Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant introduced us to 7 new American wannabes and 7 returning wannabes from previous Cycles of Britain’s Next Top Model. It’s just one more gimmick in her never ending arsenal of craptasticness. The photoshoot was a total hit and miss mess with lots of bad styling and awkward trampoline jumping. Not the best start we’ve ever had. But thankfully Tyrant gave us some red, white, and blue walk-off/trash talk action. Who doesn’t love a trashing talkin’ walk off!!! At panel, Seymone was called out first, which was ridiculous. Tyrant was just trying to suck up to Michelle Obama. The first cut went to Britain (obviously… as if Tyrant would cut an American first) and we lost the lovely Jasmia. Which girl will make a move on another girl first? How many god-awful outfits will Miss and Mr. J wear? Will Tyrant once again try to insist she isn’t biased? Only 13 wannabes remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Side note from ANTM… did you people watch Survivor tonight? OMFG. Can’t wait to read the recaps on that! I was so uncomfortable watching the vaguely racist, intensely classist, and deeply disturbing display of cultural insecurity. Colton is a nightmare. Gives all us gays a bad name… well maybe just the gay Republicans out there. That kid is awful. He needs a little Tyrant tirade a la Tiffany. Learn something from this!

On with the show! We start off this week with Laura doing a good ol’ U-S- A fist pump chant in confessional. I seriously hope we are not going to get this kind of patriotic cheerleading all Cycle long. I’d rather see angry girls claw each other over spotty mirrors and stolen granola bars. Seymone also celebrates her win with a box FULL of swag for Team America. Woah. The producers are serious about splitting this group up along patriotic lines. Cue some bitching from Team Britain! Sophie says it was bull that five Brits were in the bottom. The all commit to smashing the Yanks.

When Tyra Mail arrives, we get some skit about a leaked email. OMG. Makeovers! I totally forgot about makeovers. Hell yes! Bring on the mother effing tears bitches. The email went on about crazy cuts and colours. We’re talking pink, blue, half shaved, you name it. This could be another shameless Tyrant fakeout, or… she’s going for edge. I hope it’s real! Salon superstar Sally Hershberger was there to help get it all done… and it’s not “makeovers”, it’s “shakeovers”. Wow. Maybe this is for real.

AzMarie, with the already shaved head got some sort of graffiti lines shaved into the back of her head. I think it said ANTM. Barf. The first model to put up a fight was Brit Louise. She said her agency would have a fit if she ended up with a brown bob. She put up a fight, got to keep some of the blonde, but they went super short. She laughs/snarks that she’s the new Justin Beebs. Lol. Seymone got a light brown weave. Umm… what’s edgy about that? Wah wah. Annaliese got a big huge teased fro. Kind cool. Catherine went from brunette to MAGENTA. OMFG. Crazy. Alisa got the half shaved look. One side shaved, the other side all long and weavey. I like it. Very now. Ashley went from fairly plain dark brown to fairly plain light brown. Another wah wah. Kyle hit the money with some fierce new bangs and blonde hair. Way better than the black ‘do she was rocking. Totally different model now. Candace is another wah wah one. Just a weave. Mariah kept most of her look, but she got some nice bangs. She’s worried she won’t be able to wear a proper braid though. Whatever. Laura got some serious red, white, and platinum blonde. Modern punk. I like it. Sophie ended up rocking some soft pink hair which I’m digging. Eboni got burned by a curling iron and cried, then she got some stupid Pomeranian hair with pig tails. NOT cute.

After some strange food challenge the girls finally started yelling at each other. The Brits started plotting to psych out the Americans too. Quite devious actually. They’re teaming up to chip away at the confidence with sneaky snide comments. Hilarious.

The next day, the wannabes all meet Mister J for the next photoshoot. Waiting in the wings is “Momager” Kris Jenner. The Brits love her. Also on hand is photographer Douglas Friedman and Kris Jenner’s daughters Kendall and Kylie. Good lord. When did ANTM become the dumping ground for all the other reality TV trash around town. They will be posing as toddlers in some bizarre Addams Family meets the Kardashians set up. I’m not sure I’m following.

Seymone & Annalise

Seymone seemed to struggle, Jay thought she was missing as a spark. I loved Annaliese’s look, but the final photo is not working. The judges all hated it. Kelly thought Annaliese looked like Diana Ross on crack…erjacks. Hahaha. Love it. Seymone just looks bored.

Kyle & Mariah

These two struggled with their body positioning at first, but after a fix from the photographer they seemed to find their way. Mariah wins this one. She nailed the same look that the Jenner girls have going on. Kris was a big fan of that. Tyrant though Kyle looked too ”conscious”. I think she looks pretty. Tyrant is NOT loving Mariah though. Too sexy. Kelly hates the whole photo and says it would cost her a client. Ouch.

Laura, Sophie & Catherine

It’s the battle of the crazy hair colours. I actually really love the styling of these three. And there is A LOT going on in the final photo. Catherine looks like she popped out of a Katy Perry video and Laura looks like she’s gonna squeeze out a deuce. But it works. Nigel loved the whole photo. Kelly and Kris loved that Laura emulated the creepy baby.

Candace & Eboni

The bit of the shoot we saw had the two of them looking pretty silly with pouty faces and the final photo isn’t much better. It’s super blah to me, but the judges heaped praise on it. What? They didn’t even show us Candace’s close up.

Azmarie & Ashley

This is a pretty mixed up pair. AzMarie’s look does not translate to toddler very well. It shows in this photo too. Ashley is really outshining her. AzMarie isn’t doing much at all. Kelly said she was disappointed and Nigel felt she could have done a lot more.

Louise & Alisha

Louise said she was too star struck to focus. Really? I don’t even know who this Jenner person is. She’s a Kardashian? Can someone explain this to me? It’s a great photo, but the judges thought Louise was too sexy and Alisha too twisted.

At panel, Kris Jenner was back with Tyrant, Nigel and Kelly Cutrone to judge the wannabes. It was another week of just so-so photos. I think Tyrant needs to go back to basics a bit and deliver some single model shots with fewer bells and whistles. Ultimately, best photo went to creepy baby Laura. She was followed by runner up Ashley. Then it was Eboni (what?!), Catherine, Candace (another what?!), Kyle, Sophie, Annaliese, Louise, Alisha (the Brits are all safe), and AzMarie. That left Mariah and Seymone in the bottom 2. Mariah’s photo is WAY better than Seymone’s. It’s better than Candace’s, Kyle’s and Eboni’s too. WTF is going on? Mariah is going home. Ugh. The first BS elimination of Cycle 18. Tyrant said “personality prevails”. Whatever.

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