Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Alasia continued to ignore my sage advice that the bitchy villainess NEVER wins Top Model. She kept right on gettin’ all up in gurrrrls’ faces. Dramz. Brenda, the hot ginger who was totally torpedoed by a HEINOUS “TYover, got the boot after the Cycle’s first CoverGirl shoot. Who will be eliminated tonight? And how much Alasia booshizzle am I going to have to put up with tonight?

We start off this week with Angelea bragging about getting best picture from last week. She confesses that seeing her picture displayed as digital art is better than sex. Ummm… really? Krista thinks she needs to step it up and get on top of the leader board. Even if she needs to beat some girls and they’re mommas up too. She is gonna do whatever it takes to get best photo. Alexandra, meanwhile, worries that she’s not good enough and can’t win. You know what sweetie… you’re not.

The next morning, former model and past judge, Pat Cleveland shows up at the house with lame ass reality star I don’t know Whitney Port. They’re at the house to offer up some mentoring. Pat Cleveland looks like a drag queen. Speaking of drag queens, the girls get all dolled up and go to some club party hosted by Paulina, the Princess of Power. Ummm… actually… that would be She-Ra. I would know. Who is this imposter?

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Anyways, a dragalicious Tyra comes out and tried her best Tyrant impersonation. “I (long dramatic pause) have (even longer dramatic pause) four photos in my hand”. Fail! Tommy D did it so much better in Homorazzi’s own spoof. Hit it girl!

After some hawt dragging, Miss J comes out and announces it’s time for a runway challenge. Alexandra is shitting bricks. Her last runway attempt involved a catastrophic fall down the stairs and a beat down by a pendulum. Maybe she’ll do something just as special tonight. Here’s hoping. Well… she didn’t fall, but she did look like a donkey stomping on some pig shit. The winner was picked by audience applause. Anslee got none… Krista won.

Ok… let’s discuss this photo shoot by photographer Jerry Metellus. OMG. The hair! Hair everywhere. Some of the girls pulled off some hot shots, but they all look like Addams Family REJECTS. Even better, they could be playing little Michael Baskin’s fairy godmother in the 1985 CLASSIC, The Peanut Butter Solution. I know I totally just dated myself but I was all over that movie as a spry freckly six year old. Sigh. It actually scared the shit out of me for a so-called “heart warming” family flick. Just like this photo shoot.

So who rocked the hair, long beautiful hair, hair everywhere, daddy daddy… HAIR HAIR HAIR HAIR!

ANSLEE
This looks like a crimping machine attacked her with some cornrows from hell. And it shows in her face. She’s trying to give fierce, but she just looks fiendish. The devil’s curly braids are whipping around her, but she’s soooo stiff. The judges were really lukewarm .

RAINA
First things first. I adore Raina, and she managed to make this trHAIRavesty work. Her jump looks effortless and she’s relaxed. Her eyes are cutting through all the crazy and she’s connecting. Too bad she looks like Cousin It mated with a 1980s samurai warrior. What is up with the hair shoulder pads? The judges really loved it.

JESSICA
This is another gorgeous shot from her. She really is floating and I love her actual hair styling… not the horse tutu… but her actual ‘do. The judges gave her props, but she’s bound to get in trouble at some point for being too good. You know Tyrant… there’s always a girl “who is consistent from week to week, but is she improving. The judges aren’t sure if she can grow anymore”… Translation… you’re too good for my show and we need to get rid of you because winning this thing is career suicide.

ANGELEA
Bwahahahahaha. This may be the WORST photo I have seen this far into the competition. HID-E-OUS! What is on her hand? What is that dress? What is with the hairy tits? What is wrong with her face! Why does it look like she’s falling but both feet are on the ground. If this haggardness is not enough to send her home, I am gonna writre Tyrant one nasty email. Unbelievably, the judges actually liked it. WTF. Tyrant… check your inbox.

ALEXANDRA
I totally forgot she was still on the show. You know why? She’s just meh. Average, mediocre, so-so… blah blah blah. Problem is… if you’re gonna be a plus-size winner, you need to be so much more and she certainly is not. This shot is just weird. It doesn’t look like her legs are where they’re supposed to be. Bad airbrushing maybe? Nigel and ALT are both worried about her awkwardness.

KRISTA
I want to like this shot because she’s being pretty fierce… but all I can think about is Best In Show. She looks like an overly primped standard poodle. The judges wet themselves over her. Tyra said all her shots were great.

ALASIA
Damn. I dislike her soooo much, but this is a pretty hot photo. FML. I actually dig this hairy nightmare of a gown. And, she looks very regal in it. She’s channelling that beauty shot YaYa did way back in Cycle 3. Good work bitch. ALT likes her feet and says she could be in an Alexander McQueen show.

At panel, the guest judge is Whitney Port. I still don’t know who she is. Tyrant is also wearing another heinous jump suit. Stop wearing heinous jump suits. Heinous jump suits are NEVER going to happen.

What happened next… I don’t even want to write about it. It was so baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Get it?

Seriously, Tyrant… you have done some stupid shit in the past, but this one takes the cake. LAME. The judges all pretend to be sleepy. They’re yawning, pulling out pillows, and trying to take a nap. Then some hot(ish) guy comes out saying he’s the shepherd. He drags out some poor little sheep as cardboard clouds descend from the ceiling. The judges then reach out and “catch some zees”. Literally. They start pulling off Zs from the shiteous clouds. OMG. This is the big trip reveal… i’m going to barf.

The six girls who move forward are going to the world’s greatest fashion capital… New Zealand! Wah wahhhh. New Zealand? WTF. I Get that they need to keep the show fresh, but I think enough time has passed between seasons that we can revisit some actual fashion capitals like Milan and Paris.

With that ridiculousness aside, Krista was called first. It should’ve been Raina, but that would have messed up the editor’s storyline that was full of Krista wanting to be called first confessionals. Somehow, Angelea was called second. GASP. She is so haggard. Raina was called third, followed by Jessica and Alasia. That left Anslee and Alexandra in the bottom two. I thought for sure Alexandra was going home, but Anslee got the boot instead.

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