Previously on America’s Next Top Model, all hell broke loose when Bianca decided to go batshit crazy, Bre decided to be her guardian angel, and Shannon decided to be too pious to fight. Even better was that Tyrant pulled out one of her super ridiculously manipulative storyline stunts to prevent one of her favourite batshit crazy drama girls from going home. Oh, here’s an idea. Let’s let batshit crazy LaToya Jackson decide the callout order. But wait, we can’t send Lisa or Angelea home, so let’s let LaToya decide to keep everyone because it’s what her batshit crazy brother would’ve wanted. Ugh. Nightmare. Tyrant better send two of these nevergonnabes home tonight or I will cancel my subscription to Tyra Mail. Will Bianca continue with the meltdown? Can Allison continue to be the best girl in the world? Will Coco Rocha wish she had never brought her hot Canadian booty tooch to this batshit crap fest? Who will be eliminated tonight? 

In honour of all the batshit that is going on tonight, this week’s coveted second paragraph is devoted to Brandon Hantz on the current Survivor. What. The. Fuck. That little weirdo is driving me nuts. I like drama on Survivor, but not when it is brought to us in the confused ramblings of a religiously tormented troll spawn. His obsession with strong, attractive females and their wicked ways is bizarre. His rants and musings about truth, loyalty and God reek of a man brainwashed by monks threatening to castrate him. Enough.  

Okay! On with Top Model! We start off this week backstage after the last non-elimination with the girls celebrating…  I mean complaining about Bianca’s meltdown. She’s a “spoiled brat”  say the girls. She’s a bully blah blah blah. Bianca’s “locked and loaded and ready for war”. I am SOOOOO over this. I was over it last week. I refuse to write any more about it… unless someone does something awesome.  


The next day, the girls all meet Nigel on the beach with Brittny Gastineau (Model/Socialite) and Julie Henderson (“Fiercely Real Supermodel“‘… aka big tits, big hips, big thighs, big sigh Tyrant). It’s a charity challenge. The girls will be divided into two teams and go at each other in flag football. All of the eliminated girls are back too for the game. Cute! I miss Brittany and Sheena! Kayla scores the first point with me pointing out that she should win because she’s a lesbian and all lesbians are good at sports. Lol. Also they all look super cute in matching bandanas, cropped tops, and skanky bathing suit bottoms. Ahem… Shannon… ahem. No word from her on how she looks like a sorority tramp.  

Oooh… and then a bunch of NFL beefcakes arrives. Hello Julian Edelman! Some other guys were there too. During the game, the girls will have to pose when their name is called for an action shot. Winner gets some bling and a BS campaign on Tyrant’s website.  

The game got pretty fierce. They were going AT EACH OTHER. And, the editors had their work cut out for them blurring the heck out of all the ass and cooch that was getting flashed. OMG. So much cooch blurring. The blue team ended up winning, but I wasn’t really paying attention to the game. Too much cooch! Then it was time for Nigel to pick a photo winner. Kayla! Woohoo! 

The next day, the girls all head to meet Mr. J for the photoshoot. He tells them it’s gonna be a “good old bitch fight”. As if we haven’t had enough of those! The big surprise of course is that Coco Rocha is on set! The girls will be working with one of fashion’s biggest stars. Wow. That’s actually kinda crazy. The girls were too stunned to even scream like they usually do. To make it even harder, the girls will be posing in pairs with Coco. The photographer is Douglas Friedman.  

Bianca and Shannon

Shannon is already nervous before the shoot because of last week’s drama. Maybe they can translate their actual drama into a good pic! As for the photo, Coco is rocking it and it’s really hard to even care what the other two are doing. But on close up, Bianca is rocking it. Nigel called her “stunning”. Tyrant said Shannon was upstaged. My problem is that they both look too posed.  

Allison and Kayla

My two fave girls! Kayla’s a little nervous about going up with and be compared to Allison, but hopefully the odd pairing finds a connection. J was actually really unimpressed. He said both of the girls looked like amateurs dangling off Coco’s arms. Uh oh. As for the photo, I actually really like it. There’s a whole lot of movement going on. It looks like a real scene. The girls are actually reacting to what each is doing. ALT agreed with me. He called it “cinematic”. Coco said she was really impressed and surprised at Allison in the photo because she wasn’t expecting such a good shot after the shoot.  

Angelea and Laura

Another totally odd pair. Angelea is unusually quiet. She’s nervous! Laura was loving it though…  she got to do some falling poses. Angelea was just super intimidated by the whole thing. She broke down in the middle of the shoot. Awkward. She bounced back after a little Mr. J pep talk. The actual photo is great. Angelea turned it out. Tyrant, however, was not impressed with Laura. She said it wasn’t model enough.  

AlexHATEdria and Bre

Bre brought out some serious crazy during the shoot. Yelling and screaming and really getting physical. Coco was put off by the whole spectacle. She called it “shocking”  and said she’s never seen anything like it in her professional career. On the other hand AlexHATEdria was actually looking pretty good on the floor. I love Coco in this photo. She is on fire! However, the judges are not loving AlexHATEdria or Bre.  Tyrant says AlexHATEdria looks like a reality tv contestant, not a model. Ummm… Earth to Tyrant. She is a reality tv contestant. ALT was not loving Bre. She looks like a socialite… not a model.

Lisa and Dominique

Lisa looked crazy as always and Dominique actually looked really good. J was impressed with the pairing. Dominique ended up rocking the photo. She is the star and actually draws us in more than Coco. ALT loves the narrative. Lisa going for the crotch is awesome. Love it.  

At panel, Coco Rocha was back guest judge. Dominique ended up getting a much-deserved first call out this week. Runner up was Lisa. She was followed by Bianca, Angelea, Allison, Kayla, Shannon, and Laura. That left Bre and AlexHATEdria in the bottom two. I’d be happy if they BOTH went home! Come on Tyrant! You owe me this. Shit. AlexHATEdria is staying. Bre is outta here.
 

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all high-res pics from this episode, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.