Wednesday night, my dear friend Amanda and I went to the screening of “Battleship”, the movie based on the board game of the same name. How anyone thought of taking a board game with no characters and developing it into a Hollywood blockbuster is beyond me. The product of this genius is a 131 minute gargantuan alien invasion flick that seems to get lost inside its numerous and uninteresting sub-plots. Imagine Armageddon and Top Gun had a baby.
The majority of the movie happens in Hawaii during a series of naval exercises when alien invaders crash into the Pacific Ocean in response to a beacon sent to a planet closely resembling earth. Other than as a response to the beacon, we are never given much insight into the intentions of the aliens and are instead inundated with the useless sub-plots not even worth mentioning. This mess of a story line all leads up to a group of WWII vets wearing aviators walking in slow motion to ACDC’s “Thunderstruck” as they come to save the day by fighting on their OWN ship, which happens to be a museum. Honestly, I’m not making this shit up. We were practically pissing ourselves.
Taylor Kitsch, that hot guy from the “John Carter” trailer (did anyone see that movie?) plays our slacker/screw up hero Lieutenant Alex Hopper and gives a series of intense and furrowed close ups that had me begging him to just take his shirt off and shut up.
The films saving grace, if it has one, is the fact that its convoluted script comes off so forced and unnatural that it borders on comedic. In her film debut, Rihanna, who plays Cora Raikes, the hot headed female naval officer (was Michelle Rodriguez unavailable?) offers up some of the film’s best/worst one liners, “My daddy told me one day they would come.” My friend and I were ACTUALLY waiting for her to use one of her song lyrics as a line in the film. I would have died.
If anyone manages to float while the rest of the film sinks it’s True Blood’s sexy Alexander Skarsgard who was completely wasted as Hopper’s responsible older brother, Stone. This film could have benefited from a lot more of him and a lot less of the dull sub-plots.
At the end of the day, the film was nothing less than expected from a movie based on a board game. It was contrived, over-the-top and lacked any real character depth. Having said that, if you’re looking for a visually appealing movie with a lot of action, explosions, and a solid score, then this may just be the movie for you. I think I’d rather just put in my Armageddon DVD and watch Ben Affleck play with animal crackers.
Movie Rating: 2 out of 5 stars