Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant blessed us makeovers for her two-time wannabes. Most of them ended up looking the same, a few came out a bit less haggard, one or two actually looked better, and poor Bre looked like Late 80s pop band reject. Sadly, AlexHATEdria was one of the girls that came out looking better. That pissed me off. Then, she didn’t suck at the photo shoot. THEN, Sheena got eliminated. WTF. First Brittany, now Sheena. Tyrant is literally trying to kill me. One of the haggard old dramz girls better get the boot this week. But does Tyrant even give a shit about what her audience wants? Will Mr. J wear something bedazzled? Will his hair ever come unglued? Who will be eliminated tonight?

This week in paragraph two I would like to address the breaking news that Andre Leon Talley is out as judge for Cycle 18 of America’s Next Top Model. My thoughts? Meh. I will miss “gauche” and “drekitude”, but will be delighted to see his muumuus fade off into the ANTM graveyard of cast off judges. His replacement? Kelly Cutrone… a Public Relations “maven”. She’s feisty, but I guess this means Tyrant’s experiment with actual “fashion” in Cycles 15 and 16 will be replaced by her current drive for branding. Ugh.

On to the show! We start off this week with Lisa being surprisingly humble about her win for best photo. She tells us nobody’s safe. Cut to Isis who says she’s safe because she has “star quality”. Not looking like a 70s porn star you don’t! OMG. Her hair, the earrings, the top… it’s all wrong. Back at the house, Allison hits the confessional booth in a strange animal head hat to tell us how strange she is. She tells us that she just needs to let the confidence she has shine through. Amen sister. Love you.

The next day, Kristin Cavallari showed up at the house to chat with the girls. I’m gonna be straight with ya’ll… I have no idea who she is. Seriously. I have never watched an episode of The Hills. Shocking right? I’ve only ever seen Patrick’s wigtastic spoofs. Why is she famous? Why am I not famous? Fucking Kristin Cavallari. Wait… she just said she’s from Laguna Beach. What’s that? I thought she was from The Hills. I’m so lost. They talk about being “famous” and life after reality TV… more reality TV. LOL.

Later that day, the girls meet up with Nigel Barker at The Grove, home of Extra. They are going to be interviewed in groups by Mario Lopez for this week’s challenge. Oh my. I just melted. I love Mario Lopez. Remember when he did that Greg Louganis movie? The speedo? Damn gurl. He’s still looking good. The winning team will be SAFE from elimination at the next “judging”. Say WHAT? Is this a double elimination ep? Crazy! Or is a whole team getting immunity. That’s dumb. This isn’t Survivor. The first team is Lisa, AlexHATEdria, Angelea, Dominique, Isis, and Laura. Team 2 is Shannon, Bre, Allison, Kayla, Bianca, and Camille. Girls are talking, but I don’t hear shit because Lisa’s fluorescent green tights are so loud. She looks heinous. It’s like the Village People meets Wham! meets Poison.

Team 2 ended up pulling out the win. Oh thank god. That means Allison is safe. Even BETTER is that Allison actually wins the whole shebang and is going to do a real Extra interview. Amazing. She was cool, calm, collected, and interesting. Bianca said she was the biggest surprise of the challenge.

Back on the bus, Angelea goes off on some “hood ghetto bitch” rant. I don’t know what it’s about, but I just wanted to make sure you all got to read “hood ghetto bitch” a few times. Hood ghetto bitch. Wait it gets better… I must transcribe this… as I hear it.

“Whatever. I’m not gonna get on yere and be all yeeea yeeeah ok cause you want me to be this hood ghetto bitch, that’s what imma be in an interview. No I know how to conduct myself bitch, I worked at a bank. I worked at a bank. You think imma gonna talk like this at a bank? You want a hood bitch? Watch. What.”

Gold.

The next day, the girls meet Mr. J at Siren studios for their photo shoot. It’s gonna be epic. The girls will be up on stilts and posing in pairs. Each pair will have one girl from the team that one the challenge and one girl who lost. Bianca is NOT pleased about going up on stilts. Flashback… remember cycle 2 when they hung the girls up by wires in a warehouse. Little cute Catie totally lost her shit! Awww. Those were the days. BTW, this week’s photographer is Sarah Silver.

Dominique and Kayla

Both Mr. J and Kayla thought Dominique was trying too hard to main her “model” face and it was preventing the two girls from actually getting into a groove together. As for the photo, Dominique’s perseverance to maintain “model face” paid off. She definitely dominates the photo. ALT wants to put the photo in his Salon… but airbrush Kayla out first. Ouch.

Camille and Isis

Oh dear. Not only were the two of them falling all over the place, Camille actually dropped the whole “I have to better than the transgendered model” thing because she’s an “actual real woman”. Oh Camille. Go work on that signature walk right off my TV. K? These two did not deliver a great photo. It was the only one that didn’t wow the judges. It didn’t wow me either. Too much armpit going on.

Lisa and Bianca

Bianca was crying all sorts of tears because she was afraid of heights and Lisa was supes totes pissed. She doesn’t want Bianca to fuck it up for her. J was loving what Lisa was doing with her poses and said he almost forgot Bianca was there. Too bad gurl’s got immunity! Stupid twist. The photo is actually pretty epic. I love Lisa’s kick. The judges were all over it too… Nigel got the LULZ when he asked if Lisa ever takes a photograph with her legs together. Oh snap!

Allison and Angelea

Allison was ROCKING this shoot. J was loving her, the other girls were loving her, the photographer was loving her… everyone was loving her EXCEPT Angelea because “the bitch” was gonna “outshine her”. And you know what? She did. ALT loved the photo… he said it was a “cinematic moment”. He definitely thought Allison was stronger though. Tyrant explained it… Allison had the better “booty tooch”. And then proceeded to show us a “booty tooch”. Face… meet palm.

Bre and Laura

This was the first pair that the photographer was loving as a duo. She said they both nailed it. The photo is great too. They’re both so different and picked such different poses, that the shot is very dynamic. Nigel loves it. ALT is all over it.

Shannon and AlexHATEdria

As a pair, the two look great together… but as people. OMFG. First, we have AlexHATEria being SUPER dramatic with the falling. Second, we have Shannon who is sexing it up in hoochy clothes again… but it’s ok because “it’s a bathing suit, I already checked it out”. Ugh. Aside from all that, the photo is actually pretty amazing. It even got a “whooo child!” from Tyrant. I love what AlexHATEdria is doing with her leg. She pretty much used poor Shannon as a prop. They both look good though.

At panel, the judges were joined by Kristin Cavallari. Six girls are already safe. Shannon, Bre, Allison, Kayla, Bianca, and Camille can stay… but will one of them get top photo? Yes! It’s Allison. That’s awesome. Runner up was Bianca. They’re doing all the safe girls first. Shannon, then Bre, Kayla, and Camille. The first of the girls in trouble was AlexHATEdria. She was followed by Lisa, Laura, and Dominique. That left Angela and Isis in the bottom two. I’d be ok with either of them going home. It’s Isis. She’s leaving us. On her way out, she’s all class.

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all the portfolio and makeover pics, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.