Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant narrowed the field of wannabes down to the final four when she kicked off Dominique. Much to my frustration, the dramatic but completely not modelesque Angela survived ANOTHER brush with elimination. It’s almost absurd at how much Tyrant is forcing a TRANgelea win on us. We get it Tyrant… you like her backstory. Guess what? We don’t give a shit. The girl can’t model and doesn’t even have enough core strength to hold herself upright in a bowl of Greek salad. Did I mention that Nigel has to physically put her into poses and she hasn’t won a single challenge? Sigh. The good news is that Allison the goddess is still in the running. More bad news… Lisa somehow scraped into the final four along with Laura. I never ever would have imagined those two getting into the final four. But who will make it the final three? Who will be America’s Next Top Model? Who will be eliminated tonight?

So we’re getting down to the wire. Within a couple weeks we’ll know who the winner of this train wreck of a cycle will be. It’s been entertaining, but the modeling has been mediocre at best. Watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night made me realize just how much these girls ARE NOT models. Allison? Yes… in a high fashion and editorial way. Laura, Angelea, and Lisa? No freaking way. Not a single girl this season could’ve walked with those gorgeous girls.

Oh god. This is going to be a nightmare. We start off this week with a Tyrant voiceover telling us some nonsense about seeing the “world premiere fashion film based on my New York Times best-selling novel Modelland”. F*ck me. This has Tyrant overload written all over it.

Once we get past some Tyrant self-love, we move on to Angelea recapping her bottom two experience and seeing Dominique go home. We then get treated to a dreadfully long series of flashbacks to Angelea going ghetto. The editors must be running out of material. Cue commercial!

When we’re back, Laura gives us some giddy about getting called first last week. Then we get a bubbly recap of her Top Model life versus her hometown life. She moos and cows. Obviously.

The next day, the girls all meet Nigel who tells them that they will be meeting Franca Sozzani, editor –in-chief of Vogue Italia. The winner of this Cycle gets to write a blog for Vogue.it, so this should be considered a major audition. The wannabes have to write a blog about their time in Crete. They need to each pick an outfit, get a driver, and take some location shots with themselves in it to help put the blog together. They only get three hours! Once the challenge is over, Nigel lets them know that he will be sending the blogs to Franca and will announce the winners tomorrow? So are they meeting her or not? Who knows. We’re off to film this fashion film.

Let the nonsense begin. Tyrant is directing this “motion editorial”. Modelland is about a modeling school on the top of a mountain. The lead character in the book is “Tookie”. Tookie is inspired by Tyrant’s teen self. It’s all about Tookie’s adventure through friendship and bullies and embracing her own unique beauty. Are you barfing yet? My eyes just gone and rolled outta my head. Ugh. Each girl in this motion editorial will be representing different versions of Tookie… I mean Tyrant… I mean Tookie… today. Now I’m barfing. Tyra Tyra Tyra blah blah blah. This is going to be a two day shoot and the final product will be used to judge this week’s panel and next week’s. Huh? What? This is a nightmare.

Wearing a bunch of Michael Cinco creations, the girls run around, play with a baby doll, act all deranged, dig through some trash, poured some whipped cream down their throats, sprayed each other with water, played with weapons, dressed like cats, something about “intoxibellas”, licked blood oranges, and basically listened to Tyrant talk about her own emotional baggage while doing bizarre things. And that was just day one!

Before we could get to day two, we get to witness a PHONE conversation between Nigel and Franca to discuss the blogs. They didn’t really like Allison’s. It was too short and highfalutin. Laura’s was not interesting, Lisa’s was ok, and Angelea’s was… wait for it… extolled upon by a Nigel voiceover that was clearly recorded AFTER this supposed phone conversation. Ugh ugh ugh. More ANTM Mangeleapulation. She won. Obviously. God I hate this show sometimes.

Now on to day two of the motion editorial. This time, the wannabes get to work with Tyson Beckford. Angelea just about had a heart attack. He’s hot. Then his hotness gets entirely ruined by a series of segments with Tyrant overacting while wearing god awful outfits like the pink zentai fetish thing and moon hat. Who is this woman? Where is the cool chick that threw down in Coyote Ugly? They then had to do this big dramatic reveal shots with some masks that will be used when they ultimately reveal the winner. Poor Allison. The sun was making her eyes water! She didn’t look pretty.

Finally we get to panel . Tyson Beckford is there as guest judge and we get to see part one of this “motion editorial”. Holy f*ck. What a mess. It was like The Cell, 300, The Ring, and The Grudge vomited yellow. Laura definitely got the shaft with having to molest whip cream. She looked lame compared to the close up shots of Allison with the orange, Angelea crying, and Lisa being crazy with a baby. The best part was that Tyrant was absolutely the WORST part of the whole thing.

Angelea

Nigel thought she was very convincing and stunning. Tyrant said she wanted to laugh and cry at Angelea. The emotion was good, but her running scenes were ridiculous.

Laura

ALT liked the strong and emotional Laura in the scene, but they were not the biggest fan of the whip cream scene.

Allison

Nigel was really impressed, but Tyson called her out for not being able to find the camera because of her eyes. Tyrant said they need to figure out a way to deal with that issue, because without her eyes, she loses a lot of her strength.

Lisa

Tyson loved the way she moved and ALT appreciated her acting abilities. Tyrant said she got chills, but said she over committed.

So who goes home? Who gets called first? It sounds like he three who make it will be the Cycle’s finalists. The stakes are HIGH. Whatever the decision, the judges are not having an easy time. They gave us a “1.5 hours later” to show that they were still discussing. Sounded like Tyson was not a fan of Allison’s and Nigel had to ride to her defense. Executive producer Ken Mok even yelled at them to “make a decision”. Oh dear. I can’t even BELIEVE that Allison is on the bubble. It will be a TRAVESTY if she goes home. Ultimately, Lisa was called first. Angelea was second. Oh thank God! Allison was third. Laura’s going home.

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all high-res pics from this episode, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.