Oh, how I’m going to get flack for this one!
I realize that it would be lovely if we lived in a world where Bambi’s mom never got shot, where Obama ends the war tomorrow and where no one cheats on their partner… But, bitches, we don’t. Instead of pretending there’s no such thing as STDs and that it would be a perfect gay world if you never catch one, instead, let’s set up ways of dealing with it and offer solutions as oppose to living in ignorance. Having accepted the fallibility of society, I’m not going to try and cure an impossible-to-solve situation, I will however try and “make the best out of a bad situation.”
When sleeping with a married man, there are the clear rules of secrecy and the requirement of separation of emotion from the physical… but, there’s also a few things you ought to keep in mind while doin’ the deed if you want to optimize yours and his experience during the affair.
Let’s call it Emily Post’s Guide to Courteous Cheating.
1. NEVER ask about the husband.
The married guy you’re with knows he’s cheating and that he’s breaking a rule being with you, he doesn’t need a constant reminder of the fact by hearing his hubby’s name brought up in the middle of it all. Don’t ask why he’s cheating, or how his mate is doing or even where he is while you two are re-christening their marital bed. It’s not being polite to ask about the other man, it’s stirring the pot of guilt and only leads to reflection on the part of your wedding band wearing friend with benefits. I suggest ignoring the temptation of family pictures on the mantle and slippers tucked under the bed that clearly don’t fit your beau’s feet.
2. Hit the gym and take a couple yoga classes.
Emotional issues aside the married men might be having, a huge reason you were chosen as the “other man” is often because you offer a body type his husband isn’t or no longer has… More often than not, you’ll see the handsome, older buck searching out the tight swimmer his hubby use to look like before he went through his gym then eventual “food eating” phase. You need to stay fit and fun if you’re going to keep the man interested! Not only that, but GET FLEXIBLE. You need to be offering positions and abilities that the husband can’t… or won’t ;) You should be willing to try that naughty role play or take a shower of a different variety. Go nuts! This really likely isn’t the guy you’re going to be with for the rest of your life so let your freak flag fly and try everything you’ve always wanted to with the man. You’ve got to let him live his fantasies with you, or else he’ll just return to his missionary position with his man. Finally, you need to be ready for some back seat at the park or 10 minutes in the tight washroom at 1181… and, for that, you will need to be bendy! You’re likely not always gonna get a bed as an option because his husband could come home at any second or he doesn’t want to risk running into your room mate on his walk of shame home. Hot yoga gets you sweaty and malleable- that’s my top choice.
3. Be available!
The second you get that booty sextext, you need to respond. It’s likely the only safe time for you two to be corresponding without the prying eyes of a husband who could pick up the guy’s phone and find your text popped up on the main screen of his iPhone. Secrecy aside, there’s the limit of time and opportunity to meet. If the stud carved out a free hour, you need to take advantage and drop all plans to get there. No, don’t cancel surgery for it, but if you aren’t available when the guy needs you to be he’s going to look somewhere else for someone who is. Keep your phone with you and learn their couple schedule to know the typical times when you both are free and the other man is otherwise entertained. Also, check your email often because a lot of the time the man can’t risk being caught by errant texts and voice mails.
4. Don’t get too needy.
Sometimes you’ll end up developing an emotional connection with your married man. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it usually means for more fidelity and commitment as far as your guys’ side-relationship goes, which can be really fulfilling, especially since you likely think the guys is the bee’s knees. However, that being said, you don’t want to come across as obsessed or desperate. You should be dating other people for both of your benefits: he doesn’t want to think you’re falling in too deep with him as his situation is essentially permanent and you shouldn’t be putting all your eggs in a basket that will likely never be yours. You need to be experiencing your own relationships outside the guy or else you’ll become jealous of his ability to be out publicly with his man while the only PDA you get is in front of his kitty at the foot of the bed. Also, you keep callin’ that number of his and he’s going to start worrying that you’re going to loose it and show up all Ali Larter like at his apartment one night while he and his are hosting a dinner party. Not cool!
5. Stay COMPLETELY safe.
As much as I preach the use of crazy toys and the slipperiest of lubes, you absolutely need to stay safe during “final” sex. Likely, his husband and he don’t use condoms so there’s always that to remember when you get down to it. Also, if you’re having sex with others, there’s the risk you could pass something along from yourself to the cheating hubby and then to his other man, It’s bad enough that you’re already wreckin’ his home- you don’t need to mess up his junk as well! While I demand safety in all sexploits for all situations, the “married man” case is of particular importance. So do the splits, put your up on the toilet paper dispenser, let him call you whatever naughty words he wants to, but pop a jimmy hat on it because it’s fun to stay safe… too Sesame Street?
Now, before you type that angry comment I know you’re dying to, please note that this isn’t just for hooker bots out there lookin’ to wreck a few marriages in a more fun way. This applies to open relationships; to guys who are sleeping with a couple at the same time; or yes, sometimes to men in marriages that aren’t satisfying them. Sometimes men cheat for valid reasons, sometimes not… I’m just offering a few ways to make it easier for everyone involved.