that possible? I guarantee despite being tied for the lowest score, you’re not going anywhere. The audience loves the train-wrecks and the people who win their hearts, and you my dear did both. You’re not going to win but you’re safe for a few weeks.
Chuck Liddell & Anna Trebunskaya – Score 22
Something about watching a tough UFC fighter wearing ballroom shoes touches a nerve within me 🙂 Seriously, how cute was this big ‘ol bear during his dance. For someone who beats people up for a living, when he smiles he totally captures your heart. Chuck, consider me caught. And, PS being paired with one of my favorite professionals, Anna, increases your favour in my book.
Debi Mazar & Maksim Chmerkovskiy – Score 22
Madonna. Madonna. Madonna. Thick-accented east coast tough girl, Debi Mazar and frequent Madonna music video standby successfully presented herself as one of the best Pygmalion transformations seen on the show. If she completely gives herself to Maksim’s teachings, she has a shot of doing well. I’m rooting for you, you bridge-and-tunnel girl.
Louie Vito & Chelsie Hightower – Score: 27
Never heard of you before but your earnest attitude and diminutive stature caught my eye (or should I say binoculars). Seriously, this guy is probably the shortest guy I’ve ever seen (no offense Patrick). Given the fact Chelsie did wonders with her last partner, I’m not completely writing him off, but it’ll definitely be an uphill battle. Well, in his case an upbump battle.
“The You Danced Well But I Hope You Go Home Cuz I Can’t Stand You Group”
Sure you can dance and sure you may fool some of the American viewing audience into voting for you BUT I’m not falling for your fake smiles and staged “aw shucks” attitude. You can’t fake the audience forever-you’ll eventually crack under the pressure and flip out. You’re sole purpose is to further your career and not challenge yourself or “make any friends”. Your star has dimmed before so let’s hope it stays that way and you just head off into the sunset. No loss to viewing public. Trust Me!
Aaron Carter & Karina Smirnoff – Score: 32
Even when I worked at a kids/teen online magazine, Aaron Carter annoyed the crack out of me as a precocious kid. Now that he’s an adult, I can openly do a hater-ade on him. I find him talentless and just riding off his big bro’s Backstreet Boys coattails. What was Carrie Ann Inaba smoking on Monday? There is nothing I find remotely attractive about him and would never consider him FIIIIIIIIIIIIINE. Put away your cougar claws away, Carrie- it’s very unbecoming.
Melissa Joan Hart & Mark Ballas – Score: 24
Okay, truth be told, I actually don’t really mind Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I just needed a fourth member of this group- I like things even. I’m “the meticulous one” on the site, don’t you know. You actually weren’t too bad on last night’s show but I docked you points for wearing that hideous outfit you wore in Britney’s “Crazy” video. TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE. Let that be a lesson to you.
Donny Osmond & Kym Johnson – Score: 30
Another celeb riding off his sibling’s coattails. If you faint on the show like your sister Marie, I will never watch the $25,000 pyramid again on the Game Show Network. The only thing that impressed me about his performance was that it took him four seasons to follow up his sister’s appearance. Self-control? Probably not. He probably just wore down the casting department and they eventually gave in to get his Mormon ass off of theirs.
Joanna Krupa & Derek Hough – Score: 34
I had no idea who this entitled beyotch was until I watched “The Superstars” this summer. The reality TV competition pitted celebrities with athletes to perform in a series of athletic challenges. During her stay there, she showed complete unsportsmanlike behavior and even cussed our her much bigger male partner and tore him a new one. I’ve read in a few interviews she wants to show the “real her” during her stint on “DWTS”. News flash honey, you’re not off to a good start. She practically gave Debi Mazar a shiner when it was announced she received the highest score during the relay round. AND, PS until you make it into Vogue, Elle and on the runways in Paris, you should never give yourself “supermodel” status especially with your 5’7″ stature. Try “ANTM Cycle 26: Return of the Mini-Models”.
“Were You Even On The Show Because I Already Forgot About You Group”
“We Needed 16 Celebrities And You Kinda Qualify Group”
Thanks for coming out and don’t trip on your sequined outfit on the way out. If any of you make it past week four I’d be surprised. First rule of DWTS Club: never talk about the DWTS club. Secondly, if you don’t have a huge built-in audience, you have to either suck really badly to garner sympathy votes or dance really well to impress the knowledgeable viewers. Unfortunately for you hookers, you did neither and that’s why you’re heading home.
Tom DeLay & Cheryl Burke – Score: 20
Token politician trying to rehabilitate his image. Good luck with that and your dancing- you’re going to need it. Poor Cheryl. At least she’ll probably be off for Halloween, Thanksgiving and the rest of fall 2009. This routine has taken the internet and hell even “The Daily Show” by storm. His “Wild Thing” interpretation was terrifying and hip-shakingly atrocious. Considering this man use to be called “The Hammer” and had such a powerful role in the US government, it’s sad to see how ridiculous people become once they loose the public’s eye.
Ashley Hamilton & Edyta Sliwinska – Score: 19
Another poor shout-out. This time, my dear Edyta gets it. The only professional dancer to appear in every season has yet to take home the title.Too bad for her, it ain’t going to happen this year either. At least she gets to go home and sleep with that hot sexy husband of hers. Notice I didn’t even mention her celeb partner’s name once. Take my word for it, it’s not worth remembering nor repeating.
Kathy Ireland & Tony Dovolani – Score: 20
The curse of being tall and beautiful is apparently having no simultaneous control of your arms and legs. Sure you can do a fierce runway walk but can you do a fierce strut? As we all witnessed last night, the answer is a HELL NO.
Michael Irvin & Anna Demidova – Score 19
Michael Who and Anna Who? That’s all (in Miranda Priestly voice).
BRAIN: Who does my brain and pragmatic side say is leaving? Tom DeLay & Macy Gray.
HEART: Who would I love to get the boot? Ashley Hamilton & Joanna Krupa.
GUT: Unfortunately who will be going? Michael Irvin & Kathy Ireland.