ANTM Cycle 16 Episode 1: “I Got A Defective Bubble”

What’s up wannabes. It’s Cycle 16 of ANTM. Stop and think about that for a minute. Did you ever think, way back in the days of Elise, Shannon, Robyn, and Adrienne, that we would ever get this far? Who knew Shandi’s iconic breakdown would still be one of the greatest moments in Reality TV history? Or how about Yaya and Eva going on to be successfulish actors? What about the lingering amazingness of Tyra’s freak-out on Tiffany, forever becoming TYRANT thereafter? Then we began to endure the revolving judging door as Tyrant’s ego blossomed out of control. Janice was out, Twiggy was in. Then Tyrant started her little trick of keeping fugly dramatic girls to push artificial storylines along. Remember Jade? Ugh. Or, how about Melrose? Then we started seing more and more mothers and other bullshit sob stories making it way too far. Hello Renee! But it wasn’t until Cycle 9 when we started getting the gimmicky winners. I’m talking about you Saleisha and Whitney! Then came the unbelievable talents who were robbed by Tyrant’s nonsense… Lauren Brie eliminated! Teyona beating Allison! It was Cycle 13 when Tyrant jumped the shark, but survived. We had a whole Cycle of small girls. It should’ve killed her, but was saved by a stunning winner in Nicole. Cycle 14 pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel with a trip to New Zealand and a ho hum cast. Thankfully, Cycle 15 breathed life back into the franchise with new prizes, better judges, and a focus on high fashion. So what will Cycle 16 be? Keep riding high? Or, a return to the mid-year slumps? Only one way to find out. Read on!

Did you see what I did there? Every cycle… had it’s own moment to shine. Impressive. Now on with the shitfest!

OK! This is actually funny. Tyrant is introducing the cycle. She’s making fun of the type of models that usually appear in an opening episode when they narrow it down to the finalists. Hilarious. I particularly love Angora Nylandra Tafatia Michaels. Someone please start calling me Tafatia. Then Goth Tyrant lashes out… “I’m not a cookie cutter, I cut the cookies, and I’m gonna cut you”. Too funny. Casting week is no more! The 14 girls are moving in tonight! Thank god. First, however, we have to endure a 5 minute set up of Tyrant punking the girls. She let the finalists think they had actually been cut. But they weren’t! Cue the screaming. Cue the tears. Cue the melodrama. Cue ANTM!

Here’s the cast… in Tyrant’s own words. Freckle-faced Dominique. Fiercely real (ugh-a-roo) Kasia. Petite Ondrei. Feisty blonde Alexandria. Sexy momma Monique. Elegant Nicole. Quirky Sara. Hippy Hannah. Golden-haired Molly. Baby-faced Jaclyn. Brittani from the block. Regal Dalya. Edgy Mikaela. Sassy Angelia. I am already DYING to make fun of “fiercely real“. Ugh. New code word for ugly. Tommy beat me though… posting about it on my Facebook wall. He’s fast with the bitching. Love you Tommy!

It didn’t take long in the house before the girls figured out they were two beds short. Does that mean two of them are about to be sent packing? They all stress out about that mystery for a while as we head into a Taylor Swift CoverGirl ad. She’s so cute.

When we return, the girls meet up with model/stylist Erin Wasson, photographer Russell James, and Mr. Jay for their first runway challenge in Alexander Wang clothes. In true ANTM fashion, it’s never simple. They have to do the runway show on a 12 inch beam over a pool in a giant plastic bubble. Obviously. Enter Miss J inside a giant bubble. RUHDICK. The other catch? They will also be doing a photo shoot during all the crazy backstage stuff.

Side note number 1 – Anyone else getting a hard core Anna Paquin vibe from Jaclyn? The face… the accent… it’s so Sookie Stackhouse.

Side note number 2 – Why the fuck is Jay’s tie four inches above his belt buckle?

When Russell James was snapping shots backstage, a couple of girls started to stand out for me. Molly, who looks very plain in her confessionals. looked gorgeous in makeup and found some poses. Ondrei and Hannah seemed really beautiful too. I LOVED Alexandria trying to make her lips look bigger. I wasn’t feeling Angelia or Dominique.

When it was time for bubble walking, I was a little annoyed. FLATS!?! I get that they had to wear flats to prevent the bubble from bursting… but a runway without high heels just ain’t right. Most of the girls stumbled here and there, but it was Ondrei who took the prize for first WIPEOUT of the season. AWESOME. She slipped in her bubble, hit the beam and was stranded out in the pool. PERFECT. She had to CRAWL inside the fucking bubble back to dry land. Amazing. Sara almost went down too but saved herself. Brittani was actually pretty good. Dominique looked okay… until she went down HARD. Several times. Epic.

Back at the house, the girls all fret about who will be the first to go. Alexandria tried to coach all the other girls… and pisses them all off in the process. Obviously.

But enough of the house… let’s kiss N’ cry over the pics!

Alexandria

Wow. Nice start. Her bone structure is working the black and white! Erin Wasson called the shot “beautifully raw”. I can’t disagree. ALT thought it was very dramatic and wonderful.

Dalya

Totally different from Alexandria’s. It is subtle and soft. I like it. ALT thought it showed her natural beauty.

Nicole

Oooh. Artsy. It doesn’t really show enough of her… but that is not her fault. I like the eye contact, but the judges struggled to judge it. ALT just made a bunch of strange noises.

Sara

Blah. She’s not really doing anything. It’s not exciting. It’s not interesting. Bored now. Tyrant, however, likes the androgyny. Of course she does.

Ondrei

Meh. She’s prettier than this shot. She looks too tense. Nigel agrees with me. They see nerves.

Angelia

Is that you Jordan Sparks? Wow. Total lookalike. Erin likes the mystery in this shot. I like the lower lip. Hello. Tyra doesn’t see model though.

Hannah

Interesting! How’d this pic get chosen? She looks good. Nigel thinks she is standing out. ALT and I both agree that she looks like a young Jennifer Aniston.

Kasia

“Fiercely Real”. Oh for fuck sakes Tyrant. Stop trying to make shit happen. This girl is not only plus-sized, she has bizarre proportions. How is that fierce OR real? This shot is sooo average.

Monique

Definitely a good shot. Erin likes that it is so real. I like the look in her eyes. She came to win.

Mikaela

ALT is in love with this picture. He says things like incredible and fabulous. I love her interesting look too… but I cannot get Star Trek out of my head. If she had a strange bone thing running down her nose I would swear this was Ro Laren… AKA Michelle Forbes… AKA MaryAnn the Maenad from True Blood.

Dominique

Meh. Love the freckles… but it is just TOO Stacey McKenzie… Canada’s Next Top Model Cycle 1 wants its judge back!

Jaclyn

GORGEOUS. I did not expect this. Tyrant called it stunning and luscious. I call it sexy and perfect.

Molly

I’m not so sure about the angle up her nose, but I LOVE a good hair whip. Well done.

Brittani

Really? This is the photo they choose. Awkward. The judges like it though. They thing it stands out. I think she could be mistaken for Jane from last season in this shot. Loved her. Tyrant called this pic a “work of art”.

At panel, Erin Wasson is back for the evening as a judge. Tyrant outlined the prizes and managed to say the word “Vogue” about 17 times. Swear. To. God. So who’s first? My money is on Molly, Mikaela or Jaclyn. Yep! It’s Molly. She was followed by Brittani, Alexandria, Mikaela, and Dalya. The middle of the pack featured Hannah, Ondrei, Monique, Nicole, Kasia, and Jaclyn. That left Dominique, Angelia, and Sara in the bottom three. Sara, who looks AWFUL by the way, was spared the bottom 2. Dominique and Angelia are in danger. I’m surprised at Angelia being there. And I’m just as surprised that she’s going home! I liked her photo. Oh well. One less name to remember.

  • gogo

    I’m soo glad this hot mess is back. Mikaela is my fave and I personally will never have enough Stacie Mackenzie(although that other girl seems like a serious bitch).

  • Jonah

    Most of the girls look like they could work but some look :S

  • Dan

    This season is going to be a TRAINWRECK! I’m surprized you didn’t comment on the girls who were told they made it into the competition and then whisked away to never be heard from again. Were they actors? Were they in on the gig and told to play it up? Or were their dreams ripped away from them off camera?! THAT would be good TV!

    I definitely think they made the right decision sending Angelia home last night but I will be extremely annoyed if they keep pushing the wrong girls.

    Also Rich, every time they showed a picture of Anne, did you speak out loud her name, the way she used to? “ANNE” I did, every time, sounding like Gollum.

  • I wondered about what happened to the fakeouts too Dan… to be fair, I got interrupted by a conference call for one of he charities I worked with… so the recap got cut short a bit. Damn saving the world interfering with ANTM.

    This is going to be a trainwreck. You’ve got that right.

    @GoGo… the best thing Stacie ever did was her little cameo in The Fifth Element. Loved it.

  • Robyn

    Am v. confused by Nicole’s photo… she totally got shafted. Plus Russell James needs to cut his hair… he looks stupid.
    It’s all about the M’s for me. Molly, Mikaela, and Monique. I’m not sure how much of Jaclyn I can take.
    PS: I’ve missed you Dan and Tafatia (Rich).

  • Raven

    I love Hannah Jones.!