Previously on America’s Next Top Model… and I’m gonna do this all by memory… Shannon fell into the wrong crowd and got all Jesusy before taking Elyse’s spot in the final two, Camille stomped it out like a horse because her walk was her signature walk and it was gonna make her famous but didn’t, Brittany was too sexy and too Janice Dickinson but somehow got the boot for the whole faltering personality bullshit we see too often, Lisa was a crazy bitch who pissed in her diaper, Bre was a total social disaster and lost it over some granola and Red Bull, Bianca did something dramatic I’m sure but seriously WTF is Bianca, Dominque looked like a haggard old drag queen, Isis had to tuck her twig and berries, Sheena couldn’t shake the whole hoochie thing, Allison took some of the best photos in the history of ANTM but didn’t win because her storyline wasn’t dramatic enough for Tyrant, Laura came second in the season of America’s Next Top Midgets that surprisingly produced a winner with a viable career, Angelea… OMFG don’t even get me started on this one, Kalya was our darling lesbian princess who tried in vain to take awkward Ann out, and Alexandria was my single most disliked contestant in the history of this show. So who, out of all these crazies will win America’s Next Top Model and who will be leaving us tonight?

For new readers to this blog… a warning… I hate a lot of these girls. And, it pisses me off that Tyrant brought so many divas back just for the sake of drama. But I’m not going to dwell. I’m going to mock, I’m going to sully Tyrant’s good name, and I’m going to offer slight praise when it is warranted. Also, where in god’s name is Elyse? If you’re gonna bring back all the bitches, bring back a pretty one who also happened to have the best confessionals.


Ok. Here we go. It’s on and we already get our first UGH of the cycle. Tyrant is making this shit all about herself. We’re treated to a delightful little dream sequence of her pretending to be the all-stars. Vomit. Then we learn this cycle is about more than just modeling. Obviously, look at the cast. At least she’s not pretending. To Tyrant, this cycle is all about finding a “brand” and making a star. In addition to the CoverGirl and Vogue prizes, the winner will also get a national campaign with Express and a guest correspondent gig with Extra.

After all that we get the montage of the… ahem… “All Stars” arriving at their new LA pad. Angelea is in first and she is hideous with a baggy catsuit and a bad dye job. Those roots! Gurl is obviously NOT modelling right now. Next up is country bumpkin Laura looking cute with hip bangs. She must be working. Oh hey… it’s Bianca. Her voice is familiar but I don’t remember much about her. Next! It’s Lisa and she’s in ANOTHER heinous catsuit talking about recording an album. Nope. Not a model either. Then Bre walks in the door. Good lord. She looks cute, but immediate drama between her and Bianca. Apparently they’re best friends and B didn’t tell B that she was gonna be on the show. I don’t care which B did what to the other B. Get rid of both of them.

After that little whiff of dramz we finally get one of my faves… It’s Brittany bitch! Love her. She looks super cute. Up next was Dominique. Hate her, but loved that she owned up to being called a Tranny. Self-mockery is appreciated by yours truly. Apparently she just had a baby. Yes! It’s Sheena. She’s amazing, but that hot pink lipstick has got to go. And then the real tranny arrived. Isis! She lets us know that she got her gender reassignment surgery done and she is all woman. And to keep it Queer, Kayla is next up looking HOT with dark hair. What’s the lesbian word for Woof? I dig it. And then Allison arrived looking as fiercely cute as always. After her, it was Camille’s turn, Fucking hilarious. She got SUCH a chilly reception. No one wanted to see her… because she’s such a diva. Ummm…. Hello! Pot, kettle, black much? Finally, Shannon arrived… and after all these years she still looks like a model. OMG. Then AlexHATEdria showed up and she’s already making excuses up for her damn self.

My prediction… and I swear I’m going spoiler free… Shannon wins. Tyrant is so pissed that Adrienne won Cycle 1 and then turned into a Reality TV/Playboy star with a major hate-on for Tyrant that Miss Thang ain’t going to be able to resist a little personal revenge/redemption.

Wasting no time, Mr. J shows up and announces that the first photo shoot is happening right away in their back yard. Celeste Canino is the photographer and they are going to be styled as “larger than life versions of their Next Top Model personas”. OOOOH. This could be interesting. Is Camille gonna be a horse?

Bianca

Gurl was not excited to have the red extensions put back in, but she actually looked kinda cute. The photographer was not impressed. She felt the posing was amateurish and that Bianca did not give out the model vibe. Uh oh. It’s on. Surprisingly, it’s actually a good shot and Nigel thinks it looks “vintage”.

Allison

She looked EFFING amazing in the ultra quirky outfit and look. Her eyes and lips were just perfect. I’m a little worried about all this talk about art direction internships. Tyrant don’t like wannabes who wannabe something else. ALT LOVED her personal style at panel and Nigel called her one of the most photogenic contestants ever. I agree. This is a great photo and should vault her into front runner status.

Bre

Time to go Ghetto Fabulous. I like her hair, but the outfit made her look short. As for the photo, I don’t need to say anything… ALT called it “cliché”. ‘nuff said.

Dominique

She was asked to portray some sort of masculine/feminine thing. I don’t get it. Why not just dress her up like the drag queen she is? Surprisingly, the photo is ok. Her face actually looks pretty, but I am NOT loving the palm tree humping. Nigel and Nicki like it.

Camille

She’s supposed to be rocking “diva”, but all I see is a Klingon from Star Trek. Seriously. Somehow the judges found something to like about the photo. I think it’s more Worf love child than diva.

Kayla

They went pretty literal on this one and wrapped her up in a big rainbow flag, Dorky, but I still can’t get over how good she looks with dark hair. I hope they keep it. I don’t think the photo did her any justice. She looked better in the shoot than this shows. Nicki didn’t love it at all.

Brittany

She was asked to channel party girl. Ummm… I love her, but she looked kinda chunky in that dress. I don’t love the photo, but she definitely brought the fun. The judges didn’t have much to say about it though.

Laura

She looked like she was having fun with that fishin’ pole. It shows in the photo. Great shot. She looks taller than she is and her legs look awesome. One of the better pics for sure.

AlexHATEdria

Supposedly she’s the “tough California girl”. Ummm… more like insecure fugly hater. The photo is not good at all. Sorry gurl… the judges hated it too.

Isis

Since she never got to rock a bikini last time, she is all over it this year. Gotta admit, she’s got a hot body. In the photo, her body is nothing short of amazing, but she just doesn’t have the right look for a model. Sorry gurl. The judges offered praise, but it was mostly fluff.

Sheena

Lol. I love that her subtitle for the shoot was “Harlem but not hoochie”. Unfortunately, there’s not much to like about the photo. She didn’t connect with the camera. Nicki didn’t believe her and I have to agree.

Angelea

She’s the girl from the hood. Oh no she didn’t! The finger! That’s my move. It’s way too drag queen. Not loving the photo. She didn’t get much in the way of feedback from the judges.

Lisa

The wild child is back and it’s not cute. The whole split leap thing? Really. Nicki Minaj is not a fan of her shoulders and I’m not a fan of the pic in general.

Shannon

Oh for fuck’s sake. They want to put her in lingerie, but she’s putting up a fight. Girl please. Get over it. God gave you that body, he didn’t make you clothes. Instead of the lingerie, she wore bathing suit bottoms. Umm. OMG. I want to like her, but it’s just so damn hard. The picture is pretty, but I’m confused as to what her moral standard is. Nicki called her out. Thank god.

After the shoot, Mr. J tells the girls the elimination is going to happen at a live event with superfans in the audience. Shut up. Why wasn’t I invited? Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. She’ll be joined by Nigel Barker with AWFUL hair and Andre Leon Talley. The best thing about the whole overblown live panel was an audience member booing AlexHATEdria and she responds with a “fuck you” which draws a “bitch” from the audience member which leads to a “wow that was rude” from AlexHATEdria followed by some tears. Oh shit. This just got real.

Once the panel went behind closed doors, the real deliberations began. Tyrant told us that the judging would be based on photos, but also personality and how the girls worked the crowd… ie… whoever the fuck Tyrant wants to send home because she’s Tyrant. Duh. When all was said and done, Isis was called first for best photo. I call bullshit on that. Allison was number one for sure. Thankfully she was called second. Next up were Camille (what?), Lisa (WHAT?), Angelea (OMFG), and Laura (finally some sanity!). They were followed by Bre, Bianca, Shannon, Dominique, Sheena, and Kayla. That left Brittany and AlexHATEdria in the bottom two. Holy FUCK. If Brittany… with a WAY better photo… goes home before that other chick, I am gonna RAGE. Mother fucker. Rage it is! Are you for real?!?! UGH. AlexHATEdria is staying. I just can’t write any more. Done.

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ANTM Cycle 17 Photo Gallery

To check out all the portfolio and makeover pics, head over to our ANTM Cycle 17 gallery.