Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant pulled together her latest crop of 13 wannabes, made up some nonsense about MyFiercePage.com, gave the girls makeovers, and generally acted like the caricature we have come to expect. No one was eliminated, but we were promised NUDITY this week. Bring it on.

Before we get to the nudity, can we talk about the new opening sequence? OMG. Really Tyrant? Do we really need 30 shots of you “dancing” in a room full of mirrors… in a CATSUIT!?! Really? Girl needs an intervention. And what is with all the neon spandex? The whole opening looks like a commercial for American Apparel filmed at Pride with a bunch of drag queens. I take that back… drag queens wear spandex SO MUCH better. Those girls actually have curves.

Anyways, let’s get these wannabes naked… and boy were they naked. I don’t think they’ve been this bare since Cycle 1 when Elyse and Adrienne posed with the diamonds. The girls each get one item from a recent Custo Barcelona collection and then shoot with photographer Jonathan Mannion. Mr. Jay tells them to sell it and entice the customer, but don’t get too hoochy.

Side note. Why was Jay wearing a kilt? Not a good look for him… especially when his legs are clearly waxed, shaved, or both.

Most of the girls really embraced the challenge. Sweet young Jessica was the only one worried about what her gramma and pastor would think. I think Jesus would approve… especially with all the BLURRING. Oh my. There was a lot of Hoo-Ha hanging out.

Without wasting any time, the girls are off to their first session with the panel. Nigel Barker is back. Celebrity Stylist Sally Hershberger is there as guest judge. We also meet Andre Leon Tally (ALT for short). It will be refreshing to have some pedigree on panel this year… but don’t be fooled… he is a big ol’ diva just like Miss J. Check out what he had to say about Alasia’s photo. EPIC.

Here’s the rundown.

ALEXANDRA (necklace)
She is a beautiful girl, but there’s nothing special in it for me. ALT said she lacked jgeuhzshe. Whatever. I think she lacks pizzazz. Is that the same thing?

ANGELEA (shoes)
She is so not one of my faves. The judges got all wet over this photo, but it’s just a’ight. I do agree that she worked the shoes, but she’s just not that pretty.

RAINA (ring)
Girrrrrrlllll. Fierce. ALT called her luxurious. I agree. He then said she could be the King’s courtesan. I disagree. She could be the QUEEN. She should change her name Regina or Reina.

SIMONE (jacket)
Definitely middle of the road. Not heinous. Not glam. I don’t really have a feel for this wannabe yet.

TATIANNA (scarf)
I thought she looked a little porno, but the judges ate her up. Ew… that was an awkward transition. Oh well. Her face is fierce and clearly she can model.

ANSLEE (clutch)
I think the styling of her hair makes this photo. It works. Other than that it’s just a good shot. She is selling the item though. Bonus marks. The judges (I wonder if they had pre-censored photos) said they had a “telescopic view into her nether regions”. Awkward.

GABRIELLE (leggings)
She really struggled in the shoot. And at panel, the judges were dead silent when her photo came up. Not good. The said she looked scared.

JESSICA (shorts)
The judges were impressed with how she used her body. They said she had a natural gift. I don’t think it was the best, but it’s up there.

BRENDA (watch)
I don’t know how I feel about her wonderful ginger ‘do being covered up, but this photo is spectacular. Gorgeous. She and Raina look to be way in front of the pack.

NADUAH (sunglasses)
She was one of my faves last week, but she’s got some pretty bad ‘tude. Too much blah blah blah about how good she is. That never works out well. The judges thought it looked too artificial. I just don’t feel wowed.

ALASIA (vest)
O.M.G. W.T.F. DISASTER. Her legs look bad and the crack is not hot. Nigel totally agrees with me too. ALT, however, comes to her rescue and praises her bravery for the pose. Really? I’ll let him explain… “I would hang it in my SALon dahling. Not in my living room, my SALon. A SALon is a room where you go and converse and you serve beautiful drinks and you talk about politics, religion, art, love, sex, beauty, wine, roses, and this fabulous girl and this fabulous derriere.” EPIC.

REN (hat)
This is another fantastic photo. She surprised me. Usually the awkward girl looks more awkward in early shots, but this one is soft, pretty, and edgy all at the same time.

KRISTA (dress)
The judges HATED it. Me too. Nigel said it was “wretched”. Woah. I wasn’t gonna go that far, but you get the point.

So who goes? Jessica was called first, followed by Angelea (ugh), Raina, Ren, and Brenda. Left in the bottom two were Gabrielle and Alasia. ALT basically saved Alasia, sending Gabrielle home. She was reality tv cannon fodder anyways. Nobody’s gonna miss her.

With that, we’re moving on to part 2! Total whirlwind I know. Keep up. The girls all get back to the apartment, where Ren bitches to the camera about Alasia. I would bitch too. She’s annoying. Ren says she is far too intelligent to be stuck with all these girls. Looks like we have another Elyse on our hands. Awesome.

The next day, the wannabes meet Miss J for some runway coaching. First up… walking while taking off a coat! Ooooh. I love this. I do it all the time. Miss J says it is all about “taste and timing”. Mmmhmm. Try it sometime. Alasia and Ren were by far the worst. Then the girls have to go one by one to a busy NYC crosswalk and strut their runway/jacket stuff. Love it. I do this most Saturdays.

For this week’s official challenge, the girls walk in a fashion show for Rachel Roy. The winner gets to keep the outfit (which are all beautiful BTW) and gets a spread on Rachel’s website. Here’s the catch… they have to walk down a bunch of stairs and navigate a runway decorated with giant pendulums. Uh oh.

Simone is the first one down the runway and she almost goes DOWN. The pendulum gave her a good whack. Then Brenda absolutely worked it. She looked so good. WERK. Ren was pretty tragic though. HOMG! Alexandra totally fell on the stairs. It was a total Beyonce fall. Not pretty. Then… then… THEN… she got nailed by the pendulum! Her plus-sized ass got flung right off the runway! HOMG! And, she ripped the dress. NIGHTMARE.

I put the pearl clutch away long enough to rewind the PVR and watch it 8 more times. Awesome. Oh yeah… Brenda won. But seriously… can we talk about Alexandra some more? Trip, crash, skid, sad face, angry face, stomp stomp, stutter, slam, rip, bail. Amazing.

If that wasn’t enough drama, Ren tells Alasia to “shut the fuck up” when they get back to the house. Alasia goes OFF. And by “off” I mean angry trailer trash from Jerry Springer off. She was throwing shit and all. Where do they find these women? Ugh. Ren bemoans the drama and wonders aloud to the camera if ANTM is worth all the bullshit. Probably not sweety. Naduah then goes on a long blah blah blah about sex cults and how amazing she is. Blah blah blah. I’m over her.

Still with me? Ok. Phew. This is like an essay. Next up, the girls head to Brooklyn for a photo shoot with Mr. Jay and Brian Edwards. It’s a beauty shot for some made up purple fragrance. There’s wind and water and purple liquid everywhere. How will the girls cope? Rachel Roy is the guest judge this week to help panel decide.

Here’s the rundown.

ALASIA
There’s some drama, especially if you’re into drool. ALT loves it, but the others are lukewarm. I’m less than lukewarm. Nice makeup though.

JESSICA
She was called first earlier, but this is not a good shot. She’s way too squinty.

ALEXANDRA
She’s giving good face again, but Jay really struggled to get her to figure out where to put her hands. She seems to be lacking some body awareness.

ANGELEA
It’s soft and pretty, which I didn’t think she could pull off. Kudos for that. However, ALT calls it a “mess”.

NADUAH
The judges say it’s too fake and I agree. She is not as good as she keeps telling us she is.

KRISTA
Boy did she make up for her earlier disaster. This is soft and stunning at the same time. ALT says she looks like Naomi Sims. Huge compliment!

SIMONE
She’s showing off some good emotion, but she’s still pretty average. Pretty isn’t enough.

TATIANNA
GORGE. She looks like Serena on Gossip Girl. The judges call it romantic.

ANSLEE
That is quite the profile! I immediately thought “Madonna”… early Madonna. Tyrant said the same thing.

RAINA
Wow. Wow. Wow. She’s the only one brave enough to really nail a straight-on shot. It really is awesome and should get first call.

REN
She hated every minute of this photo shoot and it shows. Nigel said it looks like an ad for the H1N1 vaccine. Not good.

BRENDA
Meh. She should’ve done better.

Thankfully Raina was indeed called first. Krista, Anslee and Tatiana were close behind. Naduah and Ren, the two edgy girls, ended up in the bottom two. I think they both deserved to be there. So who goes home? Naduah. Yep. The editors pretty much pointed that out half way through the episode.

Ok. I’m tired. That’s a lot of ANTM… even for me. Buh bye Naduah.

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