Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Camille, our darling whacko wannabe from Cycle 2, was eliminated after a very lackluster run this year. I’m disappointed because we never really got to see her stomp out her signature walk that was going to make her famous but didn’t because she was never really that good. Oh Camille. On the flip side, Angelea is making some sort of epic come back. She went from the bottom two to top photo in one week. Tyrant sure is pimping this girl and her “ghetto bitch” storyline. God I hate Tyrant. On the flip side of that, I still love Allison who has been on an impressive roll this cycle. Can she keep it up? Will Angelea continue to be Tyrant’s obvious rags to riches fairy tale princess? Will Kayla rebound from her puke-a-thon slash was it actually some kind of OD as loyal reader Robyn has speculated? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Last week, you’ll recall that I devoted my fave second paragraph to how pissy I was. Sorry about that. Today, life is grand. I have a non-fat, no whip pumpkin spice latte sitting beside me, the planning for New Years’ Eve in Puerto Vallarta is well underway, and I just found out that the boys from the Island (AKA Victoria, BC)are coming over for Bearracuda in Vancouver next week. Stoked! Who doesn’t love a bear/cub/otter/wolf dance party!? Woof. Also, I have Avril’s yeah-ye-ah ye-ah-yeah-ah stuck in head.

We start off this week in the bus with Lisa and Bre lamenting their lower placements from last week. They’re stressed. Bre thought she was gonna be a front runner because she’s been “working” the last six years. Gurl please. Where you been working? Lisa then warns us that it is game on and she is going to go all out to brand herself on this ANTM All Stars platform. She actually used the word “explosive”. Oh shit. Crazy Lisa is coming back. Maybe she’ll shit in some diapers this time, not just piss. That would be fun.

Back at the house, Angelea screams and brags about her 716 picture. Also, I’m supes totes 604 and 778. What up bitch! She confesses that she “popped” when she was on TV during her cycle but never got signed by any major agency. Bahahaha. Of course not gurl. The online community named you TRANgelea! She says this is her shot because it’s more than just modelling, it’s about branding. For fuck’s sake Tyrant. We get it. Please tell your editors that we don’t need to hear it every 4 minutes. You’re looking for a story, a caricature, not a real model. But please… please, don’t let it be the “ghetto bitch” just because you’re trying to make up for your failure with Tiffany. “We were all rooting for you!” PS… have you seen Ryan Steele’s amazeballs re-enactment of that epic scene with Jeff Lynch. You must watch it. You may even catch a glimpse of Tyrell and Patrick in drag. Watch below and giggle.

Bianca then goes on a little whine-a-thon about how she’s not living up to her potential and she should be doing better. Ugh. Over her. None of these girls are talking sense… wait. OMG. Dominique to the rescue! Bianca thinks she’s above all this, but to Dominique, “you can never be above an opportunity”. Wow. Who knew? Gurl made some sense. Preach sister. Preach.

But we ain’t done with Bianca just yet. Holy smokes, they’ve packed a lot into the last four minutes. Lovely, sweet, never nude but loves slutty bathing suits Shannon has come up with a system to allocate phone time. That way, everyone gets a chance to talk to loved ones. But, Bianca thinks the system is screwed up so she goes to confront Shannon. I didn’t notice any outright crazy, but Shannon IMMEDIATELY starts crying. Bianca calls her “The Crying Christian” in a confessional. Hahaha. Love it. Then Lisa gets involved and now the two of them are yelling, Shannon’s still crying, Laura and Allison run away, and Kayla minds her own business. Lisa drops a good line about Bianca in confessional… “she’s afraid of dogs, well I’m a pitbull” and Bianca returns while recapping the fight with Bre… “Celebrity Rehab 4, 5, and 6 is calling her name”. Yes! This round goes to Bianca. Seriously, it’s only six minutes in. I’m pooped. These girls are ferosh.

Later that day, the girls meet up with Miss J at the Santa Monica pier. She lets the wannabes know that they will be doing a little runway show challenge on a moving carousel. Ooooh. The hashtag fail possibility is high and I love it! Even better… or is it worse… they’ll be modeling from the Kardashian collection. Huh. Who knew that was even a thing? The Kardashian sisters are all in attendance as well. They seriously look like hooker train wrecks at a gay Halloween party. The winner gets a full Kardashian outfit. Oh yay! Insert epic eye roll.

Lisa actually did pretty well… got on and off a horse with ease, showed some flare and had a good walk down the runway. Allison was not as graceful exiting the carousel. She got turned around and stumbled a bit, but delivered a good walk. Angelea also stumbled and made a whole lot of weird noises. Miss J said she was like someone’s “alcoholic aunt”. Kayla almost bit it too. I thought her ankle was going to break, but she too recovered. Bre pretty much nailed the runway. She spun on purpose coming off the carousel which gave her the control she needed to enter into a good walk. Laura and Dominique got by. Bianca did okay, but the Kardashian girls thought she lacked energy. Shannon was ok and AlexHATEdria looked a little rushed. Ultimately, it was a tie. Bre and Lisa took home the prize.

The Bianca drama continued backstage when Miss J called her out for looking pissed. That opens up the flood gate. She’s crying, she’s talking about going home, she said none of the other girls deserve it. Yadda yadda yadda. Miss J must be cursing her big mouth. Oh god. I’m over it. I can’t recap anymore. Drama continued. Crying happened. Girls bitched. Bre came to the rescue and told her to suck it up. Let’s move on.

The next day, the wannabes meet up with Mr. J back at Siren Studios. They find out that they will be portraying Michael Jackson in this week’s photoshoot. Interesting. This one has got to be in the bag for Angelea and Dominique. They’re already so draggy. Michael’s former stylist Rushka is on hand to style them with photographer Tim Petersen. Oh… and LaToya Jackson is there too. That nose! So heinous.

Bianca

She’s got the early 80s look. Pretty iconic. Can she pull it off? She was definitely moving well and impressing Rushka. It looks like she took Bre’s advice. I love what Bianca is doing with the lower half of her body in the photo. It is so Michael. But the top half is confused. I’m struggling to believe that this is actually the best photo. She was showing way more during the shoot. Nigel says it’s too soft and confused.

Bre

Also rocking an 80s look, Bre really looked the part. You could hear LaToya and Rushka gasping in the background. The photo is total Michael Jackson. En pointe! Wow. To do that and have a relaxed expression is pretty impressive. Nigel confused me though when he said he was “nervous” that he saw only “Michael” and not “Bre”. Huh?

AlexHATEdria

She had the Late 90s. She seemed to do well on the shoot, but we didn’t see much of her. Nigel really loved that he could see her personality in the photo. I actually think it is one of the worst in the bunch. It’s too soft and safe.

Angelea

She was rocking late 80s and was super stoked for the shoot. She seemed to struggle with reigning in that enthusiasm though. Despite her confidence, the judges did not love this photo. I thought it was going to be great, but found myself agreeing with the critique that she was not showing off any lines. The intensity in her face is hot, but there’s nothing going on with her body.

Dominique

Another late 80s look. She was doing really well with the movements. Very Michael. LaToya and Rushka were clapping for her. The judges didn’t say much but liked that it was in-character and “modelesque”.

Kayla

Early 80s. She had Michael’s moves DOWN. Wow. She was going up on her toes, doing the finger point, ripping open her shirt. Rushka was LOVING it. She even got a high five from the photographer. The photo is totally dynamic. LaToya loved that it actually looked like she was preforming. ALT loved the tension in her hands and neck.

Shannon

Late 80s and covered in bling. Like a lot of the other girls, she had a really good sense of the movements you need for Michael. Lots of enthusiasm from Rushka again. The photo definitely turned out great. Her angles are awesome. LaToya loved how she really became the character from “Bad”.

Laura

She was literally rocking the 90s look. Laura was so great with the move from her knees to her does with a hot back bend. Wow. So Michael. The photo is amazing. There’s movement and elegance. ALT loves the grace and nobility in the photo, Nigel says it’s memorable, and Tyrant was all smiles too.

Allison

Poor girl. She got the 60s Jackson 5 look. Hahaha. She looks like a clown, but the photographer was LOVING what she was doing. It’s actually not my favourite photo of the bunch or of Allison. I don’t love what she’s doing with her mouth, but the judges loved it. ALT called it wonderful. LaToya said she captured the essence of the era… also Donny Osmond. Hahaha. Tyrant said it was very “Italian Vogue”. Wow. I don’t get it and I love Allison.

Lisa

Thriller. ‘nuff said. She just danced. Like actually danced. She even did a mad split leap that had everyone in the room cringing when she hit the floor, but the photographer knew he had the shot. I think the photo is pretty epic in that she nailed a split leap, but ALT is HATING it. He hates everything about it and calls it the weakest link of the whole cycle. Wow. Nigel laments that the splits seem to be the only thing she can pull off. Tyrant tries to defend Lisa saying that a signature move is good this cycle because it’s about making a statement, but the men are not buying it. Conflict!

At panel, LaToya Jackson is back to help judge this week’s shoot. And in a Top Model first, or so Tyrant says (yeah right), the guest judge ranked the entire order. Interesting! So what did LaToya (ahem Tyrant) decide? First place goes to Laura! Yay. I love what she did. Next up were Shannon and Dominique. They were followed by Allison, AlexHATEdria, Kayla, and Bre. That means Bianca, Angelea, and Lisa are in the bottom three. Crazy! Bianca, after all the drama got the save leaving Lisa and Angelea in the bottom two. SUPER CRAZY. Maybe LaToya did make the list! I can’t believe Tyrant or her editors were ready to see either of these girls go home. PSYCH! They’re both fucking safe. UGH UGH UGH. Seriously WTF. LaToya gave some bonehead speech about how Michael was about love and expression so how could she send anyone home.

Oh Tyrant. You have outdone yourself on this one. What total nonsense. Jump the shark much? I get that this is your show and you get to do whatever the FUCK you want with it, but seriously, enough of the heavy handed manipulations. It only cheapens an already cheap and trashy entertainment fix. Time to reTYRA. Bring back Janice Dickenson. She would never have stood for such bullshit. Amen and suck on that!

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all the pics from this episode, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.