Here we go again. America’s Next Top Model is back. The catfights are back. The stereotypical casting is back. The bitchy blog is back. Tyra Banks is back, but that is the last time we will use her fake name here at Homorazzi. To me, she will always be Tyrant. Why? Because she is a ridiculous caricature, fake, transparent with her editing, and way too prone to stupid gimmicks. Despite all that… we love her. And, we love Top Model. Still. Here we are at Cycle 15 and the show has YET to produce an actual supermodel. A lot of the girls are working, but there has been no Adriana or Gisele or Agyness. Tyrant has never picked a high fashion winner… Jaslene and midget Nicole were close, but not the real deal. Could this year be different? Will Tyrant’s newfound love for high fashion finally give us a REAL model? Or are we destined to relive the CoverGirl slash Walmart slash Seventeen failures of the past? Who else misses Elyse? Sigh.
The show hasn’t even started yet and I’m LOLing. The first thing out of Tyrant’s mouth in the intro is, “when does a model become a REAL top model? When she lands on a high fashion magazine cover!” Umm … so why the hell have you NEVER picked a winner who can achieve that! Ugh Tyrant! Ugh. She makes up for her ridiculousness by announcing this Cycle’s winner will get the cover of Italian Vogue. That is awesome. The best part is that there is NO WAY lame-duck winners like Saleisha, Whitney or Eva will be taking home the crown this year. The peeps at Vogue would vomit. Oh wait… I should’ve listened closer. The winner doesn’t get the cover. Hahaha. Tyrant you suck. The winner gets “two spreads” in Vogue plus the cover of “Beauty In Vogue”. Whatever that is. I guess that’s better than Seventeen.
Barf. Now we’re getting a voiceover retrospective of Tyrant’s amazing discovery story and how amazing her amazingness is because of all the amazing that happened in her amazingest life. Save it for your talk show beotch and bring on the screaming wannabes!
The girls are actually going to be working with some amazing amazeballs amazingness this Cycle. Some serious calibre is dropping by. Diane von Furstenberg. Zac Posen. Roberto Cavalli. Patrick Demarchelier. Matthew Rolston. Karolina Kurkova. Franca Sozzani. Wow. Could Tyrant actually pull this off? Here’s hoping! And speaking of hoping… let’s hope Tyrant loses the heinous cat suits she was trying to pull off last year!
When the screamers all arrive at the hotel, we immediately get introduced to the possible dramatic moment for the last call. Sisters! Oooh Gurl… drama. Then there’s some confessionals about other girls being fake. And then Tyrant shows up. Thankfully there is no cat suit… just lots of screaming tall skinny girls.
Ms. and Mr. J then show up for an impromptu walk off in Cynthia Rowley outfits. First up… the “Quirky” girls. The five ugly pretty awkward ladies all strut. We had some stripper action… and some serious Shandi action. A couple of them actually worked it out. Then the five “Sexy” girls hit it. No complaints from me. Hotness. Then the two “Strong Bone Structure” girls hit the runway. Really? That’s actually a category? All I see is a girl with a HUGE jaw and one with a TINY jaw. Next up were the three “Blondes”. I don’t know why that has to be a category… Tyrant’s just gonna dye and chop it all off. Same for the “Brunettes”. Vanessa the “rich bitch” might be my favourite. Hello Regina George. Meow.
Then it’s time for the wannabes to make their cases with Tyrant and the Js. Cue sob stories! Sob sob sob… I slept in a sleeping bag because I was poor. Sob sob gasp sob… I have size 30G boobs. Sob sob whine… I used to be too skinny. Sob sob snot… I wrote in my diary that I didn’t want to room with a black girl. WTF. Did that really just happen? A white girl also rapped. Awesome. But even awesomer (yes… I did that on purpose Adam) is the girl who says she’s “pure”. She doesn’t want to have sex because she doesn’t like semen. What!?! Not even on her hand? Huh? How would she know if she’s so pure? Good thing she wasn’t born a guy or she’d have some real problems!
Then it was time to cut. 32 showed up, but they’re not all staying. The girls that made it screamed. The girls that didn’t cried. Vanessa the rich bitch got cut. Dayum. Ann, the 6’2” giant with the world’s smallest waist made it to the top 20. Of course she did. Then there was one more photo shoot. Each girl got paired with their direct competition for a photo-off. Ooooh. Interesting. Obviously the sisters are paired together. So predictable. Then it was time to pick the 14 finalists. So who will be in the running to become America’s Next Top Model? And who’s gonna get some of Tyrant’s porn red lipstick smeared on her face during the kiss n’ cry? Gurl pleae!
First up… Anamaria. Then it’s Kendal, Rhianna, Chris, Jane, Chelsey, Liz, Sara, Lexie, Esther, Kacey, Kayla, and Ann. Only one spot left and still one sister on the sidelines. OBVIOUSLY! Tyrant… up to her old tricks. The last girl is….. TERRA. Duh. The sisters then scream and run into a frenzied embrace. The losers cry and go home.
I have to say… it’s gonna be an interesting Cycle. I love the high fashion… let’s hope it’s more about the models and less about Tyrant. I say that every year. Sigh.
Check out these promo pics and get excited. I promise to be bitchy, bold, and belligerent all Cycle long.
Hometown: Astoria, Queens, New York
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Hometown: Boise, Idaho
Hometown: Arlington, Texas
Hometown: Boston, Massachusetts
Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland
Hometown: Palmdale, California
Hometown: Rockford, Illinois
Hometown: Northport, Alabama
Hometown: Geneva, Illinois
Hometown: Arlington, Texas
Hometown: San Diego, California
Hometown: Menifee, California
Hometown: Arlington, Texas