antm-14-episode-5

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, my effin’ PVR forgot to record the damn show so I missed it and then you all missed the glory of my recap. Oh well. Clearly you got over it. To catch up… the wannabes learned some acting and improv, Brenda’s hair got cut shorter, and the girls all bathed in some vampire blood. Nasty. Anslee and Alasia fought about some peas, but drama queen Alasia ended up getting the best photo of the week. Anslee, meanwhile, ended up with Simone in the bottom two. Simone got the bite… I mean boot. Who doesn’t love vampire porn! Oops. I mean pun. Now on to this week. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We start off this week with sappy letters from home. Lame. Tears tears tears. Blah blah blah. Blubber blubber blubber. Anslee sobs. Tatianna tells us how much she loves “bodily functions” and wants to be a coroner… and a model. Riiiight.

Tyra Mail arrives and tells the girls that they don’t have to be a scientist to be good at chemistry. I hope this means there will be some hot buff boy cameos! Nope. It’s Miss J. Not hot. Thankfully, he calls in Nigel Barker for some backup. The girls have to create chemistry with ANTM’s own noted fashion photographer. Unfortunately for Nigel, a whole bunch of really REALLY awkward conversations ensued. Angelea started it all off by doing the hammer dance. Ouch. Jessica actually tried to molest him. Not pretty.

After all the awkwardness was over, Nigel took the ladies to meet Ann Shoket, Editor-in-Chief of Seventeen, for an intimate photo shoot challenge. Ann lets them know they’ll have to pour on the seduction and Nigel will be the photographer. And then Ross Mathews (AKA “Ross the Intern”) shows up with his big floppy gay arms waving about like a tranny octopus on speed. This should be interesting. Bring on the LOLs. The winner gets a whole bunch of diamonds.

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They all get sassed up in some sexy lingerie and then start shooting. Poor Ross. He didn’t get any lingerie. Just a tacky suit. Angelea decided to lift her giant leg onto Ross’s shoulder. That gave Nigel only one option… a shot of her crotch because he was shooting from below. Not the best angle sweetie. Jessica nailed it and won the diamonds.

The next day, the wannabes head to Canal Street for a lesson in designer knock-offs. Mr. J says they cost the industry millions. Well bitch, if it wasn’t so damn expensive to buy the real thing, we wouldn’t have to cheap out on the fake crap. Boo yeah. For the photo shoot, the girls are gonna be decked out in fake everything… hair, tan, fur, eye lashes. You name it. This could be an epic FAIL. DJ D-Nice is the photoghrapher. Riiight. Now photographers don’t even have real names.

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Never mind my bitchiness two sentences ago. These outfits are FIERCE… like in a drag queen suitcase exploding all over the street kinda way. They even had freaky fake eyes. This shit is whack.

Tatianna

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This one is a total hot mess. She looks like she partied all night long and is now just trying to get her way home from some random dude’s house. Crunky.

Alasia

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Sadly, I really love this photo. I cannot stand her, but this is good. Like Jessica, she nailed the pose and did something different. I love the outfit too. Damn. I want her gone.

Raina

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This is how you do broken down doll. Krista and Anslee should take note. And look at those lips!

Jessica

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LOVE THIS. What else can be said? She used her whole body and went for it.

Krista

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I can see she was going for broken down doll, but it just doesn’t work for me. She didn’t do enough with her face to really match all the chaos going on in the outfit. The judges were more impressed though.

Brenda

*** PICTURE UNAVAILABLE***
I love this. It’s like Cindi Lauper meets Fame meets Geisha. ALT says it has charm and power all at the same time. Clearly, he agrees with my Cindi Lauper Fame Geisha analysis.

Anslee

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It’s still not GREAT broken down doll, but she managed to pull off ditzy. It matches the hair really well. I don’t think it’s as good as the judges said, but it is better than expected considering all her tears this episode.

Angelea

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Gurl. WERK. This is how you pull off tranny fierce. She had an unfair advantage though… she already looks like a drag queen at 3am in line for street meat.

Alexandra

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Compared to the rest of the girls, it’s pretty weak. I don’t think it’s totally her fault. The styling seems to make her look even bigger than she is. Hahahaha… then ALT totally contradicts me. He says the styling saved her. WTF. Clearly, Anton Leon Talley does not know what he is talking about.

Panel

At panel, our usual gang of judges were joined by former model Pat Cleveland. Side note… what is up with Tyrant’s heinous 80s outfits this Cycle? Please tell me shoulder pads and space suits are not back in. Jessia (YAY!) got called first. She deserved it. Angelea, Krista, and Alasia were close behind (BOO!). Left in the bottom two were Alexandra and Tatianna. My money says Alexandra is done. I win! Buh bye token plus-size! Wait… WHAT?! I wrote too soon. Ack. Tyrant kicked off Tatianna. Boo. Wrong. Alexandra deserved to go. Argh.