Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the wannabe retreads took part in one of the coolest photo shoots in a while. Up on stilts, most of the girls delivered interesting shots. Sadly for Isis, her 70s porn star look just didn’t cut it and she got cut. Tee hee. Did you catch the inappropriate gender reassignment surgery joke? I’m a big fan of Isis’ message and determination, but she just wasn’t a model. Now if only Tyrant would get rid of Camille, Angelea, AlexHATEdria, Bre, Bianca, and Lisa I would be happy. This week, some man meat is coming to the photo shoot. I’m excited. But will Kayla have another lesbian panic attach in the presence of beefy studs? Will Jay roll his eyes? Will Angelea bring hood ghetto bitch? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Caution. I am in a MOOD tonight. This may be bitchier than usual. Sorry. Work was frustrating, traffic was a nightmare, boys are dumb, and the barista gave me whip when I said NO WHIP. Seriously? I am grumpy. If Tyrant does anything to piss me off tonight, I will rage. That being said, the new Florence + and the Machine song… Shake it Out… is amazing. It makes me feel better. “It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off”. Imma gonna try Flo. Imma gonna try. On with the show!

We start off with all the girls admiring Allison’s booty tooch photo. OMG. I forgot about the booty tooch. I feel happier already. Thank you booty tooch. You’re the best thing that has happened to me all day. After that we get some Angelea pity party about being in the bottom two. Then Lisa cracks open the wine with some montage footage of her being a drunken crazy person during her season. Lulz. But then she tells us she’s no longer drinking. Shit! That sucks… I mean it’s good, but it sucks. Drunken Lisa is ridiculously funny. I she eating scrambled eggs while the girls all drink wine? Random.

Then, as if Tyrant is trying to kill my momentary good mood from the booty tooch, we get a sob story confessional from Camille about how she is 33 and has responsibilities the other girls don’t have. OMFG. She’s 33! I’m not even 33. I’m a spry 32. What the hell is she doing on this show? They don’t even let 33 year olds on American Idol. She is old… well… older than me anyways. But not as old as Donovan. He’s old. (Editors Note: Rich is a beyotch 😉

Woah! And then out of nowhere… DRAMA. Kayla is hyperventilating, crying, puking! Bianca and Allison are heroes and try and help her… Bianca gets production involved and here comes the AMBULANCE. WTF is going on? Cue commercial. Oh Tyrant. Way to milk it.

When we get back, the girls are all fretting, but Kayla is nowhere in sight. Just after 2 am she comes back with Laura in tow (awww did she go and keep her company?) and gets a round of hugs from all the girls. Turns out she had cardiac arrhythmia. She seems ok. Phew. Let’s move on.

The next day, the girls all meet up with Mr. Jay. They’re on set to audition for a roll in C.S.I. Wow. That’s kinda big. Bianca tells us she’s the only good enough to actually be an actress. Mmmmhmmm. Humble too. Joining Mr. Jay in today’s festivities is Anthony Zuiker, the Executive Producer of C.S.I. They each have 30 minutes to memorize a scene. This should be a riot. They have a bunch of crazy terms like “gas chromatograph mass spectrometer” in the script. It’s like a lash blast long lasting colour fusion mega shine lip smacker from CoverGirl!

As for the auditions, Camille was shaking, Kayla was cute, Shannon was an also-ran, Laura was bubbly, Dominique was stressed, Allison was calm but forgetful, Bianca made up shit, AlexHATEdria was a letdown, Lisa swore a bunch and was pretty much awful, Angelea actually kinda nailed it (say what!), and Bre was pretty natural too. It’s definitely between those two for the win. It’s Bre! See you on CBS gurl! Angelea is pissed.

The next day, the girls all head to the photoshoot for Express clothes. Of course, the winner of this Cycle gets a national ad campaign with Express so this is a pretty big deal. That being said, we all know how ANTM likes to exaggerate their prizes. However, Lisa Gavales, Chief Marketing Officer for Express is on set. These girls better work it! They will all have a role to play… the ‘girlfriend’, the ‘flirt’, the ‘socialite’, and the ‘cool chick’. Also on set are photographer Alvaro Goveia and some seriously cute male models. Hi Joshua, it’s me Rich. Call me. Seriously.

Angela – Socialite

She’s going for the whole “rich bitch” kinda vibe and it was working for her on set. Jay was really into what she was throwing down. She was working my man Joshua too. Grabbing his tie and shit. Gurl back off! The Express woman was loving Angelea too. I actually like the photo. I don’t think she’s giving pretty face, but the styling really worked in her favour. Tyrant thinks she looks like “new money”.

Kayla – Cool Chick

She looked cool, but the Express lady was not impressed with how she was fiddling with the big furry hat. Jay was worried she was going for to posey. As for the photo, she nailed it. The guest judge thought it was “provocative” and Nigel loved her icy look and called her hip.

Allison – Girlfriend

I think she looked gorgeous on set… but Express lady said something kinda weird. She said, “when she doesn’t look at the camera, she’s great”. Uh oh. Sounds Like Lisa is not a fan of Allison’s unique look. But Jay was loving it. Her photo is gorgeous. Nigel loved how relaxed and committed she was. ALT said it totally worked.

Bre – Flirt

She looked cute in the gold on set, but I think it seemed a little slutty to be “flirting” with all those boys. Hussy. The photo actually came out a lot less hoochy than she was portraying. It’s cute and playful.

Dominique – Cool Chick

We didn’t get much her on set action, but from what we did see, I wasn’t loving the styling. It seemed old and very draggy. As for the photo, the judges liked it. They said it was the right amount of sexy. I can’t get over the curves! It’s kinda J-Lo.

Bianca – Flirt

She told Jay she wanted to “push the limit of flirt”. Oh dear. She went slutty, then posey, then OMFG… she and Jay have a little chat and she criticizes the nature of the shoot… that getting a “word” to model doesn’t happen in the “real world of modeling”. Jay is not taking this well. THEN, she says, “Out of all the girls here, I’m the model”. Oh shit. She went there. Jay gave her a good smack down in a confessional. Nice. As for the photo, it’s definitely more towards sexy than flirty, but her face looks blank. Nigel totally agrees with me. Tyrant thinks the boys delivered more flirt.

Shannon – Girlfriend

She looked good in the clothes, but Lisa from Express said she wasn’t the type of girl they would book. She “skews a little too commercial”. Ouch. I’m kinda meh with this photo. It’s a little too average. Nigel likes the commercialism of it though. She’s showing off the various items really well and it shows that she is actually a working model. Interesting.

Laura – Flirt

She seemed to impress. Both Jay and Lisa thought she was “cute” and “pretty”. As for the photo, she definitely stands out from the boys and it’s cute. Not wow. Just cute. ALT said she looked like a star. Tyrant loved her sweetness.

AlexHATEdria – Socialite

Good lord. I was NOT loving the styling. She looked too… 80s corporate. Jay said she was too “madam”. Tyrant didn’t think she delivered in the photo… it was too old. I agree. But I’m not gonna blame the girl on her own. The styling didn’t help at all.

Camille – Socialite

She was pretty low energy and you could tell the client wasn’t very impressed. Jay was longing for the “old Camille”. Ummm… she is old. As for the photo… blah. The judges were pretty harsh. They said the boys look far more engaged than she did. Girl is in trouble.

Lisa – Cool Chick

Right off the bat she was trying too hard… jumping around and stuff. Jay was not loving it. Then she jumped in their arms and finally got an ok shot. But, it’s not really good at all. It’s kinda weird. ALT thinks its “bogus”. Nigel was not impressed with Lisa’s excuses. She looks happy, but it just doesn’t look like a fashion shot.

At panel, Anthony Zuiker was back as the guest judge. Angelea ended up getting the first call out. From the bottom to the top! Didn’t see that coming. Dominique got runner up. Didn’t see that coming either! Allison, thankfully, was called third. She was followed by Laura, Kayla, Shannon, Bre, Bianca, and AlexHATEdria. That left Lisa and Camille in the bottom two. Please send Camille home! Yes! She and her horse walk are out of here! To be fair, she was not nearly as craze balls as the first time we saw her. Bye gurl.

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

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