Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant introduced us to a whole new crop of wannabes. And you know what? Not a plus-sized girl among them. No fatties. No midgets. Just a busload of tall skinny girls with high fashion potential. Thank god. Can Tyrant really find the next couture sensation? Can she find that awkwardly beautiful diamond in the rough? Probably not. The only thing we know is that a bunch of waifs will scream, cry, yell at each other, and lust for Nigel Barker. Just like me! Who will be the first to go? Who will be America’s Next Top Model?
The title of this week’s episode is simply “Diane Von Furstenberg”. Saweet. Can’t wait to see her on the judging panel. Loved her on Project Runway. But first we have to get reacquainted with the 14 finalists as they move into their new pad in Venice Beach. Ugh. Back in California. This show is WAY better when it’s in NYC. Oh well. I’m actually kinda jealous of their new place. It’s gorge… AND they have a runway. I want a runway in my condo. Sigh. When I get married, there is going to be a runway. Walk off!
My first impression after a whole whack-load of confessionals is that these girls need some makeovers. Stat. I see roots, bad weaves, and a lot of mousey locks. Liz is the only one that looks any sort of edgy. Ann is just weird looking. She needs some shape in those eyebrows. Ummm… and she just said that hobos are hot. SRSLY? Ew. Ok now it’s just getting weird. Her man needs to be a warlock? WTF? What dungeons and dragons freak show did this girl crawl out of? Enough of the freak show. Let’s talk about the LESBIAN. Go Kayla! She wants to be the first girl who likes girl on girl to win ANTM. You go girl.
The girls are whisked away to meet the Jays where they find out they will be walking in a Diane Von Furstenberg runway show… FOUR stories up in the air on some crazy elevated runway. Fierce. I hope they have good panties on! They all get strapped into harnesses and get their outfits on. Who’s gonna be the first to freak out? I would love to see someone fall. OMG… remember last year when Alexandra got CREAMED by the pendulum. She fell all over the place. Loved it.
Ann was the first up… and almost the first one down. She stumbled on her heels right before stepping out onto the runway. She definitely has some work to do. Lexie looked a bit too much like some hoochie from the Hills. Chelsey looked a’ight, except for the angry eyes. Chris, Esther and Anamaria all looked pretty smooth and confident… until Anamaria took a tumble down the stairs. AWESOME. Sara and Jane both looked pretty fierce. I like their looks. Kacey was worried because she didn’t have her glasses on, but she actually rocked it out. Rhianna and Liz both looked way too nervous. Oh god. Then Terra came out. I’m not sure if it was the dress with the puffy shoulders or just her body, but she looked like an effing linebacker. Not good. Thankfully Kendal and Kayla were way better to wrap up the show.
The next day, the girls get to do their first photo shoot. This one’s gonna be about bullying. We all know how Tyrant loves her life lessons. I actually fast forwarded the part where Tyrant does the whole emotional check-in thing. Blah Blah Blah. After a barrage of confessionals about the awful names these statuesque women were all called as teens, we get to the shoot. Side note… Jay wears WAY too much makeup.
The girls are all gonna be wearing swim suits with a negative word a bully would say painted all over them. They’re also going to get an equivalent “power word” to counter the negativity. The photographer is Deborah Anderson. This could be a cool shoot. It’s gonna test their bodies and ability to express emotion. Oh… and Demi Lovato was there. Too. Whatever. Wait. I take that back. She’s not shilling her crap songs. She’s promoting TeensAgainstBullying.org. It is a big deal. We need to start teaching our kids now that it’s not okay. An unchecked homophobic teen bully might just turn into a homophobic gay basher. Soap box over. On to the photos!
Photoshoot pictures weren’t available as of press time. We will update this post, once The CW makes them available.
Weirdo and Independent. Her boobs ARE big. Wow. It’s just an alright photo. The judges didn’t have much to say either.
Stupid and Undefinable. Is undefinable even a word? Spellcheck says no. I’m not sure about this one. Her eyes are buried under all that eye shadow and I’m staring into her nostrils. Next!
Elf Ears and Unique. Hahahaha… she does have elf ears. LOLs. I love that they covered up her ears with her hair. More LOLs. It’s a gorge shot though. Just enough broken down doll. The judges all liked the attitude she was projecting.
Casper and Fearless. I’m not sure she was going for an actual ghost look, but she got it. Tyrant said she looks possessed and ALT thought the photo was gorgeous. I’m actually kinda meh.
Oreo and Nubian Queen. It’s a beautiful shot, but I ended up agreeing with Tyrant. She looked more like a gorgeous athlete than a model. That look is not going to work for the Cycle of high fashion.
Queer and Free. This one was intense. She was upset to have a word that was used to bully her so much painted on her. Free was a nice choice for the other one. It’s a stunning photo. The judges like it. Her neck looks a bit too twisted, but she really caught the light very well.
Lanky and Fierce. She doesn’t have any real curves going on, but her face is pretty good. Or maybe it’s just the makeup. For a girl with the word “fierce” painted on her, it could’ve been A LOT more fierce.
Big Face and Big Square Head. Huh? Those both suck. Her body looks a bit weird and out of proportion. ALT says it looks gauche. He likes her interesting face though.
Soup Cooler and Luscious Lips. OMG. I have never heard big lips described that way. Too funny. She had a total meltdown during the shoot. Crying, shaking. You name it. The photographer said she looked like a bodybuilder. MmmHmmm. I said linebacker during the runway show. It’s not the best photo. It’s not hideous, but it’s nothing special. I’m not sure what she was trying to achieve with the strap. Odd.
Mutt and Bi-Racial Beauty. The photo isn’t the best of the bunch, but it’s still good. Nigel called it “funky”. ALT was impressed with Liz in person, but he didn’t like the photo.
Manly and Athletic. ALT did not like the photo at all. Her hands were wrong, her muscle looked weird and Tyrant said it was forgettable. Definitely not a standout.
Giant and Amazon. God she looks good. The ugly one strikes again! J’adore. Amzing. That’s what the judges said and I agree. Looks like we got another Shandi on our hands! Too bad about the snaggle tooth.
Bony and Slim. Boring. She went for the big pose, but didn’t go far enough.
Bucktooth and Sexy Mouth. This girl has been bragging all episode long about how amazing she is. She looks WAY too skinny. She’s got problems. Her face looks great but her body just looks awkward… and not in the pretty broken down doll way. Tyrant interrupts the proceedings to tell her that her body does not look healthy. It sure doesn’t!
At panel, Tyrant is joined by judges Andre Leon Talley, Nigel Barker, and Diane Von Furstenberg. Ann was called first! Yay!!! Best photo by far. Runner up was Kayla. Double yay! The ugly duckling and the lesbian on top! Next up were Chelsey, Kendal, Lexie, Liz, Jane, Esther, Chris, Rhianna, Kacey, and Sara. That left Anamaria and Terra in the bottom two. Is it curtains for one of the sisters? Or will the way to skinny girl get the boot so she can get healthy? Yep. That’s the one. Terra is safe. Anamaria is out. I hope she listens to the judges. If Andre Leon Talley and Diane Von Furstenberg say you’re too skinny, you’re probably too skinny… even for modelling.