Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Kathy Griffin – who the gays normally love all sorts of all the time – was disappointingly boring as a guest judge. Tyrant must’ve threatened to sit on her face if she trashed the show too bad. Speaking of trash, we had a photo shoot dedicated to the heinously ridiculous Snooki and NeNe. Sounds like the noise my mom makes when she sneezes. Predictably, the trashiest girls, Angelea and Lisa did the best while our darling GLBT rep Kayla got the boot. I was pissed. But the good news is that it was a double elimination and Bianca, along with all her drama and egotistical rantings got sent packing too. Will Tyrant keep this train trucking towards trashy? Can Lisa function without Bianca to fight with? Will Angelea say “ghetto”? Only 7 nevergonnabes remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So? Spill it. How was everybody’s Halloween? I had a great time dressed as the amazing Leeloo Dallas. It was epic. I will NEVER forget my 2am walk down Granville (Vancouver’s straight club district) street in that wig, those heels, and those little white strips of ribbon. I’m a little pissed though at my fourth place finish (ahem… 3rd Runner Up) at the club’s costume contest. I got beat out by some trainwreck tranny Cleopatra, a robot, and a giant red bird. What. The. Fuck. No respect for the Multipass.
We start off this week recapping last week’s surprising double boot. They’re all giddy over Bianca’s ouster. Lisa lets us know that it is in fact “karma” that got her top photo. Ummm… no. It was because you got to be trashy. Then, out of nowhere, we get “internet sensation” Madison delivering this week’s Tyra Mail. Ummm. WTF. Never heard of you. Buh bye.
Later that night, Mr. J showed up at the house to talk about “going viral”. Oh… now I get it! This is about modeling. This isn’t about branding. It’s all about artificial fame whoring. Cute! The girls are going to write their own songs and then star in their own videos. Oh shit. This is gonna get messy. Angelea is already bragging. Lisa is stoked because she’s done it before (pashaw!). Allison is scared sh*tless. Tom Polce from CBS Records is there to help them out. They were given 20 minutes each to write some lyrics to a pre-recorded track. The judge identified Lisa and Angelea as the two standouts. Lisa won. Ugh. She’s getting a special visit from her fiancé (who is actually kinda cute) as a prize.
The next day, they all showed up at the Village recording studio to lay down their tracks. Oh… and to make things super sophisticated… gag me with sarcasm… Tyrant has decided the girls have to include “Pot Ledom” in their songs. That’s “Top Model” spelled backwards. You know… for a second there I almost forgot that we were dealing with an egomaniac. Just for a second. It was a great second. Everything about this was a mess. Allison was a total mess. She was freaking out. Oh no! Thankfully, she pulled it together, reworked her song got the stupid “Top Lamedom” into it… and delivered what kinda sounded like an epic electrofunky Scandinavian pop Roysksopp-ish tune. I heart her. The only other good thing about the whole situation was Dominique’s song title… “Tooch Ya Booty”. Werq!
Next up… it’s the video and photo shoot to go along with the songs! To keep things spicy… ie get Angelea wet… Mr. J brought in Game… you know… the rapper. Yeah… I’m, drawing a blank too. But Angelea sure isn’t. She is pacing and gasping and acting a damn fool. He is gonna be their director. Oh…and Tyrant is gonna guest star in the videos too. Can’t have something maybe go viral if she’s not part of it! That crazy Keenan Cahill guy is there too. He’s actually funny. Too bad their inclusion actually kinda ruins all the final products! Stupid Tyra.
She was pretty much rocking J-Lo… BOOTY and all for “Tooch Ya Booty”. The final cut is actually pretty good… even if it was just a drag queen Jennifer Lopez rip off. The judges liked it and nick named her JaYonce. A little J-Lo and Beyonce. Hmmm. Maybe. A little. Just the tip.
Her song, “Go Go Go” wasn’t super heinous, just heinous. She looked kinda trashy in the shoot. Game was not loving her performance. Her final video is weird. She actually seems like she can sing… maybe even some classical training… but it’s just so boring. Tyrant definitely thought she underperformed considering her song was as good as it was.
She looked really pretty in the shoot (“World Go Round”) and her voice… all autotuned… isn’t actually that bad. The final video is cute… reminded me a little of Faith Hill circle This Kiss. Nigel and Tyrant did NOT love it though. Game definitely agreed with my Faith Hill reference though. Gurl!
Obviously, she looked like a 90s hooker singing “I Be Like Whoa!” But… I have to admit her “rapping” was okay. Her final cut is ridiculous. I hate it. She can move and perform, but I would never watch more than 5 second of this over the top silliness. ALT, however, loved it and compared it to Missy. SAY WHAT!
She definitely went for the teeny bobber thing in “Southern Sweet Girl”… but I wasn’t feeling it during the shoot. Too spastic. The final cut is TERRIBLE. Way too much clichéd nonsense. Nigel thought it was adorable though. ALT thought it was “giddy, fun and charming”.
She actually looked pretty fierce in her “I’m Here” shoot. The song wasn’t that bad, but Game wasn’t super impressed. She was not selling it. Her final cut was a little Kelis… in the Milkshake and Hate You So Much era… except really dull. She went for angry but fell flat. ALT totally agreed with me. Game too.
Her song, “Underwater“, is all about her Dad who died last year. Sad. She looks text book Allison though. Game loved everything about her. He said her face looked like a “work of art”. I said Royksopp earlier, but the whole styling and feel of the shoot felt more like Goldfrapp’s“A&E” song and video. LOVED IT. The final cut is CRAZY good. It’s creepy. It’s pretty. It’s intense. It’s definitely current. Nigel thought it was extraordinary. Game called her “weirdly beautiful”. Tyrant said it was mesmerizing,… then the camera cut to Lisa who is no shitting her cocky pants. Lol.
At panel, Game is back to help make the cut. Despite some early worry about this week’s challenge and shoot, Allison was called first! Her video was by far the best. Yay! Take that Lisa! Enjoy runner up! After Lisa, it was Dominique, Laura, and Shannon. That left Angelea and AlexHATEdria in the bottom two. Oh please please please… send AlexHATEdria home! Yes! Finally. Angelea is safe.
To check out all high-res pics from this episode, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.