Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant treated us to one of the most ridiculous displays of her inflated, bloated, and absurd ego ever. EVER. The wannabes were forced to shoot a “motion editorial” to the themes in her novel “Modelland”. Everything about “Tookie” sounds like crap. Someone needs to film a dramatic reading so I can laugh my ass off at Tyrant’s expense. Even worse, Allison almost went home because she didn’t obsess over guest judge Tyson Beckford. Ugh. He and Tyrant are an ego match made in heaven. Allison, the goddess, was saved while Laura was sent home. So here we are. The final three. Angelea, despite being of shape, haggard, generally unpleasant, and identical to every other stereotypical “ghetto” character in ANTM history is probably going to win. That sucks. But any other outcome just doesn’t seem likely given Tyrant’s pimp editing. Sigh. I’m preparing myself now. Can Allison pull off the miracle and send Angelea back to whatever area code she came from? Does Lisa even have a shot? Will Tyrant shove Tookie down our throats? Who will win America’s Next Top Model?

Well boys and girls… another Cycle of Top Model is almost over. It was entertaining, but Tyrant’s heavy hand felt heavier than usual. I hope you all got the chance to read my article on 5 ways to improve ANTM. Tyrant should take note. I don’t know about the rest of you, but there was not enough modeling this cycle and too much nonsense about branding. I’m a huge fan of this show, but it paled in comparison to the most recent season of Project Runway in terms of talent, fashion, and intelligent TV. Tyrant needs to revisit fashion. That’s why I watch ANTM. If I wanted trashy drama with trashy girls, I would watch The Bachelor. I hope you enjoyed the recaps though. I always have fun writing them.

On with the show! Fingers crossed sooooo hard for Allison. The episode starts with the wannabes all embracing for a final three hug-it-out. We then get the confessionals about how much it means to them. Lisa goes on about some tragic sexual abuse issues and how an ANTM All Star win could help her sell her next album. Angelea goes on about redemption and how she grew up on food stamps. Allison talks about how far she’s come and how her Dad passed away last year. Phew. They all have sob stories. No one wins for being the saddest! Lisa says Angelea is her biggest competition because she wants it so bad. HOWEVER, she thinks she’s too fragile. I agree! But then she goes on about how you gotta hold on to the “handlebars of fierceness and not let go” and I wanna throw my Oreo ice cream in her face. Stop talking like Tyrant. It is unbecoming.

The next day, the girls all meet Mr. J for the CoverGirl print and commercial shoot. The girl that wins the Cycle will have her CoverGirl photo become a national print ad. This is a BIG deal. Paige Cali, from CoverGirl is there to be part of the shoot. She tells them all about CoverGirl “intense shadowblast eye shadow”. Yay! I LOVE CoverGirl tongue twisters! Six shades of intense shadowblast that last and last with big bold beautiful full blasting colour shine. Hahaha. So dumb. Nikos Papadopoulos is back from the Greek salad shoot to be this week’s photographer as well.

Allison Harvard

She looked absolutely STUNNING in the blue dress with the blue makeup. Paige thought she really delivered ad-quality shots. But can she overcome her insecurities and deliver a good commercial? There was trouble right away. The bright lights and extreme close up made it really difficult for her to open her eyes. Oh no! They did some shooting with her eyes closed and it still looked stunning. She even delivered a strong reading that impressed Mr. J. Her actual photo is STUNNING. One of the best CoverGirl ads we’ve seen from ANTM ever. So soft and elegant. She is wearing the makeup so well!

Angelea Preston

She was really nervous on set and her styling was not my fave. The slicked back hair and super-hot pink outfit looked less classy than the other two. J was loving it though. Her commercial was FULL of her ghetto personality. It was funny, but not really pretty. Her final photo looks so airbrushed it’s almost ridiculous. They seemed to slice off half her face. I am not loving it at all.

Lisa D’Amato

The makeup artists did an AMAZING job with Lisa’s look. During the shoot she actually looked soft and pretty. She never looks soft and pretty. Paige from CoverGirl really enjoyed Lisa on set. Mr. J wasn’t impressed with her commercial delivery though. It felt like a used car commercial. Her final photo is great… it’s weird that they picked one with only one eye showing though… it is for eye shadow after all! This is a Lisa we haven’t seen before and I am not hating it.

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all high-res pics from this episode, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.

She too got a lot of positive feedback from the photographer, but man she had to suck in her midsection. MAJORLY. She is not in shape for a bikini!

After all the photo shoot action, he girls meet Mr. J for a rundown on the final runway show. It sounds epic. They’ll be flying, dipped in a pool, and stomping down the runway. Shannon, Dominique and Laura all show up to add to the runway show. Michael Cinco then arrives to show the girls the outfits he designed for them.

Allison’s dress is GORGEOUS. So much soft lace. The other two dresses are covered in ghetto over-the-top bling. Obviously. It’s Lisa and Angelea.

Start the show! Woah! There are two ridiculously sexy package-riffic god-like men stealing the show! Woof. So here’s the deal. They swim through a pool, step into big circular curtain, and through the magic of television re-emerge in new outfits flying high above the runway. Then they come down, the harness is removed and they stomp it out down the catwalk. I’m still staring at that guys gold jockstrap though. Lisa was up first. She got carried away, as usual, and tried to be fancy in the pool. A few mermaid spins got her all turned around and she couldn’t find the ramp to the runway. AWKWARD. That’s what you get for being a show off! Then, she really struggled on her runway. Her train was getting blasted by the wind and she could hardly walk. Nightmare. Then her “Pot Ledam” song, UGH, came on and she got all fired up. She was finally able to stomp out some good moves. Angelea was second. She can’t swim. It was NOT pretty. And, she looked like the Egyptian Bride of Frankenstein on the runway. Soooo not cute. Allison was up last. She did much better than the other two in the pool (aka… she didn’t get lost or almost drown) and she looked totally Goddess like when they hoisted her up in the air. She almost got blown off her feet by the wind, but she did much better than expected on the runway. Her dress looked amazing.

Time for the final PANEL. So tense! But hold the front door. Something is seriously wrong. OMG. Tyrant, Jay, ALT, and Nigel are in Los Angeles. Shooting already wrapped. We are no longer in Greece. What the fuck is going on?!?!?! Nigel says that after shooting wrapped they learned some information from Angelea that DISQUALIFIES her from the competition. No f*cking way. I am jumping for joy… sorta… I hope it’s nothing terrible! Sounds like they have to re-do final panel. The producers and the network agreed that they have to just evaluate Allison and Lisa WITHOUT the added competition of Angelea. I don’t think they’re going to tell us what really went down or who won in the first shoot. Wow. This is nuts.

So Allison and Lisa arrive in their Cinco dresses. Allison looks amazing. Lisa is dragging out. The judges all agreed that Lisa was a mess in the water and Allison was the standout there… but she struggled more than Lisa on the runway. As for the CoverGirl commercials, the judges thought Allison’s really delivered a beautiful commercial. Nigel said it’s impressive that even with her eyes closed he could feel her emotion. They did think she needed to pop a bit more with the script. Lisa’s was good too. They thought it was fun and flirtatious. She looked pretty, but Tyrant was not impressed. Lisa didn’t bring enough Lisa for her. Huh. As for the photos, the judges were not totally in love with Allison’s final picture. They thought she looked slightly vacant. Wow. I could not disagree more! They actually like Lisa’s… even though there’s only one eye showing for an eye shadow commercial! Now it’s time to deliberate! This is sooo weird. What happened to Angelea!

After some debate… America’s Next Top Model All Stars is… f*ck… we have to see Part 2 of Modelland first. Ugh. I will ignore it all. Here we go… let’s try this again… America’s Next Top Model All Stars is… LISA. Seriously? What a letdown. At least it’s not Angelea… but seriously? She jumps around and yells and that’s “personality”? Lame lame lame. Allison won photo challenges, the singing challenge, photo challenges… and actually LOOKS like a model. Oh Tyrant… you better be ready for the backlash. Allison is now a two-time runner up and it is absolutely stupid. I’m soooo pissed. Ugh. I need a beer.

Thanks for reading boys and girls. We’ll see you back here for Cycle 18!