Previously on America’s Next Top Model, a bunch of mostly-dramatic-not-so-fashion-fierce wannabes re-entered the Top Model house for a second shot at winning Tyrant’s favour and taking home the title of America’s Next Top Extra Correspondent. Thankfully, Tyrant didn’t try and cover up the fact that she a’int looking for a model. She’s looking for a brand. How else could you explain Isis getting first call out over Alison? Ridiculous. Even worse was her inexplicable decision to cut Brittany because the live crowd was “meh” about her as opposed to AlexHATEdria who the crowd mostly hated. I’m still pissed she’s still in the running and I’m gonna be pissed until she goes home. Does Tyrant even give a shit about what I think? Will Shannon wear more slutty bikinis in protest over wearing slutty lingerie? Will Alison continue to be the most amazing girl ever? Who will be eliminated tonight?

For those new to this blog… welcome to the second paragraph. This is where I typically go off on a self-indulgent off topic rant. Today’s special is last night’s episode of Glee. I’m a fan, but can we talk about the cheerleading segments for a second? Was that an intentional homage or an outright rip off of one of the greatest movies of our time… BRING IT ON? Ummm… hello! First there was the tryouts scene and then the whole dance number with Blake! I distinctly remember those quirky 60s fist pumps from the inspirational we’re gonna try new moves montage. I vote rip off. Discuss.

Back to the show! We start off with a bunch of confessionals of the wannabes reciting the “amazing” prizes for the winner. They’re all wearing stupid sashes on their heads which means this must be makeover episode. They all look ridiculous. Someone should be fired for this. Back at the house, AlexHATEdria found a new way to help me hate her. Seriously. Get her the fuck off my TV. She tells us she’s hated, but it’s only because she’s a “misunderstood star”. Barf. Seriously green chunky barf. Gurl, you are not misunderstood. You just misunderstand every damn thing about yourself. Sheena then goes on a rant about how an Asian girl needs to win and break down some barriers. Preach girl. I’m with you.

Barely two minutes into the show, Tyrant shows up at the house. Usually this is the part where all the girls scream like banshees. Not this time. Hell yeah! They barely made a peep. They’re so over her. I love it. Tyrant wasn’t alone though. She brought Martin Lindstrom, a “global branding expert/author”. He reveals to the girls the results of a poll taken by all the fans. The results reveal what the fans really think about them. He ripped them all new assholes, but also gave them a brand to go with. Lisa got Daring. Sheena was Unexpected. Kayla was Free, Shannon got Trustworthy, and Dominique is now Survivor. Alison got Unique. Angelea was rewarded with Persistence, Bre was Girlfriend, Bianca got Candid, and Camille was Proud. I take issue with that one. She’s proud to the point of delusional. Actually, I take issue with all of this. It was a waste of five minutes. He should’ve just ripped them all new assholes and moved on. Blah blah blah. At least he called out AlexHATEdria for being annoying.

Bianca didn’t waste any time being candid. Later that night she went all angry on everyone for talking smack when no smack was being smacked. Oh lord. Here we go. Angry girls getting all angry at each other with fingers and shit wagging in the air. I am so over this shit. Fast Forward.

Thankfully, the next segment was makeover time! I refuse to call them “Ty-Overs” like Tyrant insists. No gurl. That’s dumb. Even worse is the appearance of Ashlee Simpson with the two Js to help get it all done? Seriously? Isn’t there some microphone she has to go lip synch into somewhere?

As the scissors came out, so did the inevitable drama. Miss Jay told Sheena she was losing all her hair and the girls almost lost her shit. But it was just a fake out. Miss J told her he was as “full of shit as a Christmas turkey”. Lol. Loved it. She was so relieved. On the flip side Lisa did lose her shit and most of her hair. She complained about losing her locks because she was getting married in a couple months. Mr. J told her to get over it because she looked like a “dowdy housewife” with the big hair. Oh snap. She came around though. Kayla was actually really happy to hear she was going back to red. Oh god… then there was Bre. The clippers… like a RAZOR came out for her. She got some kinda nasty undercut thing and she is something pissed. She feels like she lost all her confidence. She heads into the bathroom and tells a producer that she wants her shit packed up so she can leave! DRAMA. Cue commercial break.

When we get back, Bre predictably pulls her shit together and we move on. Obviously. Let’s be real for a minute. She needs this pay cheque. Then the Js come back with hotdogs from the famous Pink’s hot dog place in Hollywood. It’s photo shoot time! They will be posing with the hot dogs! The winner will be featured on Pink’s website for the new menu item… America’s Next Top Model Dog. Man… who comes up with this shit? Remember the good old days of the last two Cycles when they focused on high fashion and not cheesy stunts with forced branding. Sigh. The photographer this week is Ricky Middlesworth.

Laura – Loveable

First off. I really like her new hair. It takes a little bit of the country out and puts some edge in. Looks good. Mr. J and the photographer thought she did a great job. The actual photo is not cute or lovable! It’s actually fashionable! Nigel likes the dirty/lusty vibe going on… I kinda dig the Courtney Love vibe she is killing.

Camille – Proud

I don’t really know what’s different about her makeover, but she does kinda look like a slightly younger RuPaul. Is that a good thing? The photoshoot didn’t go so well. Mr. J made Laura come back up so Camille could get some inspiration on how to pose. Oooh. How embarrassing. And… so is that photo. Woof. It’s supes totes amateur. ALT is not loving he pageant vibe.

Angelea –Persistence

She actually looks quite cute with the new ‘do. It softens her up. And that’s saying something because she is on my shit list. She really impressed J too. The photo didn’t turn out as well as I thought it would. I bit to scattered for me. The judges liked it though.

Bianca – Candid

I do really like her bangs. Very cute. She wears them really well. She came out swinging in the photoshoot too. Very confident. It totally showed in the picture too. Unlike a lot of the other girls, she actually looks fresh and young in this photo. ALT loved it.

Dominique – Survivor

I think I like her new look, but I still think she looks too old to be in this. The whole thing is more Desperate Housewives than Top Model. The picture didn’t have much to do with surviving, but the judges gave it a little praise.

Alison – Unique

She basically got some touch ups on her look. Nothing dramatic… and that’s a good thing. The photographer loved working with her. Of course, I love love love this photo. Her eye contact with the camera is so penetrating. Ashlee Simpson adored it. Tyrant tried to knock Alison down a bit by telling her not to go too far down the “cute” road. Shut up Tyrant. She’s eating a hot dog in a doll skirt. What do you expect? I adore it.

Sheena – Unexpected

I like the volume they gave her, but it doesn’t help the complaint they’ve always had… that’s more sex than fashion. The should have given her something edgy to work with. J was not impressed with posing during the shoot. He said it looked like she had to pee. As for the photo, Tyrant and I both agreed. It’s not really interesting enough. It’s kinda blah.

AlexHATEdria – Tough

Ugh. I like her makeover. Damn it. I hate her, but this cute edgy Cameron Diaz circa 2003 thing is working for her. The photo is definitely not “tough”, but it is certainly one of the better ones she’s done. ALT gave her an A plus.

Isis – Inspiration

The extensions look great on her, but I still feel like she’s way out of her league. Oh gurl… that is not a good photo. It’s kinda trashy and not in a good way… almost vulgar. ALT is totally in hate with it. Tyrant, however, thinks it’s a good shot. WTF.

Shannon – Trustworthy

Her makeover is pretty understated and still very much “Shannon”. Meh. She did seem to do really well in the shoot though. The photographer seemed really impressed. I love the shape she’s rocking, but her face is pulling a little too much face. Kinda corny. The judges didn’t say anything helpful. They kinda suck this year. Bring back Janice and Nole!

Kayla – Free

I like the red hair, but I think I liked the dark hair better. This new ‘do is reminding me too much of Rachel from Big Brother. Hate her. You got this Brendannnnnnn! Kayla seemed to struggle with how to portray “free” with a hot dog. Mr. J was not impressed. The photo isn’t that great either. She looks like she’s sitting on a high toilet. Not her best work.

Lisa – Daring

Despite her freak out earlier, this look is definitely better for her. Much younger… and she needs all the help she can get in that department! J loved her energy on set. It definitely came though on film too. She went for it and it worked. The judges all really liked it.

Bre – Girlfriend

The hair cut itself is heinous, but the way they were able to pin it and swoop it made it look very chic for this shoot. She didn’t bring much in the way of life to the set though. It shows in the photo too. There’s just not much going on. The judges picked up on her low energy too.

At panel, Tyrant, Andre Leon Talley and Nigel Barker were joined by Ashlee Simpson. Before we got to the results, Tyrant shaved off Nigel’s hair to show the girls just how committed she is to branding. It’s the best decision she’s made all Cycle. Woof Nigel. Welcome back to woofyness. They awarded first photo to Lisa. No surprise. Second place went to Bianca. Another good call. She was followed by AlexHATEdria, Laura, Angelea, Dominique, Shannon, Alison, Isis, Bre, and Camille. That left Sheena and Kayla in danger. Oh Tyrant! You started off so well. But how in the hell is Kayla in the bottom two instead of Isis or Camille. Ridiculous. Out of these two it should be Sheena going home… and it is. Damn. I like her. Oh well.

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all the portfolio and makeover pics, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.